Gabrielle's Journal Series:  Darkness Into The Light

by Murphy

  This is number sixteen of the Journal Series! Thank you to my beta team, Becky Lovall, Sam Ruskin, and LJ Maas. Deb! Love Ya! Ex-Guards!! You are the best!! Warning: This does have some dark moments. We all go through dark times, but the light is never far behind. Song Lyric by Gloria Estefan. Poem by Sam Ruskin. Second poem by B.J. Taggart. Third poem by Inspired Lor :) Song Lyrics form the Bitter Suite Sound Track. (Joseph LoDuca) This will be filled with poems, and lyrics with Gabrielle's thoughts around it. The Hate Song I found very true. Hate does destroy a soul. Just warning people in advance. This is a long journal entry. Fluff and much more! Special Thanks to Sue Rice for giving me facts about the show that I missed!! Sue writes Little Xena and Little Gabrielle stories! Must read! Her work can be found at under Susan A. Rice. On with the show!

I don't think I've ever felt so lost,
So alone, so tempest tossed.
My world - once filled with love and light -
Fills with shadows and dark of night.

I used to sleep so calm and sound,
Knowing my love would be around.
Now when I turn, she isn't there.
My life has become my worst nightmare.

The emptiness surrounds me now,
And threatens our most sacred vow.
I wonder: Is this what death will be?
Apart from my love for eternity?

If that is death, I will not go;
For even now, I love her so
That every breath without her face
Makes Tartarus seem a glorious place.

I guess I failed her as a friend,
And as her wife, I failed again.
The darkness falls so full and deep,
It consumes me in my sleep.

If only I could touch her skin
Turn back the moon and start again;
So many things that I would do
If I could only start anew.


Journal Entry:

Hello. I have been away for over three moons now. This entry will be long. I have a lot to work out. I fell into a deep dark place and to tell you the truth, I never thought I would come out. I never thought I would ever feel so bad where living was too painful. Each breath I took was like a sharp pain to my heart. I am not sure where to start with this journal, I guess at the beginning.


Xena and I had to go to Britannia to fight Caesar. Xena hears that name and all she can think about is vengeance. We heard from a Roman prisoner that Caesar was planning to take Britannia. Before I knew it, we were on a boat with those now free prisoners sailing there.

I was feeling very lonely. My wife was so wrapped up in her plan to get Caesar that I was not there in her eyes. It hurt, how quickly I became an oversight to her. I became fast friends with one of the ex-prisoners. His name was Khrafstar, a handsome gentle man. He knew how to use words that I loved, like peace, faith. I was pulled in like a sheep to slaughter. I was a big fool. I let my loneliness blind me and I paid with my very soul.

Lets see. I was captured by soldiers, hung on a cross, almost got my legs broken, killed a person, and then raped. Killing, Gods. This is going to be hard. Meridian was her name. It was all a plot for me to lose my blood innocence and let evil into the world. Me, I did this. Killing changes everything, I was changed for good and there way no way to go back. I helped Dahok come into this world. I just wanted to die.

I had nightmares for days afterwards and got sick each time. I just wanted to go home, nothing felt safe anymore, not even Xena. I was angry that she chose to fight with Boadicea and not care for me, care about me. I was blaming her for it all in my heart, but did not speak. I let it burn inside me. I found out later by a bunch of Banshees I was carrying that monsters baby. I had Gods know what inside me. I could not believe it. Then I had a flashback of being held over the fire, I felt Dahok violate me. I knew Xena was trying to fight the DELIVERER to save me, but it was too late. I was not meant to live, neither was Xena. I was the vessel for the evil to be carried; Xena was the sacrifice for it to come into the world. Khrafstar who was now the Deliverer was to bring us both. They did not know my wife. Xena kicked ass and foiled his plans, like always.

Here I was, with child? I really wanted to go home. I wanted my mother, but I know she would not deal with this well. They blame Xena for everything as it is now. I was very scared and Xena was not helping matters. She treated me differently, coldly. I did not feel like her wife or partner anymore. I was the kid sidekick following her around like a puppy again.

I was not with child normally either, it was growing fast and I was becoming more terrified. Then all Tartarus breaks loose. I have a village trying to kill me, banshees after me, and soldiers telling me I am carrying either evil or the light. I was praying for the light, it was my child, right? Wrong! The memory of what I ate while with child makes me nauseous just thinking about it.

I had a daughter. She was born fast in a barn with soldiers outside wanting her death. The animals in the barn were going wild. Xena, my wife brought her into the world. I think she was shaking more then I was. We did not know what would come out of my body. She was perfect and I remember how Xena said we could hope for things to go well. So I named our daughter Hope. My wife protected us because I asked her not to let them kill her.

We had one man who thought she might be the light. He was killed. Hope was growing fast and my wife was getting more suspicious. It was just a baby, my baby. I woke up and Xena, my wife, wanted her blood. I had to protect my baby. With the help of the Banshees, I was able to hold off Xena for a while. I knew I could not out run her, I had to out smart her. I did. I lied to my wife, thinking of my child. I made Xena believe I threw her over a cliff, when really I floated her down the river, with a kiss and a toy that Xena gave me for Solstice. I wanted her to have something from me. At first Xena did not believe me, but she put it aside and we moved on. What Xena did not know, I was slowly dying inside. I even prayed that Hope would be good, just to show Xena.

A moon later, we were attacked by Chin Warriors. Xena's former lover called for her and again I was the last thought. She was going to drop me and run to Lao Ma. I did not know she was killed until I already was in Chin and betrayed my wife. Ares came to me afterwards planting more doubts in my mind. I was not only hurt, but also jealous and angry. Xena was ready to throw the last three years we had together like it was nothing. So, I sold my soul to Ares to get to Chin ahead of Xena. To save her from making a big mistake. Truth being. I wanted to get there to make her hurt. I almost got her killed. Ming-Tien was a ruthless emperor and I was helping him get Xena, my wife. I was slowly losing myself. I had no idea who or what I was anymore. We escaped Chin alive and she forgave me of my sin, but things were not the same. I was still falling into an endless darkness with no idea how to stop it.

Then Xena and I got word that the Centaurs all over were gathering together to form an everlasting treaty of peace. Kaleipus's group was one among them. To my surprise, Ephiny was there. I forgot about Xenon being a prince. I needed to talk about everything before the darkness swallowed me whole. Xena and I were like friends, nothing more, growing further and further apart. I was in a shop and a girl ran right into me, she must have been around eight winters old. She had my color hair, it needed to be cut and brushed. I thought she was a thief; she dropped a toy and I grabbed it quickly. I looked at it and my world came crashing down around me. It was the toy lamb my wife gave me, this girl was my daughter Hope. She told me her new parents told her that was with her when they found her. Her name was now Fayla but I knew it was Hope. She ran out and I was a mess.

Ephiny was a true friend and I needed her, needed someone. I told her everything that happened, I spilled my soul. This visit turned out to be a nightmare. Xena wanted to see Solan again and that ate at me. She can have her child and I cannot. Plus watching Ephiny with Xenon was just too much for me. To make matters worse, Callisto was here. She is one of those people who I wish I had never met. She was going to make Xena pay, by killing Solan, all of the children. I was damned if I was going to lose Solan or Hope again.

Xena and I set traps to make sure Solan was safe until we could get Callisto out of the way. It all went wrong. I was played again. I told Xena the truth about Hope; I felt my daughter was in danger also. All my wife could think about was killing her, poison. I yelled, "She is my child!!" Only to get, she is not a child. I.... Gods! My quill is shaking. Kaleipus was murdered and now Solan was coming with us. I felt bad for him and from the first time I met him I claimed him as my own. Hope made me think she was in danger. I did what any mother would do. I protected. I led her right to Solan; it was too late. The gut-wrenching scream from my wife still haunts me. Then, the site of her holding her dead child in her arms was too much. She could not stand the site of me. I did not blame her. I knew what needed to be done.

I led Hope to the forest thinking we would talk. I brought some tea with us. She is a child, and they get thirsty easily. I poisoned my child, but I was not going to stop there. I was so wrapped up, numb, I could not cry. I put the skin down after she drew her last breath and forgot to cap it. My poison spilled out, I could not end my pain. I cannot describe the pain I was in.

Shadows of my own reflection
hung by trees, bearing seeds
of my anatomy, sung wind-blown ashes
caught by a single thought
a storm of cells in blue-narrow roundness
tattooed to a word, assembled in right
The "Creation" left sour lips diseased
all along we were trying to say
far behind is still ahead
acceptance is readiness
our voice leaves no shadows
only ripples of rushed thought, swollen tongues
an endless tunnel of why
but still I live, and I am now
behind the wall

I am sitting in the middle of the forest with my dead child next to me. I bring the skin to my lips waiting to be free from all of this and I was denied. At that moment Xena showed up, looking for the kill I guess, too late. I did not know until much later that Xena saved the children and trapped Callisto. Ephiny found me and they built two pyres. So there my wife and I were standing and watching our children burn. She did not want to be near me, say Solan's name, nothing. My marriage was over. I said the only thing I could, I love you. Then I walked away just wanting to die. Joxer found me lying in the forest and brought me Amazonia.

I spent three days in the purification hut, it was to clear my mind and help me heal, Eph's idea. All it did was make my mind play tricks on me. I Even had Callisto slap my face and tell me that Xena did all of this, that it was her fault. It was much easier to blame. Then Joxer came in a brought me out and we were both shocked to see Xena there, beating all of our friends to a pulp. All I could see was Xena, and then I got a look at her eyes, hatred for me. Before I knew it, she had the whip around my ankles and I was being dragged across Greece. When I came to, she had me held in the air ready to throw me over a cliff in to the sea. I heard the word VENGEANCE!!!!!! I snapped. I kicked her in the head, stood up, and uttered the words that I thought never would I ever say. We looked at each other with pure hate. I screamed, "I hate you!" I charged her. She had a look of shock, me charge her. I thought she would kick my ass, but I got her and we both went over.

We should have been dead, but we were sent to Illusia. It was magical at first. I had Joxer singing to me, I was naked, and then I was with my home village with my sister. Then it was time to face Xena, she killed me. I knew she hated me, but to kill me? We were lost; it was all gone. Illusia was a chance to have rebirth or die in this darkness. Next thing we were sucked into this room of darkness. We were fine until we yelled and accused and let our hate show. Then it would echo the more we yelled the louder the echo got. We could not hear each other anymore. That is what hatred did. We were so busy accusing, that we were not listening to one another. When we spoke the truth, we heard and the echo's stopped. She asked me to tell her how I felt right now, not the past. I yelled, "I hurt inside! Don't you?"

My heart is hurting beyond words
The pain is tearing up my soul
These days have seen my spirit die
My life propelled out of control
My wounds lie naked to the world
My depth of suffering exposed
This damaged past can never heal
Until this nightmare book is closed

My heart is hurting beyond words
The pain is tearing at my soul
Please tell me how I can retrieve
the life that all this sadness stole
Because of you all this happened--(Echos start again)
Because you had to carry out your vengeful little plans
(The echo's are louder)

It's you who should feel guilty
Because of you my child is dead
His blood is on your hands

The echoes are too loud now; we can no longer hear one another. It gets windy and I feel this pulling. Something has me, I scream for Xena to help me. Then we were sucked into another room, my hands! Blood! We were back to where it all started, Dahok. I wanted to run but Xena stopped me, we had to make a stand now and together. Then we heard a horn. Then these coffins open and out steps all the people who tortured us, Ares, Khrafstar, Callisto, Caesar, and two other figures that still have their faces hidden. Then above we see this spirit floating to us, and it starts. We hear:

It begins very small
seems like nothing much at all
Just a germ, just a speck, just a grain
But the seed has been sown
and before you know it's grown
It has spread throughout your life like a stain
And it's power will strangle your love and you joy
and it's hunger consumes for it lives too destroy
Hate is the star, it becomes who you are
Not the hated, but the hater
has a torment that's greater
It will eat you alive, consume you and spit you out
Hate's gonna win that there's no doubt about
Hate doesn't care who you are-Hate is the Star!
Learning hate is an art, even people who are smart
can be caught, can be crushed, can be creamed
Hate has swallowed you whole
Did you think you're in control
Hate you thought, hate you spoke, hate you dreamed
All you hate gave me substance your lives are undone
It's your eve of destruction, your hatred has won!

During that song, the two hidden figure emerged. It was us. I was chained to the alter where my evil started and Xena went back to the cross where Caesar broke her legs, that is where her true evil started. The figure of Xena was going to stab me and my figure was going to break her legs. Xena’s figure was ready for the kill and mine was going to do some damage. I screamed, "No!" Then I saw visions. I heard Xena yell my name. I saw the day we first met all the way to our wedding in just a blink of an eye. Then the songs were sung, exchanged in our souls.

I never dreamed that we'd be distanced by a hate
that all the trust we had would go

How could I hate you

How could it come to pass
This awful twist of fate

How could I hurt you

The madness can't be so

I can't believe it

I never dreamed that any barriers could rise

Or that I'd see the stranger in your eyes

Our hearts were hurting both the same

The hurt was tearing up our souls

The fury made us blind

We could not see beyond the pain

If we can turn again to love

If we can heal these open wounds

We'll leave this hatred far behind

So not a trace of hate remains

Then it happened. The light that I thought was so far out of reach, found us. This is my first chance to really think about the Hate song. It did start out small. I had doubt, then it turned into hurt, jealousy and it got worse the more I kept quiet. It was like a very slow poison that overwhelmed me before I knew it. I forgot Love. Talking to Xena, it was the same for her. Why didn't we just talk? Here we are now, we found our way, and we sang love together. We were one again.

We'll overcome our damaged past
And we'll grow stronger side by side
To stand together through the storms
We're safe cause love will be our guide

It was so simple, why was it so hard to find? We were let loose of our binds then how do I describe it. It was like a curtain of rain leading home. We had to walk through the rain to purify ourselves. I saw a young figure on the other side, the side where home was. It was Solan; he brought us here to heal. I was helping Xena and I did not think, I ran through the rain calling for Solan but he was gone. I turned telling Xena to come through, that spirit was coming for her. She tried but the rain burned her like fire, I was scared for her. I yelled, "Xena quick!" She said she couldn't. That is when the spirit showed itself. It was Ming-Tien. In Chin Xena told me she did not kill him, she did. She lied. Then I heard these words coming from my wife's lips, it had to be hard for her.

Yes, I lied
Thought I could protect you from the truth
Deliver you from evil
Spare your innocence and youth
That I could simply will it
Was the real untruth
I was wrong
I wore a mask to cover my deceit
But underneath it all
I couldn't keep away my doubt
Now I'm left without a mask
And one question left to ask
I'm sorry, please help me, forgive me
Don't hate me, don't leave me, forgive me
Forgive me, my debt as only you could
Forgive me the hate
Replace evil with good
Forgive me and find out that you will be able to
forgive yourself too

This was very true and full of emotion. Forgiveness. Simple word but so very hard to do. It is easy to keep the hate going. The only price is, it eats away at you, piece by piece where you can no longer recognize yourself. You end up hating yourself more too. Forgiveness is the answer. It releases all the pain, guilt, hate, frees your mind and soul. It was easy for me to forgive her this time. She needed to say more, but it was to her son. It was time for Xena to heal some. The words she sang to her child brought tears to my eyes. This was not Xena, The Warrior Princess, just Xena the person.

My dear Solan
I never told you that you were my son
I didn't know the days we had left were so few
If I only knew, I'd have been with you
I'm so sorry
I couldn't be the mother you deserved
And I regret that I missed your first step
your first words
That I never heard--now it seems absurd
Can you forgive me
Open up your heart and let me in
No matter if the fates against us turn
There's one thing through all of this I've learned
That what I need from you is to...
Forgive me. I'm sorry, believe me
Stop hating, stop hurting, forgive me
Forgive those who harm you
Do good for those who hate
Forgive, if not forget
I know it's not to late
Forgive me and you'll discover too
That the love of your love is you.

My warrior opened her heart. How could I not forgive her? I reached my hand out and brought her home. I heard Solan say Mother. Then I saw my wife hold her child and they said they loved each other. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. I closed my eyes to shed my tears as they embraced again. When I opened them, we were laying on the beach in the water. This was to be our death, but was our rebirth. We were also holding one another. At first I was worried how she would feel touching me, but I got that smile and she pulled me close again. Love brought us home.

Deep down I know it is true
just as natural as the morning dew
two hearts as one, me and you
Destined to share our world together
even through bad times, that we weather
our souls are attached by a tether
In those desperate times of tears
never give into your fears
we've triumphed over so much, these past years
You hold it inside, but yet I know you care
we are an undeniable pair
we are destined for eternity to share.

We fell back into the water, played, and laughed. This happen just three days ago. I am now in our camp writing by candle while my wife is asleep. We did a lot of talking, crying, and healing. We still have a ways to go, but we will make it. Together.

Why be afraid if I'm not alone
Though life is never easy, the rest is unknown
Up to now for me it's been hands against stone
Spent each and every moment
Searching for what to believe
Coming out of the dark, I finally see the light now
It's shining on me
Coming out of the dark, I know the love that saved me
You're sharing with me
Starting again is part of the plan
And I'll be so much stronger holding your hand
Step by step I'll make it through, I know I can
It may not make it easier but I have felt you
Near all the way
Coming out of the dark, I finally see the light now
It's shining on me
Coming out of the dark, I know the love that saved me
You're sharing with me
Forever, forever I stand on the rock of your love
Forever I'll stand on the rock
Forever, forever I stand on the rock of your love
Love is all it takes, no matter what we face
You must walk in the dark to see the light.

It was right there in front of us. I am still amazed. Sometimes you have to take the long way home, it is the only way to learn. Things will never be the same for me. I have changed, but isn't that life? The one thing that is certain in the world is change. You have two choices. You can grow and change with the times or just stay in one place and hide. This is the first time in a long time that I am looking forward to tomorrow. Thank you Solan. I love you.

Until Tomorrow,  

Read Journal Entry #17 "Forgiveness"

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