I Found My Heart in San Francisco

Book 1: Awakenings

By: S X Meagher

Disclaimers: See Chapter 1

Feedback: I'm consumed by self-criticism; therefore only positive feedback will be read. If you enjoyed the story please stroke my fragile ego, if not, flush it from your memory bank and move on. You can email me at sx_meagher@mindspring.com

Chapter 13

Ryan had been pestering Jamie for a week trying to get her to decide what she wanted to do to celebrate her birthday. Since it fell on a Thursday she was not going to see Jack or her parents. Her parents had invited her down for a celebration on Saturday and Jack decided that they should celebrate both her birthday and Valentine's Day since it fell on the following Sunday. Ryan found this arrangement more than odd, but she kept her comments to herself. The jerk lives 25 minutes from here! He can't drag his ass up here for a couple of hours to celebrate her 21^st birthday?! And who wants to lump their birthday in with Valentine's Day? That is beyond cheap!!

On Wednesday Jamie finally decided that she wanted to go to a bar to have a legal drink. This was fine with Ryan but the next problem was finding an acceptable bar. "Where do you normally go?" Jamie inquired.

"I don't go to a lot of bars to be honest," Ryan said. "I don't drink much and I'm not crazy about crowded places. But when I do go to one in the East Bay I usually choose a lesbian bar right on Telegraph. I don't think that's what you had in mind though. Maybe we should ask Mia, I'm sure she knows every hot spot in the Bay area."

"I don't really care about the atmosphere, Ryan. I just want to have a drink without fake I.D.'s"

" Would you be comfortable in a lesbian bar?"

"Yeah I would if I was with you. Besides, we would be bothered less at a gay place."

"Hey, speak for yourself," she said haughtily as she ineffectively hid a grin.

"You know what I mean, silly. The men there won't want us and you've said that women aren't very aggressive, so I thought we would be left alone."

"That's probably true" she replied. "It's fine with me if that's what you want to do. How about dinner first?"

"Sure. You pick where we go. Why don't you come over at 6 or so to pick me up?"

* * * * * * * * * * * *

As promised Ryan showed up slightly before 6 o'clock. She was dressed in her black silk t-shirt and a new pair of black lightweight wool slacks with deep pleats. The pants were held up by a thin black belt and they draped attractively over her long legs. Her black leather jacket was draped casually over her shoulder. "We need to get going, Jamie. I made reservations for dinner at 6 sharp."

"Reservations? We're going somewhere that you need reservations?" she asked in surprise.

"It's your birthday, knucklehead. I thought it would be nice to take you somewhere where the biggest question isn't 'You want fries with that?' "

"You wait right here, I'm going to change," she said as she looked down at her jeans and golf shirt. "I need to keep up with my escort. You look so..so.."

"Evil?" Ryan supplied helpfully, her face breaking into a crooked grin.

"No, I'd say you look sleek," she decided.

"Sleek, I think I like that," she mused.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

5 minutes later Jamie came down the stairs in an outfit that clearly rivaled her escorts in terms of sleekness. She had changed into a little black crepe tube dress that followed every curve of her slim body. The little dress was covered by a supple black leather bolero jacket that gleamed dully in the light of the staircase. Small black flats finished the look. "I've decided that we should both be PIBS," Jamie announced.

"PIBS?" Ryan inquired as she slowly walked around her friend, looking at her outfit with open appreciation.

"People In Black," she replied. "It's very L.A."

"If this is how they look in L.A., I'm moving tomorrow," Ryan said decisively.

"You are such a tease Ms. O'Flaherty," she replied.

"Oh, I'm not teasing," she said with mock sobriety. "You just look so...so....so..." Ryan fumbled.

"Sleek?" Jamie inquired.

"Yes, but more than that," she pondered her image again. "Sophisticated, glamorous, sexy, somewhere in there," she finally decided as she waved her hands in the air.

"That's probably because my mother bought this for me. She forced me to attend an art exhibit down in SOMA and she insisted that all of my clothes were either too 'mainstream', or 'juvenile'."

"Well," Ryan reflected, "I would agree that is one of the least juvenile outfits I have ever seen," she said appreciatively.

As they left the house Ryan dashed ahead and opened her car door, waiting until Jamie was settled before she gently shut it. Jack could learn some manners from her, she thought. Ryan drove, of course, and they pulled up to the valet at 'Chez Panisse' at 6 sharp.

"Ryan, you are so sweet! I told you I liked this place months ago. It's adorable that you remembered," she enthused.

Ryan gave her a curious look as she replied, "If it's important enough for you to tell me it's important enough for me to remember." As she held the door for her she related, "I couldn't get reservations downstairs, but I thought we would be more comfortable upstairs anyway. It's a lot more casual," she said happily.

"I actually prefer the upstairs. It's not filled with stuffy businessmen trying to impress clients. Normal people from the neighborhood eat upstairs," she said knowledgeably.

Jamie ordered her favorite meal; a small steak with French fries. Ryan had rack of lamb with some delectable oil-roasted rosemary potatoes. She insisted on ordering a bottle of wine but made Jamie pick out the vintage since she was wholly ignorant on the subject. Jamie was just a bit disappointed that the server did not ask for her I.D., but she had to admit that she was glad that she looked over 21 tonight.

They had a thoroughly enjoyable dinner. Jamie was impressed that Ryan seemed very comfortable in this atmosphere even though she was certain that she did not dine out much. After they had savored cups of cappuccino and a delightful piece of chocolate silk cake they headed home. The bar was very close to her house so rather than trying to park they had planned on walking. After they had parked the car Ryan dashed out to her bike and removed something large that had been lashed to the seat. She carried the big box into the house with a wide grin on her face.

Jamie tried to wrestle the box from her hands but Ryan held it securely, finally holding it above the laughing woman's head. "What makes you think this is for you anyway?" she teased.

"Because it's my birthday and you are too sweet not to give me a present, even though you don't need to," she replied logically.

"Well, you've got me there. This is for you," she said as she presented the box to Jamie with a flourish.

Jamie proceeded to rip off the wrapping paper and tear the heavy cardboard in a matter of seconds. She was delighted to pull out a brand new bright yellow motorcycle helmet. "Ryan this is so cool!" she said gleefully. "I absolutely love it!"

"I've been worried about you wearing my spare," Ryan admitted. "My spare is fairly large so that anyone can wear it. But I wanted to get you one that would fit properly. Your head is mighty important to me, you know," she said as she began to adjust the helmet properly. The fit was perfect and now Jamie wanted to take the bike to the bar. Ryan agreed conceptually, but she suggested that Jamie might want to change first. "Have you ever ridden a motorcycle in a short tight skirt?" she asked helpfully.

"Oh, good point," she said with a little blush. "Should I change or should we drive my car?"

"I'm very content to have you remain in that outfit," she said with an eyebrow waggle. "But you get to choose. It's your birthday."

"Can I drive?" she begged as her face scrunched into an adorable little pout.

Ryan pursed her lips as though deep in thought. But she quickly let her face slide into a grin as she admitted, "You know I'm powerless against that puppy dog face. Of course you can."

"Be right back," she said as she ran up the stairs to change.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

In a surprisingly short time Jamie came trotting back downstairs, still looking lovely, but much more equipped to drive a motorcycle. The short black leather jacket remained but now it covered a white turtleneck. Neat black jeans topped shiny black boots, now firmly placing Jamie into the sleek category. "Do you often have to warn your dates not to wear skirts?" she teased as they made their way to the driveway.

"Well, no," Ryan admitted with a leer. "I encourage my dates to wear short skirts."

Jamie was concentrating on getting onto the bike and she hadn't noticed Ryan's leering grin. "Why would you..." she started to say but the obvious answer came to her quickly. "Ryan!" she cried as she slapped her friend in the stomach. "You are such a..."

"Letch?" she once again helpfully supplied.

"At least!" her giggling companion agreed.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Moments later they pulled up to a rare legal parking space near the bar. It was still early and there were not many people in the establishment. It was dark and smelled of smoke even with the ordinance that banned smoking in bars. Jamie figured that years of smoke smell had just permeated the walls.

"Well, well, well," smiled the bartender. "The class factor in here just went up 100%," she said as she shook Ryan's hand. "Haven't seen you for a while, Ryan. I would ask what you've been up to, but it's pretty obvious," she teased as she regarded Jamie with a long look.

"You are incorrigible, Sandy," she grinned as she shook her head. "This is Jamie. Tonight is her 21st birthday, so treat her right."

"You certainly look like you're used to being treated right, Jamie," she said as she leaned over the bar a bit and moved her head close. "I guarantee that I'll continue that tradition," she purred.

Jamie unconsciously moved closer to Ryan and meekly ordered a white wine spritzer. Ryan asked for the same, although without the wine. After Sandy had placed their drinks before them Jamie whispered with a laugh, "I thought you said women didn't come on so strong."

"Sandy would be the most surprised person in the world if anyone ever took her up on one of her propositions. She's been in a committed relationship for years but she loves to joke around," Ryan informed her.

They found two stools near the rear of the bar. The juke box was on and the volume was a little higher than Jamie would have preferred but they could hear each other if they leaned close. "So what do you think?" Ryan asked. "Is it what you expected?"

"Well," she said as she looked around, "I have not been to a lot of neighborhood bars but from the few I've seen this one looks pretty typical. If you looked in quickly you wouldn't notice it was a gay place at all. Are most gay bars like this?"

"No, this is more like your typical middle class lesbian place. Some of the weekend clubs are very glitzy and appeal more to the 'lipstick lesbians'. I don't know why, but I feel more comfortable here. There are tons of good looking women at the weekend places but they're always really noisy. I think I just like the more laid back atmosphere of this place."

"Why do you call them weekend places?"

"Some promoters have a traveling club that is only open 1 night a month or 1 night a week. You'll see signs up advertising where the party will be. It's a lot cheaper to just rent a place for 1 night. Then they don't have the upkeep of keeping a place open on the slow nights."

"But you don't like them?"

"No, it's not that. Sometimes they're a lot of fun. But they're real high energy and um...well, let's just say that I wouldn't take a date to one."

"Why not?"

"It's hard to um..well, I tend to um..."

"You get hit on a lot don't you?" she said with a big grin.

Ryan's chagrined look was a clearly affirmative answer. "There's usually a lot of people that I know that go to those and it gets kind of embarrassing," she admitted shyly.

"You can't help it that you're irresistible," she teased.

"It's hardly that, Jamie. I've just dated so darn many women that it seems like half of the city knows me when I go to one of those big parties."

"Well, I think it's because you're so darned cute," she said as she tweaked her nose. "I've got to use the rest room. Is it right there?" she asked as she pointed.

"Yep. It's just behind that wall. I'll keep your seat warm."

There were about 5 women in line and she waited patiently while she watched a spirited game of pool. When she emerged from behind the partition she was surprised and a bit peeved to see someone on her stool. I don't get any respect in this community, she thought crossly. Hitting on her when I go to the bathroom! Unacceptable !

She marched right over and slid in between Ryan and the stranger. Ryan's legs were splayed wide apart and she nestled herself right between them as she leaned back against her. When she received a rather wide eyed look from the woman she smiled sweetly and said, "Hi, I'm Jamie, Ryan's date. Who are you?"

"Just leaving," she said quickly as she did just that.

Ryan's head moved forward just a bit to rest on Jamie's shoulder. Her deep chuckle rumbled across Jamie's back as she said, "I guess I could take you to one of those weekend clubs. You'd just open a can of whupass on anyone who got near me."

"It's all about respect," she said easily. "You've got to let them know they can't mess with you."

* * * * * * * * * * * *

After Jamie had reclaimed her stool they sat and chatted amiably while they people watched. After a while Jamie ordered another drink which surprised Ryan a bit. "Are you sure you're up to another?" she gently inquired.

"Yes, Mom. I may have just turned 21, but I've been drinking for years. I've spent a lot of time in Europe and wine is part of every dinner there."

"I just want you to be careful. Alcohol will hit you harder because of your weight loss. You won't be insulted if I drive home, will you?"

"Nope. I'm a big fan of the designated driver. But since you're driving it won't kill me to get buzzed on my birthday," she said firmly.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Around 10 o'clock Jamie decided that she needed to dance. The small dance floor was nearly filled as she pulled Ryan to her feet and led her to a spot near the juke box. A current song that Jamie particularly liked was playing as they began to move to the beat. My God, I assumed that she could dance, but this is ridiculous! she thought as Ryan became one with the music. Every part of her body reflected the strong beat of the thrumming bass. She moved her hips and her shoulders in a teasingly seductive way that had every pair of eyes on her. I am sure she is not conscious of how sexy she is. Every woman in this bar wants her, she marveled. They continued to dance as 3 more good songs came on. Jamie was no slouch as a dancer herself and by the time they finished most of the women in the bar were deciding which one of them they would choose if given a chance.

The exertion of their dancing and the closeness of the room made Jamie feel a bit tipsier than she normally would after her two drinks. Ryan actually felt a little light headed herself, due to the lingering effects of the wine they had at dinner. They went back to the bar for a few minutes as Jamie signaled Sandy for another round. When her spritzer was delivered she drank it quickly, mostly to rehydrate. She knew she was getting buzzed but she was having such a good time that she just let herself go for a change. She ignored her inner voice that normally kept a tight watch on her actions and her emotions. She just let herself have fun.

It was too loud to talk so they just sat back on their stools and watched people dance for a few minutes. After a while Jamie felt cool again and as soon as another favorite came on she rose and took Ryan's hand. The song was very slow and sensual and Ryan cocked her head as she gazed down at her. She leaned over a little and asked, "Are you sure?" Jamie's answer was to guide her to the dance floor without a word. As she slipped her arms around Ryan's waist she felt her partner's strong arms slide around behind her shoulders and drape loosely behind her neck.

As they moved to the slow, insistent beat of the music Jamie drew imperceptibly closer to her friend. There was still a respectable distance between them but she could occasionally feel Ryan's thigh brush against hers. A warm tingle passed down her body when Ryan's breasts touched hers slightly. They continued this soft and gentle connection when the song changed and another soft melody began.

There may have been other people on the dance floor, but only one person existed for Jamie at that moment. The connection between them was both soothing and electric. Each small touch, each warm breath that passed by her ear made her feel more and more deeply bonded. The next song was considerably faster but neither woman made a move to break the connection. They continued to hold one another as they moved at half time to the quick beat.

When the next song began Jamie found herself drawn inexorably closer to Ryan's body. The slow love song thrummed in the background but Jamie felt so connected that she swore they were moving to the merged beat of their hearts. The song was over much too soon and as it wound down they stood back slightly with their arms still gently holding each other and silently regarded each other for a few long moments. Ryan leaned down just slightly to speak but Jamie misinterpreted her movement. She slowly closed her eyes as she slid her hands up the powerful back to rest behind her neck. She placed her lips softly on Ryan's and let the warmth just wash over her like a warm summer rain shower. The kiss was gentle and tender and relatively chaste. But it lasted considerably longer than she had intended. Ryan didn't make any move to separate so Jamie eventually pulled back. But Ryan's crystal blue eyes locked onto hers, freezing her in place for a moment. There was a hint of a question in those deep blue eyes, but Jamie simply wrapped her arms around her neck and held her in a tender embrace for a few seconds. Ryan returned the affection and when they broke apart Jamie found that she held Ryan's hand in hers.

The clear blue eyes had gentled as Ryan looked down at her and asked, "Are you ready to leave? It's getting a little late." As her face broke into a sweet smile she added, "And I think we're both a little drunk."

Jamie returned the smile and acknowledged the truth of both statements. "Yes, we probably should go," she said as she leaned against her for another full body hug. "It's nearly midnight, so my special day's almost over."

"That's where you're wrong," Ryan said as she slid her arm around Jamie's waist. "The day doesn't make you special. It's the other way around."

Jamie dropped her head against Ryan's shoulder as she mused, How does she do that? She just makes me feel so precious.

When they emerged from the bar they followed their previous agreement to have Ryan drive. It was just a few short blocks to the house but as Jamie hopped off the skies opened up as a heavy rain began to pelt them. They both made a mad dash for the door, making the front porch relatively unscathed. Both Cassie and Mia were obviously at home, but the house was quiet. Jamie beckoned Ryan to follow her into the kitchen where they could speak normally without waking anyone.

"I don't want you to ride home in this weather, Ryan," she said.

"This is one of those nights I told you about," Ryan admitted. "You know, 50 degrees and raining like heck."

"Take my car home tonight. You can return it tomorrow," she offered.

"I don't really feel comfortable driving your car alone, especially in the rain," Ryan demurred. "I'm not on the title or the registration, and my motorcycle insurance wouldn't cover me if I wrecked it. I'm a careful driver, but not everyone else is. I don't want you to have to explain an accident to your father," she stated firmly.

"Then call home and tell them you're staying here," she insisted. "I won't be able to sleep if you drive home in this."

"Okay, you win," Ryan finally agreed. "I can ride in the rain, but it isn't the safest thing to do." She looked a bit shy as she asked, "Where should I sleep?"

"It looks like everyone is home, so you're stuck with me," she said with a crooked grin. "Unless you want to sneak into Cassie's room and make a woman out of her," she teased.

"I think that is beyond even my many skills," she replied with a return grin.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Jamie took her clothes into the bathroom to change as Ryan called home to tell her father she was taking refuge from the rain. A few minutes later Jamie emerged in glen plaid flannel pajamas, with her face scrubbed and her teeth brushed. She offered Ryan a new toothbrush and showed her where the clean towels were. Finally she asked, "What do you normally sleep in?"

"Um, my normal outfit is a little casual for a sleep over," she admitted shyly.

"It's okay if you like to sleep in your underwear," Jamie reassured her. "Your underwear covers a lot more than mine does."

"My normal attire is quite a bit more casual than that," she said with a blush.

"Ooooh," Jamie replied. "That would be a touch casual. I'll find something for you." Jamie rummaged through her dresser finally coming up with an old pair of sweats and a t-shirt that Jack had left with her during the summer. "He's a little taller than you are but these should fit," she said as she handed the bundle to her friend.

Ryan followed Jamie's lead and went into the bathroom to change. As she brushed her teeth she reflected on the events of the evening. God, I don't know what happened at the bar, but it felt all together too good. I know the alcohol got to her a little bit, but there was more to it than that. I know she feels close to me but I have to keep my head. The last thing she needs is to make her life more complicated right now. When she kissed me I didn't want to encourage her but I also didn't want to hurt her feelings by pulling away. I'm not sure I did the right thing but honestly it just felt too good to stop it. Boy, this is one of those days that it's a real bitch to have morals, she mused.

As she slipped into Jack's clothes she thought, I don't know if it's a good idea to sleep in her bed tonight. I wish there was another place to crash but it would really be insulting to curl up on that little loveseat when she has a king sized bed. I just have to remind myself that she's a wonderful, attractive, sexy straight woman, who's engaged to be married.

After a few minutes she emerged with her hair in a simple braid and Jack's clothes covering her body. Jamie marveled at her appearance for a moment, "You and Jack could not look more different, but those are exactly your size," she said.

"Yeah, we just fill them out in different places," she grinned.

I'll say, thought Jamie silently. She climbed into bed and turned the covers down for both of them.

Ryan looked at the bed and hesitated. After Jamie was settled she attempted to pull the covers back up on her side and lie down on top of them. "What are you doing?" asked Jamie with a confused look on her face.

"I just thought I should sleep outside the covers," she said shyly.

"Afraid I'll bite?" Jamie replied a bit cross at the insinuation.

"No, not at all," she replied although that was exactly what she was afraid of. "I just don't want to put you in a bad position. I know Jack isn't wild about me, and I don't want you to have to explain anything that might make him mad."

"It'll make me mad if I'm trapped by these covers all night," she said. "Get in here," she ordered.

Ryan complied despite her reservations. "I do kind of hate to sleep on top," she admitted. "It's lots cozier inside."

They kept a respectful distance as they shifted and adjusted their positions for a few moments. As they both settled down Ryan quietly said, "Happy birthday, Jamie."

Jamie smiled at her friend in the dark and replied, "You made it happy, Ryan. Thank you."

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Several hours later a loud clap of thunder woke Jamie from a deep sleep. She had been having a vaguely arousing dream and as she struggled into consciousness she realized with alarm why the dream had seemed so real. She was plastered up next to Ryan, touching her with her body from her shoulders all the way down to her feet. Her right hand was slowly tracing gentle patterns on her friend, starting at her waist and traveling down her hip to the inside of her thigh. She nearly gasped in shock at what she had been doing, but when she pulled the offending appendage away she heard Ryan softly mumble, "Please...please don't stop."

Jamie felt as though she was in a trance as she felt Ryan's strong hand grasp hers and place it on her breast. She felt those sensuous hips move against her as they began a slow, steady beat. She was not sure what propelled her to respond, but she did so enthusiastically. Her hand touched, and rubbed and teased both of those perfect breasts until Ryan's hips began to grind into her lap insistently.

Suddenly, she felt herself being rolled onto her back. Ryan appeared on top of her, bracing her body with her forearms, blue eyes dark with desire. She dipped her head and stared intently for a moment, gauging Jamie's receptivity. The vivid green eyes that gazed up at her unblinkingly were a clear signal so she locked her warm mouth onto Jamie's waiting lips. The smaller woman felt her mouth open just a bit and seconds later that warm, wet tongue slid in.

Jamie felt her head begin to spin as the sensations became overpowering. Ryan's tongue moved slowly in her mouth as her own tongue joined in the sensual dance. Jamie felt her body respond in a way that she had never imagined possible. She felt a depth of connection with this woman that felt bone deep.

Ryan lowered her torso onto Jamie's and began to move slowly against her body. Every part of Jamie's body was rubbed softly by its counterpart. Breasts glided against breasts, firm bellies and strong thighs slid sensually against each other. Every nerve ending tingled in anticipation. As the touch became overwhelming Jamie growled as she wrapped Ryan in her arms and rolled her onto her back. She felt Ryan's legs open in invitation and she slid in between them, settling her hips in the warm furrow. Those long strong thighs wrapped around her hips as she pressed herself against the apex of Ryan's desire. The heat radiated from her as Jamie groaned into her mouth, claiming her with her lips again and again.

Ryan's hands slid under her top and moved slowly up her sides until they found their target. Soft, warm fingers teased the taut nipples as Jamie felt the contact deep in her groin. She moaned again and again as those fingers continued to torment her aching breasts. She reached down and grabbed the hem of her top, pulling it over her head in one swift move as she pulled herself up towards that inviting mouth. Ryan did not relinquish the firm hold that her thighs had claimed as she moved as one with her.

Jamie lowered herself over Ryan's mouth and let out a low growl as that warm mouth captured a throbbing breast. She raised and lowered herself repeatedly as each breast was loved in turn. Ryan's hips were nearly off the bed as she clung desperately to her.

Jamie felt herself nearing climax as Ryan bit down on a tender breast. She threw her head back and felt herself release as wave after wave of sensation coursed down her body. She was unable to support herself on her shaking arms and she felt herself collapse onto Ryan's powerful chest.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

A loud thunderclap rumbled through the house. Jamie sat bolt upright in bed and whipped her head around trying to make sense of where she was. She focused her senses and found that she was fully clothed. She looked to her left and found a peacefully sleeping Ryan. Oh my God, was that a dream?!

She lay back down and let the dream wash over her again. I have never felt anything so real! Touching her and being touched felt so completely erotic. I don't think I've ever been that aroused.

Thoughts and sensations fought for space in her overtaxed brain. Why did I dream about Ryan like that? Is it just because I'm a little high and she's lying so close to me? I mean every woman at that bar wanted her. If I'm going to fantasize about a woman why not choose Ryan?

I'd give anything to be able to respond to Jack like that. Why can't I just accept what he's able to give me and get on with my life? It's not like there's anything wrong with him. He's really a lovely man. I just wish he could excite me half as much as I was in that dream.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

The alarm sounded at 6:30 a.m. Jamie stuck an arm out of the covers and slapped it with her hand. She groaned as she opened her eyes and saw the time. She turned and saw Ryan gazing over at her with a big smile on her alert face. "You're not a morning person, are you?" she observed happily.

Jamie merely responded by covering her head with the pillow. She felt Ryan hop out of bed and found herself falling back to sleep when she heard the shower running. When Ryan was finished in the bathroom she came over and perched on the side of the bed. She was wrapped in a huge bath sheet and she debated whether to put her nice clothes back on or try to get away with wearing Jacks sweats. While she debated her wardrobe choices she decided to wake Jamie. She looked down at her friend, so peaceful and serene in sleep. She contemplated a gentle way to wake her; finally letting her evil side win. She threw the covers back as she climbed onto the bed and began to tickle her mercilessly. Jamie giggled and thrashed about on the bed as Ryan refused to let her go. There was a very brief knock on the door that occurred almost simultaneously to it being thrown open.

Cassie opened the door a bit and stuck her head in. Ryan was mostly covered by the bath sheet but she was straddling a wildly twitching Jamie. Their hands were locked together as they fought but the open door caused them both to freeze in place. Both women caught the expression on Cassie's face that was a mixture of glee and revulsion. "Jack's on the phone," she said as she ignored Ryan's presence and their very compromised position. "He said he called you yesterday to wish you a happy birthday, but you were obviously...out. Do you want to speak to him...or are you too... busy?" she said innocently.

"Of course I'll speak to him. Just give me a second," she said as she hopped up and dashed to the bathroom.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Cassie went back downstairs and was speaking with Jack when Jamie picked up the upstairs extension. "You can hang up now, Cassie. I've got it." Cassie signed off and Jamie greeted him. "Hi honey, thanks for calling. Sorry I missed you last night."

"Isn't it a little early to have visitors, Jamie?" he inquired softly.

She sighed deeply as her hopes were dashed that Cassie had been discrete. "Do you want me to answer that or was that a rhetorical question, Jack?"

"I suppose it might as well be rhetorical. I don't feel that I ever get the whole truth out of you anymore," he replied.

"If you want to know why Ryan is here you can ask me. I don't lie to you Jack, and if you don't know that we've really got problems."

"I'm not sure that I do know that, but I would agree that we most definitely do have problems. I hope you had a nice birthday, Jamie. I'll see you tonight if you're still planning on coming down." He hung up before she could form a reply.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

This is a big deal, Jamie. You can't continue to ignore the fact that Cassie is making him nuts about this. Look at it from his perspective...to him, Ryan is the same as a guy. All he knows is that you were in bed with someone who he believes is sexually interested in you. Cassie probably made it sound even worse than it was...which wouldn't actually be hard to do, she admitted.

But even though she knew that the last two weeks had been very damaging to her relationship, and that she should be concentrating on that, she could not help thinking about Ryan. I cannot believe that I kissed her like that! God, I can't believe how incredibly soft her lips were. So much different than kissing a man. It was just like melting into the softest thing I can imagine. And what in the hell must she have been thinking? She wasn't as buzzed as I was, and she's always in such control. Did she enjoy it too? I know I should bring it up or apologize or something, but I don't think I can.

Her stomach was in such turmoil that she was only able to get down a diet 7-up for breakfast. Ryan bought her story about being a bit hung over so she didn't give her too hard of a time about not eating. Now lunch was coming up but there was no way she could even think of eating.

I've got to talk to Jack. Obviously I can't concentrate today anyway; maybe I'll drive down to Stanford and look for him. What the hell. I'll take my bike and ride around campus for a couple of hours to get rid of some of this stress.

An hour later she was furiously pedaling around the campus. She knew he had a long class on Friday afternoon, but she seemed to remember that it was over at 3. I think that's his last class of the day so I should be able to find him.

At 2:45 she was riding up and down the street where most of the law buildings were housed. Oh, there's his law review partner. She'll know where he is. "Hey, Natalie!" she called out.

"Oh, hi Jamie," she replied with less warmth that she usually exhibited. "Looking for Jack?"

"Yeah. Do you know where he is?"

"He's just getting out of his 'Secured Transactions' class. I'm supposed to meet him here to go over some things. But...um...I'll just go to the law review office. Ask him to come over there when you're done talking." She looked a little uncomfortable as she added, "Good luck."

A few minutes later he came around the corner with a neutral expression on his face. But the moment he saw Jamie his eyes narrowed and his entire demeanor became rigid. "I saw Natalie and asked her if I could talk to you for a few minutes before you get together. She said she'll meet you in the law review office. Can we please go somewhere quiet for a little while?"

"Sure. Let's go over to one of those benches," he said, pointing to a quiet picnic bench in a grove of pine trees.

She walked her bike as he walked beside her in silence. She climbed up to sit on the table and he sat on the bench so that her head was a little higher than his. "Will you talk to me about how you're feeling?" she asked gently.

He stared straight ahead for a few moments until he finally said, "I'm confused, Jamie. I'm more confused than I've ever been. Were things really so bad for you before? I really thought we were happy, but maybe I was deluding myself."

"No, Jack, that's not true. I was happy before, we were happy before. And we still have really good times together. I know this is a hard period of adjustment for both of us, but I promise it can be even better when we get through it. I know it seems like I've changed an awful lot, but deep down inside I don't think I've changed at all. I think I was just afraid to let my real self out before. I was trying to be the woman that my father and mother wanted me to be. Then I wanted to be the woman you wanted. Now I'm just trying to be who I am. I know it