Gabrielle's Journal Series:  Fear

by Murphy

Do not own them. It is Alt. Part 7 in the journal series. Fluff alert. Thank you to my beta team, Becky Lovall, Sam Ruskin, and LJ Maas. Ex-Guards! Thank you all for your talent and support. Deb! Love Ya! Poem’s author is unknown. With the guidance of LJ, this will be called the, Gabrielle's Journal Series! Thanks LJ! This is for us all to wake up and tell people now, while they are here, that we love them. It is too late when they are gone. We need to learn to be thankful for what we have.

Journal Entry:


Don't Worry, For I Have Not Left You, My Love

When the wind blows, can you hear me whisper "I Love You"

I blow gently across your face just to feel your warm embrace

After I have felt your soul and the wind is gone,

don't be afraid, for I have not left you


Look into the sky for you shall see a star shining bright

full of love created by me just for you

You'll know its me because it will be the brightest star,

reach out for me, "Please Reach Out"

let me put that sparkle back in your eyes


I want to be where you are, I want to be a part of your world

but I cannot interfere with the Gods intuition

When the rain starts to pour don't run inside for shelter,

for its me crying endless tears of sadness because

I'm not there in your arms for you to cradle me just once more

Reach out, catch my tears, wipe them away

After all these tears start to fade, don't worry for I have not left you,


I'm still shining bright for you

When you have nowhere to run, when your world is dark,

Look in the sky, I'll be your light, your shining star, ever so bright

Only, Just for you my Love



Hello. Wish I could say that it has been a good day, but that is far from the truth. Xena and I are at a village outside of Corinth and it comes to another meaningless battle. Petty thugs decided to pillage for nothing more than power, to make a name for themselves.

There were so many, and I am so tired. I can’t rest. I nearly, once again, had my world destroyed, taken away. Whoever shall read this when I am no longer of this earth, the reason why my handwriting is so shaky, is the fact that I almost lost my wife. It is only now just catching up with me. You will have to excuse the smears on the page also; the tears will not stop yet.

I needed to vent so badly. So here I am in the healer’s tent sitting by my fallen wife, venting by candlelight. If I lost her, I would not know what to do. To make matters worse, we got into a big fight. She was trying to make me stay while she went into a battle alone, AGAIN! I hate when, even now, she treats me like a child. I am her wife for Tartarus sake, time she treated me like that. Needless to say, we haven’t talked much, other than to make plans for battle and care for the wounded.

We didn't even get a chance to do our making up before bedtime. The want-to-be warlords struck and we were in full battle so fast that I didn’t have time to think. Like always, Xena took on ten men at once with ease, while I had my usual three. I just leveled my last attacker when my world went into slow motion. It was the strangest thing; all I could hear was my heart pounding in my ears and my heavy breathing. I was running towards Xena to give her a hand and I didn’t see the person in the tree until it was too late. He shot the arrow and hit Xena with such force, she fell backwards.

Screaming, the next thing I was aware of was screaming. I did not realize it was me who was doing it. I got to her before one of those bastards tried to finish her. Then I stood with her between my legs to protect her, and I fought with such anger, but forgot the man in the tree. What got my attention towards him was the sound of the Chakram whirling past me and taking care of him once and for all, even now she takes care of me. I did not have time to look at her yet. I fought the rest off and then tended to her. By that time she was unmoving, her eyes shut.

She was bleeding so badly, I couldn’t stop it. She had blood coming out of her mouth and nose. I know it must have hit her lung, but she wouldn’t wake up. I had to keep my head; she needed me. A few men of the village helped me get her to the healer. He looked at me and said with this kind of wound no one survives. I informed him that Xena will and to get his ass busy or he would meet my staff and precisely where he would meet it. The visual threat made him move quickly.

We worked on her for a long time, seemed like forever to me. Her wounds are wrapped up and now we had a new battle on our hands. If she got an infection or fever, she would be lost; with that much blood loss, it will be a fight. She knows I will win; I am the stubborn one of the family. I, with the help of the healer, changed her dressing frequently and using a reed to get water into her a little at a time.  The hard part came next, waiting and thinking. You know...would of, could of, should of...guilt. I hate that feeling of helplessness. He said if she makes it through the night, she would have a chance.

I started to remember when I was wounded in Thessaly, I could not come out of the darkness, and it was scary. When I heard Xena's voice and words of comfort, I knew I wasn’t alone. She was so sad and I had to come back to her, then Ephiny told me what happened. Xena was so frantic trying to get me back, crying, pounding on my chest, and just asking me not to leave her. All I can remember is I came out of the darkness to the Fields and saw my family, when I heard someone calling me. I just had to go back, and I did.  I never regretted that for one minute, but I decided if this should happen again, I would leave something for her. That is when that poem came. So she would know, no matter what, that she will never be alone.  Now I sit here and talk her ears off like I usually do, so she knows she is not alone. This time she cannot tune me out when I talk too much. I spoke of all the times we had, some bad but mostly good.

The time when we first said, "I love you." Those three, simple little words that we were both too scared to say. Then I remember the first time we made love. I was so scared, I had no idea what I was doing, and she made my body reach past limits I never thought possible. Then my turn came around, my fear left me, and the love I had took over. I took my time that night and learned every pore on her body with my hands, lips, and tongue. I could not get enough. Her taste, her smell, and those sounds she was making made me wild.

I was working my way up her body again. When I reached her neck I tasted, tears??? I looked up and she was weeping. It broke my heart. I thought I hurt her in some way. My tears came and so did the apologies, only to be shushed by a finger to my lips.   She explained to me that no one had ever made love to her. This was her first time, also... and it just brought her to tears.

My memories then went to all the times she made me laugh, that smile that just melts my heart. How tender she is when I am ill or my soul is aching with troubles. How when we met that first day, I felt like I was whole. It was meant to be, we were meant to be. How can I take on the scary thoughts of life without her? There would be no life for me. How can any heart survive with only half a beat, how could lungs breathe with no air. I would be a shell of a person, my life would be hollow and without meaning.

Praying was next. Whoever would listen, I was asking. I cannot imagine waking up and not being in her arms or seeing those beautiful blue eyes that make me feel loved. Not hearing that irritating sound when she sharpens her sword or how she can stand with Argo and talk to her as if she was human. Having a tall, dark, and deadly warrior wake you by tickling you to the point where you are going to wet yourself. 

Sometimes in the middle of the night, being awakened by kisses and nibbles all over your body. When she is in the mood, Gods she can make me just tingle. Each time we make love we are one, our bodies, minds, and souls in a perfect dance towards ecstasy. Then, being held so tight and feeling like no one else exists other then us. Our love will make it through anything thrown at us. Then I remember when she asked me to join with her and our wedding. She made all my dreams come true.

Plans for our future, where we would settle when the time came, to which God owes us a big favor so we can have children. Then fear and anger came in. I started to yell about how unfair it is and how she made promises to me, warriors do not break their promises. Then I broke down and started to sob holding her hand in mine begging her not to leave me. A half a candle mark later I calmed down, changed her dressing, and got more water into her. That is when the need to vent came. If I had waited, I do not know if I can speak of the moment; if I lose her, now is the best and only time. I will keep praying and hope no matter what. She is strong and heals fast and I just need to keep my faith. I recall a saying that, The Gods never shut a door without opening a window. Faith, That is all I have right now.

Until tomorrow,


I closed my journal and turned back to my wife to give her more water and I nearly drop it on the floor. Her eyes are open.


Tears are forming and I kneel down, taking her hand in mine. She turns her head and smiles, then mouths, love you. I bury my head in her neck and cry. I bring my head up and she is asleep once more. I gently curl next to her, and before I let Morpheus claim me, my last thought is, Thank you.

Read Journal Entry #8 "War"


Return to Main Page