Summary: Gabrielle is hurt over the relationship between Xena and Marc Antony, and can't stand to be around her lover any longer. Will she leave Xena forever, or will Xena find a way to win her back?
Disclaimer: Xena, Gabrielle, Argo, Eve, Cyrene and all the other characters from Xena, The Warrior Priness don't belong to me. I'm just borrowing them for this story. I will return them once it has been finished, sadly.
Violence: The violence in this story will be very mild, if any at all. There are many curse words though.
Subtext: Subtext is maintext in this fanfiction. There will be graphic scenes of two women making love, and having sex. Along with a lot of heartbreak. If this bothers you, then you might want to stop reading this now, or you can open your mind and continue.
If you are under the age of eighteen, or this type of story is illegal where you live, then close stop reading now. Close the page.
Author's Note: I always wondered how Gabrielle managed to deal with Xena's relationships with other people on the show. This is a possible reaction to Xena and Antony's relationship in season five. I have not decided yet how many parts of this story I will write. Maybe two, or more, depending on whether or not people enjoy it.
Comments are very much appreciated.
If you wish to send them to me, my email is jacklavigne13@hotmail .com
Enjoy the show! Or so to speak.
For days now, there's only been silence between us. At this beginning, I cherished it, foolishly assuming that it'd be over soon, and you would be screaming and raging at me. I knew all your hurt and anger would come out, and I knew I deserved it, but that doesn't mean I didn't dread it. Usually, I would want it, I would wish for you to curse at me, curse at the Fate's for entwining our lives together, but not this time. Because this time, I know I pushed too hard, pushed you too far, and I'm scared, I'm fucking terrified that it was too much for you. I'm afraid that this time, you'll walk away and out of my life, and i'd only have myself to blame.
I really didn't expect any of this. I didn't know that going to Egypt would end up causing us both so much pain. And I truly didn't know that I'd end up falling for him.
By the Gods, his name just leaves a bitter taste in my mouth now. You were right, I always have had a soft spot for bad boys; Borias, Ceaser, Ares, but Antony? I never thought I could find myself loving him. Not after I'd found you, the one true person that I could see myself spending my life with. With Antony, I could see myself conquering the world, like I always used to dream about with Ceaser. It pulled me in, his raw power and brutality seduced me, and my darkness started to come out to play. I know it was wrong, but I couldn't help myself, even when I saw your face across the hall as I fed him strawberries, using every skill in seduction that I have, I couldn't stop. I could see your heart breaking as I kissed him, as he caressed me, and when you interrupted us, my words to you were harsh.
And when I met up with him that one night, I also know if we hadn't been attacked by those soldiers, I would have let him take me. I would have made love with him, without a second thought.
You have every right to be upset, more than upset, you should be down right boiling mad. I know I would be if our roles had been reversed. Though I know, if our roles were opposite, you never would have crossed the line like I did. You would never do that to me, you're just too God damn honourable. You deserve better than me, so much better, and yet now, I'm so afraid you will finally leave to find someone who is.
I'm even more scared that you haven't yet spoken to me. It's been almost a week, and hardly a word has slipped from your tongue, that's what frightens me the most. There's no anger, no jealousy, no bitterness, there's just quiet. I thought that this was just the calm before the storm, but the storm doesn't seem to be coming. Everyone I've spoken to says I should be grateful, and just move on like you obviously are, but I know better. Even though the lightening is yet to strike, I can see it there, in your eyes. In every look, every touch that you recoil from, every word left unspoken, it's there. I'm praying now that the screaming starts, I pray for the harsh words, the pushing and shoving. Anything would be better than this, this not knowing of what's going to happen next.
I watch you now, across our campfire as you sharpen your sai's. You are so beautiful, and I know I don't nearly tell you as often as I should. Your once almost red hair has been bleached by the sun to a gold that glistens in the light from the fire. Your sea green eyes are slightly narrowed as you concentrate on your weapons. Your lightly tanned skin practically sparkles, it's just so lovely and soft, and I crave to feel it's smoothness under my fingers. Don't even get me started on the rest of your body, those perfect curves and your lean muscles, displayed so well with that skimpy Amazon outfit you wear. I have never seen another woman as perfect as you, and I know I never will in this lifetime or any after.
I know you can feel my gaze, I can see the twitch just under your left eye that shows your agitation from being stared at so intensly, but I don't care. I want you to be mad with me now, I want you to lose your temper at me, and end this torture. But you continue, like I'm not even here, like you can't sense the emotions practically seeping from my skin. Maybe this is your plan, to leave me in silence until I finally lose my mind. You think that I'll just sit here, and take it like I deserve. You know how stubborn I am, you know that I'm too proud to speak first, but this time you're wrong. This is too much, and I fear I will die without hearing the sweet sound of your voice for any longer. Something that was once so constant in my life, and has now dissapeared. So I do the unpredictable, I let go of my pride, and my ego, and I speak.
"Gabrielle," I whispered raspily, my throat dry from being unused for long. "Talk to me."
You look up in suprise, your eyes wide and almost cut yourself with your blades you're so shocked to hear my voice. It is short lived as you quickly compose yourself and your eyes once again lose all emotion and your expression is of indifference.
"I have nothing to say," you reply before returning to your weapons.
"You must have something to say," I growl in exasperation. I was starting to get angry now, and my emotions were starting to boil over. "You're Gabrielle, Battling Bard of Potadeia, you always have something to say."
Your hand freezes mid stroke, and your body tenses as you look up at me with cold eyes. I can practically feel the anger radiating off you now, and I start to wonder if I made the right desicion in speaking.
"You," the word is growled with such venom, I can't help the shudder that goes through my body. "How dare you ask me to speak when for the last five fucking years, you've hardly spoken one sentence to me every day."
You've dropped your sai's now, and they lay forgotten on the floor as you stand up, and I'm thankful that you aren't holding them as you stride towards me menacingly.
"You don't deserve any words from me," you're standing in front of me now, your emerald orbs dark with rage as your hands clench unconciously into fists at your sides. Once again, I'm really glad you don't have your weapons on you.
"Gabrielle," I whisper softly, in my best soothing voice as I reach out to you.
You recoil from me again, as though my touch would burn you, and raise your hands as if warding off an attack. "Don't."
"I can't even," you mumble, shaking your head and looking away from me. "I can't. Those hands... I just can't."
"Gabrielle," I try again, standing up slowly. "I'm sorr-"
"Don't!" You yell as your point your finger at me, your eyes blazing. "Don't you fucking dare, Xena! I'm not going to let you get away with this again. I won't let you tell me that you're sorry and that you won't do it again, because it's a lie. Every word that comes out of your mouth is a lie. 'Baby, I only kissed Ares a few times, it doesn't mean anything.' Or, or, 'I don't love Ulysses, we just fucked one time.' And lets leave best for last, 'Oh, Gabrielle, I don't feel anything for him, I just need to fuck him to get our mission to work.'
So don't say a fucking word, Xena, because your word means shit to me."
I could only stand there in shock as you whirled away from me, crossing the campfire in seconds and picking up your saddlebag. The only thing that was going through my mind was 'Holy shit, I don't even think I've heard that many curse words come out of sailors mouth.'
I quickly jolted from my thoughts as I realised what you were doing. I watched in horror as you walked around our camp, shoving all your possession into your bag, and then leaned down to pick up your bed roll.
"Gabrielle, what are you doing?" I managed to choke out, as my throat constricted painfully, because I already knew exactly what you were doing.
"What does it look like I'm doing, Xe?" You replied, not even sparing a glance in my direction. "I'm leaving. I can't stay here with you anymore, it hurts too much. Being with you, hurts too much."
"Can't we talk about this?" I pleaded, as I walked over to your horse, pulling off the saddle you had just attached in my desperation.
"No, we c- God damn it, Xena," you growl as watch me drop the saddle on the other side of the camp. "That won't stop me from leaving, you taught me to ride bareback in emergencies, remember?"
I did remember, and I started to regret it immediately, cursing at myself.
"Gabrielle, please," I whisper, tears welling up in my eyes. "Please, don't do this. I'm begging you, just stay and talk to me. We've been through worse than this, we can work it out, I know we can."
I watched, a small bit of hope welling in my chest as you sighed and dropped the pan you were holding onto your bag. Crossing your arms, you turned to face me, your eyes sad as your shoulders slumped in defeat.
"Maybe," your voice is so quiet I have to strain to hear it. "Maybe, I don't want to work this out anymore, Xena. Maybe, just maybe, I've had enough. You're right, we've been through worse than this. We've been through crucifictions, poison arrows, wars, we've even been through Heaven and Hell. I'm done."
My worst fear came true with those few, softly spoken words. 'I've had enough, I'm done.' That was all it took to make my world come crashing down around me, for my heart to break. Part of me knew, that this was all my fault, and I should just let her go, just so I wouldn't ever be able to hurt her again. But I'm selfish, and I know I can't live without her.
"No," I say, crossing the camp so quickly, I was basically a blur until I stood motionless in front of her. "No, you're not done. We're not done. You and I, we'll never be done, Gabrielle. I know this has been harder than it should be, and I've fucked up so many times that I've lost count. But you and I, we're supposed to be together, always. I know I made a mistake, again, and you have no reason to forgive me, but I can't let you go. I can't let you walk out of my life, Gabrielle, because I can't live without you. I can't. I'll die if you walk out of here, I know I will."
I watch as you avert your eyes, and I can feel your resolve start to crumble, as your body begins to shake. "Don't guilt trip me, Xena."
"I'm not trying to guilt trip you!" I yell, suprising us both, before hurriedly composing myself and continuing. "I swear Gabrielle, I would never try and guilt trip you into staying with me. I'm being completely honest. I can't live without you. You are my life, my light. You're the only thing in this whole world that means anything to me. And I can't deny that I felt something with Antony, or that my kiss with Ares didn't mean anything. I can't even deny what happened between Ulysses and I, but I regret it. I regret it all because those were wasted moments that I could have been spending with you. I love you, Gabrielle. I love you, and only you. Forever."
You turn towards me, and everything seemed to be happening in slow motion as I wait for your reply. Your eyes well with tears, and spill over your cheeks as you make no effort to wipe them away. Your lips twitch into a tiny half smile and you slowly raise your hand, cupping my cheek as your thumb gently caresses my skin. My body feels like its on fire from the touch that I have been aching for, for so long now, and I almost can't contain myself as you lean up and ever so tenderly press your lips to mine.
Your lips as so soft, and in the last few weeks, I almost forgot how sweet you tasted. I can't help the soft moan that slips from my lips as your hand travels along my jaw and then tangles in the hair at the back of my head. You ever so slowly deepen the kiss, teasing my tongue with your own as you grip my hip with your free hand and mold our bodies together.
And then as quickly as it started, it was over. You pull away from me slightly, hardly a breath between our lips, and your eyes lock on mine, and I realise as I stare into your eyes, how badly I misunderstood the kiss I had just recieved.
It wasn't a kiss of forgiveness or even a kiss to let me know that we'd be okay. That we'd be together, always.
It was a kiss to say goodbye.
I was frozen in place as she stepped away from me and returned to her packing. It was if my feet had grown roots that burrowed deep into the Earth, I couldn't move. All I wanted to do was to run to her and stop her, but in the back of my head, there was a voice whispering to me, that made me stop.
Let her go.
She deserves better. Let her go.
"Okay," I whisper, tearing my eyes away from the woman who couldn't stand to be around me anymore, and settling myself on my bedroll.
I simply laid there, my eyes closed, listening as she continued to remove every bit of her existance from the camp. I listened until there was no more sound to be heard, except for the wind and the creatures lurking around our camp. I knew she was watching me, I could feel it burning my skin, making every bit of my body tingle. She was waiting for something and I wonder what she expects me to do. Does she think I'm going to yell and scream? Or does she expect me to grovel and beg on my knee's for her to stay?
I'd probably be doing the latter right now, to be honest, if I could feel anything except for the emptiness in my soul.
"Take care, Xena," her soft voice was thick with emotion, and I desperately wanted to say something to stop her but couldn't manage to speak past my heart that was lodged in my throat.
I listened once more as she pulled herself up onto her horse, silence again then a soft sigh, so quiet that it was almost lost in the wind, and then I felt rather than heard her steer her horse away from me and out of the camp. Out of my life.
I controlled myself for as long as I possibily could, until the pain became too strong and a strangled sound of agony escaped from my lips. She had left me. Really left me, for good. She was gone and I was alone again. The sobs wracked my body, my chest heaving as I gasped for air. The tears seemed neverending as they streamed down my cheeks, and for the first time in years, I didn't know what to do.
I couldn't chase after her, because I had always promised if she ever willingly decided to leave me, I would let her. I wouldn't burden her with my unwanted prescence, I had already hurt her enough. But now I hurt so badly, I didn't think I could possibly live another moment. Every breath I took was a mystery to me, and the erratic beating of my heart shocked me. I want to die without her, I expected to. I was nothing without her, and my life was empty and dark without her light to lead me, but my heart continued to beat, and I cursed the Fate's for not cutting my life thread right then.
I laid on my bedroll, the sobs eventually quieting but the tears didn't stop their relentless flow. I was unwilling to move, burying my face into the soft blankets, picking up the faint scent of my now ex lover, and another scent, one that I had forgotten in my heartbreak.
The scent of my daughter, no, our daughter. Eve.
And suddenly, a bright spark of hope began to burn in my chest. Gabrielle could leave me, but I know she wouldn't be able to stay away from our daughter forever. She loved her as much as she loved me, maybe even more now. She would find her, and I would be there, waiting, on my knee's, begging for her to return. And maybe, just maybe, she would forgive me once more.
I slowly managed to pull myself from my bedroll, pushing myself until I was on my feet. I glanced around the camp, which seemed so empty without her. Straightening my shoulders, I strode over to Argo, stroking her long neck as she gently nudged her large head into my shoulder. I nuzzled her cheek with mine, closing my eyes as I took comfort from my oldest friend.
"I'll get her back, Argo," I whispered, my voice full of confidence that I didn't feel. "She'll be back, walking along beside us in no time. I want to let her go, let her live her life so she can be happy without me. But I can't, Argo. I need her. I'll get her back, then you, Eve, Gabrielle and I will be a family again. You'll see."
Argo snorted softly in what I hoped was agreement, and I turned away from her, walking around the camp and picking up the few possession I owned, deep in thought as I packed my things.
I will see her again. Our threads were entwined for eternity, we were meant for each other. I'll change anything she wants, become everything she desires. And I will be everything she deserves.
"You'll see, Gabrielle. You'll see."
To Be Continued In Part Two
Return to the Academy