Letting Go By D.C.Parker

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Disclaimer:  Xena Warrior Princess, it’s characters and all related materials are the property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures.

Those lucky dudes.

Character uses are for entertainment only, not to hurt any rights. As always.

Warning:

This is one of the hottest couples there ever was!!!

Besides their constant battle of minds and strength, there is also a lot of emotions and feelings, and lots and lots of “SMOKIN’ HOT POTATOES PASSION”!

Some of the words you find in here might be very graphic, so if you are under 18 years old, or this kind of story is forbidden where you live, please do not read it.

Or move… ;)

 

***

It’s quiet around the campfire after he left, and I sigh, setting the bowl of hot soup I have been eating from just moments ago down into the soft moss with an audible thump. I can hear his steps fading through the thick underbrush of the forest, and it’s easy for me to judge from them he is in a hurry to put as much distance between him and us as possible. I shake my head slowly, looking up, meeting the eyes of my daughter with a serious look.

“Was that really necessary?” She frowns.

“What do you mean? I just spoke the truth.”

Eyes almost the same color as my own hold a definite sign of stubborn pride, and once more I am reminded of how much like me she is. Determined, refusing to let up, always choosing the hard way out.

“Your truth, you mean.” I answer, hearing Gabrielle clear her throat, knowing she is giving me one of those ‘Let it rest’ looks without needing to see it.

“We are all tired. Let’s call it a night, and tomorrow…” I stand up, my mind already made up about this whole scenario.

“I will check the perimeter. You two go ahead and…”

“Oh sure. Check on him you mean.”

Eve stands up as well, facing me, and I can see the faintest hint of something dangerous in her eyes. I cross my arms in front of my chest, raising an eyebrow just to underline the meaning of my next words.

“Is there a problem with that?” She gives me a sardonic smile.

“It’s just surprising to me how easily you can help the one who seduced and almost killed your own child!”

I can feel it. It’s so, so close to the surface now, and I am a hairs breath away from letting it reign free. I know she can sense it, because for the short blink of an eye her challenging look falters, and she takes the slightest step back. Gabrielle gets up now as well, but taking a stance next to my daughter. Years ago I would have been enraged because she stood against me, but now, I know she does it for me. To catch my eye, hold my gaze and calm me with unspoken words, soothing wounds the others aren’t even aware of causing.

I take a deep breath, waiting a little longer to say something, waiting for my heart to calm its racing rhythm. I know this is a difficult situation for us all, and I also know that Eve will need a long time to come to terms with the results and aftereffects of her past. I have been there too, so many times I lost count, and I have been putting the blame on others a lot way back when. It’s the easiest at times, when the weight of darkness comes crashing down on you, to search the fault for the violence inside your own soul within someone else’s.

Of course he is the obvious choice. He is war, he is violence, he is hate. But it took me so much time to find out that there was more to all that, more to him, than I ever thought possible. And I had been down a long, painful road of self hatred and lies before I realized that, at the end, he had been the indicator, yes. But the source, as hard as it had been acknowledging that truth, the source had always been within me. Still was, until that very moment, and always would be.

“I will be back later.” is what I decide on, finally, already on the verge of turning around to follow the path he had taken. I sense her moving forward before she does, facing her one last time, my hand raised, stopping her from putting hers on my shoulder to halt my movement.

“Mother…”

“No!” I growl, almost, and she pulls back her hand, regret for starting with this yet again evident in her soft, still childlike features.

“He gave up his godhood to save us all, Eve. There is no greater sacrifice for a god.”

Deep, blue eyes search mine, for an answer I am not willing to give her. I know why he did it, and so does she, but the pain is still too fresh for all of us to sting into that wound right now.

“But he…”

“…and as for seducing,” I continue, putting a cold, thin smile on my face. Feeling the rush of sudden jealousy crash against the shore with no chance for me to stop it in time.

“You sure didn’t look forced in that arena, now did you?”

The smooth victory is like sweet nectar on my tongue, and I can see the remark hitting home the same moment I start to regret it. But it’s too late now, and I have other things on my mind than trying yet again to mend fences with my stubborn daughter. I turn, quickly leaving the camp, my instincts now fully concentrated on finding footprints or signs of where he had gone to in the deep, black darkness of the night. I will be back, later, when we both had time to cool off, and sit down next to her, and talk, and listen. We have been there a lot of times since she left her evil ways, because she knows, no matter how much I remind her of who she was, I am also the only one to truly understand her.

His trail is easy to follow, luckily for me, and it takes me only a few moments to make out the sound of splashing water in the near distance. A small grin forms on my lips as my hearing confirms someone adding to the sound of the small waterfall I know to be just behind the second huge column of trees, and I slow my steps, relieved he hasn’t gone too far.

The moon finds its way out between the few clouds in the sky the moment I reach the open space surrounding the small lake and said waterfall, its silver hue reflecting of the sparkling water, putting everything in a ghostlike, almost surreal light.

My eyes adjust quickly, and I can already see his tall form near the water’s edge, moving slowly, obviously about to take a drink. A few more steps I take, knowing his hearing to be almost as good as mine, and then I stop, finding the dark shadow of a huge willow tree only a few feet away from him. I lean back against its thick, sturdy bark, well hidden by leaves and branches, allowing myself the rare luxury of watching him move.

He has abandoned his vest, and just now taken two handfuls of the clear water to splash over his face and neck. The way small, silvery droplets are glistening on his skin is almost intoxicating, and I find myself caught by them, my gaze slowly caressing down his well muscled chest. He gets up, taking a deep breath, and then picks up his sword that rests next to him, twirling it a few times, then starting a series of easy drills.

I remember one time, when Gabrielle showed me a piece of writing she had done about me doing sword drills. I remember reading it, then rolling my eyes and laughing, shaking my head at her way of making something cold and violent into something close to poetry in motion. I remember her trying to explain to me how it looked when I moved, using so many words that meant everything but fighting, and in the end, she just gave up, adding that maybe one day, I could watch someone else like this, and understand.

I do, now. I stand there, and watch him fight invisible opponents, and suddenly, I understand every single word she said. A dance, yes, of the most dangerous, yet most sensual kind it is, as he swipes and turns, his blade reflecting the moon like small, lightning like splashes of light. His body looks taut and ready to kill, yet his velvet, toned skin ripples softly, a stark contrast against the violence of it all. I am close enough to see him breathing, small puffs of white against the cool midnight air, and as he pants, again and again, I can feel my stomach tighten, and a sting inside my chest. Wanting nothing more than to be the cool air, so close to his full, inviting lips.

He stops, suddenly, his sword sinking, and I can see him taking another long, deep breath. The he turns his head in my direction, tilting it slightly, and I am sure his eyes are looking directly into mine as he clears his throat to speak.

“Gonna stand there all night?”

His voice is rough, yet carries a hint of amusement, and even though I was almost sure he knew I would follow him, I feel caught in the act of staring. I take a moment to catch myself, putting the cool, relaxed mask I had completely lost during his performance back into place before I leave my hiding spot and walk down towards him.

“I was enjoying the view.” is what I think is a clever comeback, but by his definite smug smile now, I know it was a mistake.

For a split second I think about trying to get myself out of this, then I just shrug slightly, letting it go. We both have known each other for way too long now to try and hide things, or cover up from the other. We might toy with each other, sometimes even pushing it to the limit of hurt and beyond, but the bottom line is, we know the other, well, very well indeed, and crossed lines that might keep us save and sound ages ago. Crossed them willingly, we did, never once looking back.

“And?”

His deep eyes are almost black in the silver glittering around us, and I feel myself sinking deeper into them the further I go, until I stand right in front of him. I remember the first time I was that close to him, so close that he could easily read into my very soul. The first time I drowned in that velvet heat his gaze carried, letting my soul sink deep into his darkness and passion, letting his fire consume me completely. Back then, it was all I saw, all I allowed myself to see. Only years later, after endless fights and lies and betrayal from both our sides, I chanced a look beyond. And found something underneath all his attitude and arrogance that called out to me, stronger than anything ever had.

Something worth fighting for.

I blink, once, twice, shaking myself out of the memory, giving him a lopsided grin.

“Not bad for a mortal.” He laughs, raising his sword to poke me with it, not even reacting as I, of course, deflect it, quickly raising my foot to kick it out of his hand.

“You are such a bad sport.” he says, and the lightness in his voice lets me hope the day’s events and the strain he must feel isn’t too hard on him.

“You are an old man now, that’s what.” I challenge him, and he accepts, of course, rising to it as I turn and run, quickly following to catch up to me.

Our feet splash through the water at the lakes shore, and after a long time I feel the heaviness lift off my shoulders, as if being alone with him was all it took for me to be able to let go. I slow down slightly as I think about the times we shared moments like this, when it didn’t matter that he was the God of War and I his Chosen, where it didn’t matter how many times we were at odds, how many times we fought on different sides. Those times when we were just us, Ares and Xena, two beings that knew that what bound them together was stronger than all the things trying to force them apart.

Beyond reason. Beyond good sense. Beyond understanding.

His laugh rings in my ears as he catches me, arms around my hips, stopping my movements and turning me around to face him again.

“Says who, eh?” I look at him, into his face that, even though void of its immortal hue, carries a new light of its own, and I bite my lip to hold back a sudden sob before I lean into him, one of my hands on the back of his head now to pull him towards me.

“Says me.” I whisper against his lips before I kiss him, long and slow, getting used again to the taste of his kiss, that I missed for so many years.

We shared a quick kiss earlier that day, but now, we kiss, really kiss, for the first time after the 25 years I spend asleep in that ice cave. He groans into my mouth as I allow his tongue to enter, and a huge wave of longing and need washes over me as I feel his grip tighten around my body. I know what he is feeling, the same yearning for us to renew that deep, sacred connection we once shared that I do. I saw it in his eyes the moment we met again in that arena, saw the disbelief, the sadness, the joy, the anger, all mixed in a swirl of emotions on his face that had my heart racing again right then and there.

The love…no, no I was too raw and exhausted still after all I had learned to see that. But feel…by the heavens, feel it I did the moment I laid eyes on him again.

“Xena…Xena…” he moans my name over and over again after we break our kiss, our foreheads against each other, both our bodies moving heavily under our rapid breathing.

“It’s ok. I am here now…I am here.”

My fingers caress his face, catching a few droplets that aren’t water, and I realize just then and there that the scars my faked death left behind on him will need a long time to heal again. If they ever could…

So many things we need to think about, so many things we need to tell each other, but none of them can match the hunger that has us both in its grasp right now. It has been so long since I felt him, so damn long since he held me, that the pain of being apart again too soon almost is physical to me. I need him now, need him close to me, so much so that everything else just fades into the background, just slips out of my awareness as I feel us sink to the ground, hands undoing buckles of my leather dress. My fingers now wander over his naked shoulders and back, scratching faintly over his chest, softly, gently, renewing my claim on him.

He groans and writhes against me as we finally lay down, both naked, both restless and already consumed by the flames of desire our kiss has awakened, and I throw my head back, gasping his name as he enters me in one smooth, sure trust. Too long have we been apart to play around tonight, too long have I been empty and lost to wait for him filling me, too many time has been stolen from us yet again to take it slow.

I pull him down into a kiss, my skin on fire as one of his hands reaches between our bodies to caress my breast, the cold water of the lake that now is gently lapping against our naked legs only adding to the erotic setting of our lovemaking.

How many times have we done this? Ever since I admitted my feelings to him, gave him, us, a chance to make things work, try to form a relationship out of the remains the years of fighting each other had left, we tried to find as many moments as possible to be together for a short while. Secret night meetings, a quick visit during a swim, a surprise waiting for me in a lonely Inn room. And yet, the deeper our connection went, the more intense our meetings got, the more importance we put on truly getting to know each other. Hastened couplings turned into slow explorations, a quick kiss goodbye turned into long talks spend in each other’s arms afterwards, feeling the other close, allowing ourselves to get used to being together.

But not tonight. Tonight, we need just this, passion, skin on skin, release for the pent up pain.

Deeply he trusts into me, and I can already feel the first lick of orgasm, gripping his shoulders so hard I am sure it must hurt. He supports himself on his arms as he picks up speed, and I force my eyes open, force myself to watch him through eyelids heavy with desire. Moonlight kisses his body, reflecting off the soft sheen of sweat now evident on his skin, and I feel the truth, once more, ringing home deep inside my heart.

“I love you.” I moan as he looks into my eyes, and he instantly shudders into orgasm, his movements frantic, pushing me into release right along with him.

“Xena…I love you…Xena…” he murmurs, still trusting, not wanting to let go, and I know it will be some time until we might be able to leave each other eventually. The mere thought of letting him go is like a stab to the chest, so I quickly shake my head, clearing it from any thoughts at all, allowing myself to get caught up in his need again.

Nothing else matters now.

Just him, just me, together, at last.

Beyond reason. Beyond good sense. Beyond understanding.

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