Gabrielle's Journal Series:  Pray For Peace

by Murphy

  Do not own them. You know who does! This is number thirteen of the Journal Series. More Fluff! Thank you to my beta team:  Becky Lovall, Sam Ruskin, and LJ Maas. Ex-Guards!! Love Ya all! This is for us all. We need to stop being so hard on ourselves. We are all on this earth for some purpose. Each person that comes into our life adds something; we all count! We do matter!

Song lyrics by Madonna. Poem by: R.Croft

Little girl don't you forget her face

Laughing away your tears

When she was the one who felt the pain

Little girl never forget her eyes

Keep them alive inside

Promise to try--but it's not the same

Keep you head held high--ride like the wind

Never look behind, life isn't fair

That's what you said, so I try not to care

Little girl don't run away so fast

I think you forgot to kiss--kiss her good-bye

Will she see me cry when I stumble and fall

Does she hear my voice in the night when I call

Wipe away all you tears, it's gonna be all right

I fought to be so strong, I guess you knew

I was afraid you'd go away, too

Little girl you've got to forget the past

And learn to forgive me

I promise to try--but it still feels like a lie

Don't let memory play games with your mind

She's a faded smile frozen in time

I'm still hanging on--but I'm doing it wrong

Can't kiss her good-bye--but I promise to try


Journal Entry:

Hello. I am in a very poetic mood today; my soul is hurting.  I spent most of the day defending Xena's honor. We went through a town where they still think of her in the past tense.  Dirty looks, pure hatred, the tension was very high and my senses were on full alert.

We needed supplies desperately and had to stop. She did not tell me this was one of the towns that her army raided. I felt her uneasiness but did not press the issue with her, she hates when I do. She just gets this look in her eye that tells me to get our business taken care of so we can move out. It worried me when she stayed outside the store while I went to purchase our goods.

Next thing I hear is a mob wanting her blood. Each name they called her was like a slash to my heart. Then it angered me that she stood there with her head down, taking it all. The last straw was when one of them spit on her. All my warrior saw, was a flash of bard, while I was feeding that ass my staff. I was livid and it is funny seeing a group of people afraid of me.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I pulled away turning to look at her, she knew by looking at me that she had better be quiet. I turned back to the mob and spoke. Hatred gets nobody anywhere. Then I spoke the true heart of the Warrior. How she risks her life for people’s safety or goes hungry when she sees someone less fortunate.

I spoke of the healer and the woman she is. I told them of a woman whose village was attacked and how she had to step up to fight for freedom, at great cost. The loss of the one person she felt that truly loved her. How that day, when she lost her home and family, she was seventeen. She never even had a chance to be a little girl, with her mother working to support a family without a husband, her father.

How the Gods played games upon this lost young woman, told her that no one loves her. She turned to darkness. The few times she tried to love, she was used. Then a man saying she should be brought to justice interrupted me. I told him every night, when she screams from nightmares and cries herself back to sleep, there is justice. She will never forget the faces, the pain she caused. How she goes into each battle without thought of her life. My voice broke up there a bit.

She is trying to do right, make amends for her crimes. Everyone deserves a chance to make up for his or her faults. Who here is so pure or lacking in transgression? Who wants to tell her she does not deserve a chance? Slowly and much to my relief the crowd left and it was my turn to kick some warrior ass.

I turned to her and asked her what right she had just to stand there and let them hurt her? She was so ready to allow any one of them to kill her, almost like a wish. My love means that little to you? She went into her silent warrior mode and I just had to walk away and think.

I remember when we first met. I was shy, not mouth wise, a peasant girl that had no faith in herself at all. I thought for sure I would wind up like my mother. Married to a person her parents picked out and have kids without ever having hope. She was no longer Hecuba. She was someone’s wife and mother, like her true self fell of the face of the earth. My mother never knew happiness, she knew of duty to her family. She didn't matter in her mind; I was lucky to get away from that.

I knew when I met Xena I would follow her. I wasn't scared of leaving my home or of even going with her. She told me not to follow because I didn’t want to make her mad. Ha, I proved her wrong. She made me believe in myself. I learned from her that dreams are not foolish and we should fight for them. I now know I am somebody, that I do matter. All I needed is for someone to have faith in me. That is one of the reasons I love her so much.  

I love you,
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.

I love you
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.

I love you
For ignoring the possibilities
Of the fool in me
And for laying firm hold
Of the possibilities for good.

Why do I love you?

I love you
For closing your eyes
To the discords-
And for adding to the music in me
By worshipful listening.

I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple;
And out of the words
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.

I love you
Because you have done
More than any creed
To make me happy.

You have done it
Without a word,
Without a touch,
Without a sign.
You have done it
Just by being yourself.

After all
Perhaps that is what
Love means.

We have had bad times, but the good ones outweigh that.  I sat for a long time by myself just thinking, knowing she was not far from me keeping watch, making sure of my safety. A person is lucky to find someone who thinks about them, their needs and put you first. If you are lucky enough to find someone on this earth to love you, better hang on tooth and nail, the wolf is always at the door. Maybe my love is not strong enough for her to feel that. Maybe I just need to face facts that I cannot make her change, it is up to her.

I watch her at times. When we swim she is very playful or at times she will just get all silly on me just to make me laugh. I can see that little girl still there, waiting and wanting for someone to love her, to make her feel special. She acts embarrassed, but she likes when I bring her a flower and tell her what she means to me. She does not know that I know she keeps each flower I give her. She has this little bag, where she keeps her stone and cloth for her sword. I just happened to find them one day, it brought a tear to my eye.  I pray for her…that one day she will be able to forgive herself.

I was so heavy in thought; I didn’t even notice her sitting by me until I felt her. I couldn't stop crying and that made her very nervous. We talked and settled a few things, but I wanted her promise, a promise that she would not take her life so lightly, because she would be doing the same with mine. There is no she or I; it is now us. Together we will make amends for the greater good. Our children will carry that on when we are to old and gray to do so. She said she would try, but she will not forgive herself. I got something at least; we will work on the other together. Then she says I am the best thing that ever happened to her. Well, that goes both ways warrior, I said right back. She smiles, and then puts her arm around me and we watch the sunset.

Now as I write, I look at my wife who is sleeping. Looking up to the sky, I pray to whoever is listening. Please, one day let her finally find some peace.

Until tomorrow,  

Read Journal Entry #14 "Solan"

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