Gabrielle's Journal Series:  War

by Murphy

Part Eight in the Journal Series. More fluff! I hope one day that all mankind wakes up before it is too late! Lyrics by Michael Jackson. (Earth Song) Deb! Love Ya! Thank you to my beta team: Becky Lovall, Sam Ruskin,  and LJ Maas! Ex-Guards! Love you all! Poem by Ghegi25

What About?
What about sunrise?
What about Rain?
What about all the things that you said we were to gain?
What about killing fields?
Is there a time?
What about all the things that you said were yours and mine?
Did you ever stop to notice all blood we shed before?
Did you ever stop to notice the crying earth's weeping shore?
What have we done to the world? Look what we have done.
What about all the peace that you pledged your only son.
What about flowering fields?
Is there a time?
What about the dreams that you said were yours and mine?
Did you ever stop to notice all the children of war?
Did you ever stop to notice the crying earth's weeping shore?
I used to dream.
I used to glance beyond the stars.
But now I don't know where we are.
But what I know it is really far.

Journal Entry:

Hello. I have to write something and vent before I explode. I am so mad I could bite through Xena's chakram. While on the road, Xena and I got information that Ares was up to one of his old tricks. He was going to villages to gather new warriors...sons. If they did not comply, he would burn the village to the ground. By the time we got there, it was too late. We came to either, burned out villages or mothers weeping for their lost sons. I usually try not to hate, but I am finding it very hard with Ares.

I wonder what kind of person can cause all this suffering and not care. Ares cannot see the people he hurts, but as Xena explains it, warriors only live for their glory and Gods help you if you get in their way. Well I think it is a load of dung! Only a monster can be that unfeeling, then I felt bad because this is what my wife used to do. The difference with her is, she woke up.

If I could have a wish right now, I would wish that Ares and all his Warlords could feel the pain they cause. Each child that is lost, every life destroyed, all the dreams crushed, the hunger. When Xena and I run across people who are starving who am I to be blind, pretending not to see their need? So with a accepting smile from my wife, we give what we have. I am also not a fool; I know some of these young men believe that following Ares will bring them glory. In truth, it is a dark lonely death and instead of the person you thought you were, there stands a stranger.


I stand in front of the mirror and pray,
My vision is still hazy,
My hair is all in tangles,
My eyes are filled with tears,
I wipe the warm tears away,
As if trying to rid myself of my fears,
I'm ashamed of what I have done,
But it hurts me even more,
I can't make myself stop doing it,
Even though I know what's in store,
It has taken over my mind,
It is eating away at my soul,
My throat burns with anger,
While my mind growls for more,
I am still looking in the mirror,
Yet I don't know who I see,
All that I know,
Is this sad sight couldn't be me,
I grip the edges of the mirror,
So tightly that my knuckles turn white,
I want to scream out in anger,
At this ugly sight,
It's your fault I hiss,
That I do this to myself,
And notice a cut on my finger,
That I never knew I had,
I grab my hand in anger,
Or is it more like fright,
I'm just so shocked,
To see this sight,
I laugh and then I cry,
Then crumble to the floor,
I thought that I was strong,
I thought I was better than that,
My head throbs in anger,
My throat burns with pain,
My finger loses a drop of blood,
And Nothing is what I have gained.

All of us belong to a greater whole, and whether you call it society, a civilization or a country, it has a deep and profound impact on our lives. Some seek to escape it, some to embrace it. All of us, though, should seek to understand it, or I can hope for that anyway.

Xena told me of the speech Ares gives to these young men, promises of glory and riches. What he does not inform them of is, they will be lucky to live long enough. Ares never once thinks about the families, the mothers that lost their babies. They may be men, but they will always be someone's baby. Mothers
never stop seeing the child as their baby, that love will never die. A few times, I have seen those very same young warriors; nearing death, call for their mothers. I want my mom. All I can do is comfort them until their time comes.

After comforting one woman who lost her husband moons before and now her son, I was filled with such anger and hate that I had to step back. I went to
a tree, beat the Tartarus out of it with my staff, and just cried for every hurt soul. If only we can live through our dreams, the good ones. It’s funny how in your dreams, your feet never seem to touch the earth. You wake to reality, and then you search for a way to hide from the pain.

It drives Xena crazy when I do this, but in battle I step back just for a second and look at this person I am fighting. In another time this person could have been a friend, my friend, even though we are at war. I cannot comprehend what all this fighting is for.  One side for power the other for the Greater Good.

It has to stop; we have to change. We all need to look into that mirror and make that change. Xena's words do stick in my mind; you cannot save
everyone, Gabrielle.
Maybe not, but if you can get one person to change, then that will lead to another and then another. Hope and faith are necessary, so is
change. I have to believe that Ares can change. Xena did. She went from the most feared warrior to a hero.

Xena feels guilt inside each and every time we walk into these villages that have been sacked. Remembering her reign of terror, something she still has
nightmares about, she wakes up screaming. The few places we go that still judge her as the Destroyer, if they only knew. She thinks she should be dead for
the things she did, some agree. All the pain, the nightmares are far more punishing than death. She will have to live with all of that for the rest of her days.

It is my job to keep her on the path she is on now. That time around the fire where I made her promise that if anything happened to me she would not return to
her monstrous ways. That day I took on her soul and I will fight for it. Ares will not have her again; she is mine now. That is my vow and I will die for it. I think Ares knows this. No matter what he has done so far, our love for one another still wins and that pisses him off.

I may be the irritating blonde, but I am the one with the Warrior Princess, not him! Take that War God!  Funny, but I just answered my own question. No matter what evil throws at you, love will win all! It was right in front of me all the time. Don't you hate when that happens? Hear that Ares? Love will beat you. One by one, we will overcome whatever you throw at us. Speaking of love, mylast thought is a poem and I am off to sleep with my warrior pillow and looking forward to a new morning. Waking up next to her, how can I not have hope?

 A new morning has come into my life.
What I saw ugly before, seems to look beautiful and full of life.
A morning that became a beginning of how I see things now.
This new morning that is real, in my dreams I always had found.
But I am awake and yes it's true.
I have found a new morning with you.
You filled my heart with light, to brighten all of its dark places.
You lifted my spirits high when so many held it down.
You gave me something I never imagined I would ever see.
You gave me a new morning, and for this I love you endlessly.

Thank you for love. Thank you for my love.

Until tomorrow,

Read Journal Entry #9 "Jealousy"

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