I Found My Heart in San Francisco

Book 1: Awakenings

By: S X Meagher

Disclaimers: See Chapter 1

Feedback: I'm consumed by self-criticism; therefore only positive feedback will be read. If you enjoyed the story please stroke my fragile ego, if not, flush it from your memory bank and move on. You can email me at sx_meagher@mindspring.com

Chapter 14

At around 2:30 she pulled up in front of the house in the Noe Valley. She knocked on the door and Conor came to answer. "Hi. How was church?" he asked brightly.

"It was good. What have you been up to?" she replied.

"Rory and I are watching the Warriors on TV. Ryan just got home. Go on down if you want," he said.

She started down the stairs but paused as she reached the open door. Jamie stood in open mouthed shock at the scene in front of her. Ryan was lying half on the bed, with her new pants around her ankles. She had on her standard knit boxers but this pair was bright white. Tracy was straddling her waist and was bent over her prey kissing her in a thoroughly erotic manner. Ryan's wrists were pinned down securely by Tracy's hands, and the smaller woman was slowly undulating her hips in a lust filled pattern. Ryan seemed to be struggling a bit but just as Jamie turned to go back upstairs she heard her friend utter a long, low moan that turned her knees to rubber. She had to place her hand on the wall to steady herself, but she was able to climb the stairs and reach the safety of the living room. She found herself standing in the kitchen when she heard Martin come in the front door.

Doing her best to compose her face she went out to greet him. "Hi, Martin," she said lightly.

"Ah, Jamie. I hoped that was your little car I spotted out in front," he said as he came over to give her a hug. "What are you girls up to today?" he inquired.

"Nothing much. I just got here. I had been at church and Ryan went to brunch with Tracy. I think she's downstairs changing or something," she said, just lying a little.

"Does she know you're here?" he inquired. "Go on down if you like."

"No, no," she responded immediately. "I'll just wait until she's finished."

"Let me get you a drink or a little something to eat, Jamie," he said as he regarded her thoughtfully. "You're still losing weight aren't you?" he said after a moment. "Are you still troubled by the attack?"

"No, it's not that. I've been having kind of a hard time, and I have trouble with my stomach when I'm upset."

"What's troubling you, lass?" he inquired as he brushed her cheek with his palm.

"My fiancé broke off our engagement last night," she replied shakily as a few tears started to stream down her face.

"You poor little thing," he said soothingly as he wrapped her in his arms. For reasons she could not understand Jamie felt completely comfortable resting her head on his chest and letting out her feelings. "That man must be daft to let a prize like you get away."

"Thanks, Martin," she said softly as she pulled away. "That really does make me feel better."

At that moment Ryan and Tracy came in to the kitchen, hand in hand. Martin greeted them both as Jamie struggled to erase the image burned into her brain. Finally, she was able to say hello in a fairly normal tone of voice.

Ryan looked at her quizzically as she asked, "Have you been here long?"

"No, just a few minutes," she fibbed. "I was just chatting with Martin here," she said as she smiled at him.

He smiled back as he replied, "I'm going to go change out of my uniform. Try to get this one to eat a bite or two will you, Darlin?" as he addressed Ryan.

"I try, Da. I really do," she said as she grinned at her friend.

Tracy came over to Jamie as Martin left the room. She placed her hand on her shoulder and looked directly into her eyes. "I'm really sorry to hear about your breakup, Jamie. I really feel for you."

"Thanks, Tracy," she replied, still a little shaky.

Tracy went back to Ryan's side and smiled sweetly at her. "I've got to go study, Sweetie. I had a very good time at brunch."

Ryan placed two of her fingers on Tracy's chin. She slowly lifted her head as she softly touched her lips with her own. Both kept their eyes open and Tracy's mouth broke into a grin as Ryan pulled away. The kiss was completely chaste, no more than a light touch. But Jamie felt like she had witnessed a terribly private moment. She felt an ache of emotion flood through her chest at the tenderness of the contact. And right at that moment, she knew. She was as sure as she had ever been about anything in her life. No qualms, no doubts. She wanted Ryan. She wanted to be with her, to touch her, to love her. She felt herself begin to become aroused thinking about how she wanted to touch her and be touched. Her dream came back in full force and she had to close her eyes to concentrate on remaining centered.

She heard herself say goodbye to Tracy and she knew that she was now alone with Ryan. She wasn't sure who moved first but in seconds she was wrapped in Ryan's arms, holding on tight. But this hug felt different from all the other hugs she had received from her friend. She allowed herself to really feel Ryan this time. She inhaled deeply to imprint her scent; she felt her warm breath tickle the side of her face. She focused on the soft firmness of her breasts as they pressed against her chest. This is what I want! I want this woman!

* * * * * * * * * * * *

The rest of the day passed in a fog. She knew they had all eaten dinner together. She knew they spent the evening in Ryan's room, studying. Rather, Ryan studied as she tried to force herself to look at her books, instead of daydreaming about the beautiful creature sitting mere feet from her, clad only in her underwear.

As the evening wore on Jamie watched Ryan repeatedly shove her dark hair behind her ears in an irritated gesture. Since her entire focus was on her lovely friend she automatically found herself standing behind her and gently pulling the dark tresses back into a ponytail. But the silky hair felt so fabulous in her hands that she unconsciously began to run her fingers through it, starting at the scalp and extending all along the length. A deeply contented murmur of satisfaction greeted her ministrations, which only served to encourage her. She continued her stroking until Ryan sleepily mumbled, "Two more minutes and I'm out."

Her eyes flew open as she stared down at her hands in amazement. She was fully conscious but she had no memory of getting off the bed and beginning to rub her friend's beautiful head. She stood there with her fingers entwined in the dark hair, not able to reply in any fashion. Slowly, Ryan turned her head and Jamie felt the silky threads fall gently from her hands, one lock at a time. Ryan gave her a gentle smile and asked, "Are you having a tough time concentrating tonight?"

Jamie tried to control the blush that was rapidly traveling up her neck. "Yeah, I guess I am. I've just had so much on my mind that it's really hard to focus."

"Is there a lot you need to do for class?" she inquired.

"No, I'm actually pretty caught up. I studied a lot on Friday night, so I'm just trying to stay ahead."

"Why don't we go for a walk? I'm about to go cross-eyed from looking at these chem problems. If you feel up to it we could walk over to the Castro and get some ice cream."

"How far is that?" Jamie asked suspiciously, knowing that Ryan's athletic capacity far exceeded hers.

"It's about a 20 minute walk, at a leisurely pace, " she replied. "I guarantee it's not too far for you."

They got their shoes and sweatshirts on and stepped out into the foggy, damp evening. There was not another person in sight and the streets were likewise deserted. The fog seemed to muffle every sound from the neighborhood and Jamie felt like they were all alone even though they were in the middle of a very large city. Ryan slipped her arm around her shoulders and said, "I'm so sorry that things are hard for you right now, Jamie."

Jamie just smiled up at her friend, happy for the closeness. She reached up with her right hand and held onto Ryan's dangling hand, pressing it into her shoulder. They walked for another few minutes before Jamie asked, "You seem to get along with Tracy really well. How do you think it's going?"

Ryan's eyebrows gathered in concentration. After a moment she cocked her head slightly and said, "I'm not sure, to tell you the truth. I thought a long walk might actually clear my mind enough to let me consider how it's going." She pursed her lips together and allowed her forehead to crease into a little frown. "I'm not up for talking about her right now though. Let's talk about you."

"Ugh," she grunted in obvious disgust. "I thought a walk might take my mind off my stuff." Looking up at Ryan she quirked her mouth into a grin and observed, "So both of us have things on our minds that are obviously bothering us but neither wants to talk about it. That's a switch."

"Yeah, I guess it is," she agreed with a little nod, not rising to the bait.

"Well, let's talk about where we're going," Jamie suggested. "I've never been to the Castro you know."

Ryan stopped short and stared at her. "You haven't?! I thought they brought bus loads of straight children up here to observe the natives in their habitat!"

Jamie laughed at her exaggerated antics. "Nope. I missed this on the cultural tour. I guess I just never had a reason to come here. There's no museum, gallery, symphony, or outstanding restaurant here is there?"

"Nope. Although I think 'Hot 'n Hunky Hamburgers' is worth a trip."

"Riiiight," she agreed. "Sounds just like my mother's kind of place. No, for living so close to The City we didn't come up for anything other than restaurants, sporting events, or culture. We actually didn't do a lot of investigating the Bay Area. I've spent much more time sniffing around Tuscany than I have San Francisco."

"Well, stick with me, Pal, and I'll introduce you to every dark alley in this town."

"Did your family do a lot of things together in The City?"

"No, not really," she admitted. "Because there's 6 years between Brendan and I he was involved in sports and school things by the time I was old enough to go out in civilized society. So it was hard to do things that appealed to all of us. We stuck pretty close to home as a family. Our lives centered around our extended family, our parish and our sports teams."

"Then how do you know so much about the back alleys?" she teased.

"Cause as soon as I was old enough to ride my skateboard over these hills I was gone," she said with satisfaction. "I still remember the first time I had the guts...or the stupidity to ride down Castro."

Through the fog Jamie saw the steep terrain that they had to descend to reach the main business area of said Castro Street. "You...you rode down this!?"

"Yep. I strapped my little helmet on as tight as I could and let 'er rip! My heart was in my throat the whole time and my legs were shaking so bad I almost fell off but I did it. When I got to the bottom I actually spent a minute feeling my body to make sure I was still in one piece. I was tingling so much that I couldn't really tell!"

"So once you crossed 'The Rubicon' there was no stopping you, huh?"

"Nope," she said happily. "I had some buddies from the neighborhood, boys of course, who had to do it since I could. Once we all had our 'wings' we just started ranging farther and farther from home. We had passes that let us take MUNI for free so we'd go over to Castro and Market and just jump on the first train. We'd ride until we got tired of it and get off and ride around until we got bored. Then we'd get back on and head home."

"My God!" she cried. "I had to get advance permission to go to a friend's house, and she lived 3 doors down!"

"Well, Da didn't know a tenth of what I did, and it's better that way. But I remember the first time I got pinched for trespassing down in the Embarcadero."

"The Embarcadero! That's miles and miles from here. How old were you?"

"Probably 10 or so," she mused. "Anyway, we were skateboarding down some really cool handicapped ramps some of the big buildings have. The big clothes trend had just barely started and we were all dressed up in our big skateboarding pants and those huge parkas. It was winter and really cold so I had on a stocking cap too. Da would not buy me the big pants of course, so I would swipe Connor's pants when Da was at work and roll them up so I didn't break my neck. Anyway, the pants were too big, even for my purposes and they started to fall down just when the guards started running. My buddies blew out of there but I caught the rolled up hem in a wheel and took a header. One of the guards caught me and started treating me pretty rough, just to teach me a lesson.

"Did he hit you?" she asked in horror.

"No, he was just dragging me by my coat and screaming at me. Anyway, he drags me in the security office and they start to give me the 3^rd degree. But I clam up and refuse to talk. I figure they'll let me go cause I'm just a little girl, right?"

"Wrong?" she asked tentatively.

"Wrong indeed! They searched me and found my MUNI pass. It was in my name but they still hadn't figured out I was a girl yet and the pass didn't help! I had to sit in that office with these goons threatening me for hours! They left a message on the machine at home since the number was on my pass and Da finally called at around 6 o'clock. Listening to their end of the conversation was pretty funny," she recalled. "I heard them say, 'Mr. O'Flaherty, we have your son down at #3 Embarcadero. He was caught illegally skateboarding and we're holding him prior to sending him to the Youth Authority.' "

Jamie was horrified at the rough treatment that her friend had been subjected to. "Weren't you terrified?" she cried.

"Not of them or the Youth Authority," she admitted. "Actually the Youth Authority sounded pretty good compared to facing my father. The guy on the phone started insisting that I was Da's son and I could just imagine him telling the boys to line up and count off," she laughed. But then the guard's eyes got big and he turned to me and yanked off my stocking cap. He about croaked when he saw that I was a little girl. They got real nice to me after that...brought me a soda and some cookies. That really pissed me off," she grumbled.

"What? It pissed you off that he was nice to you?"

"Yeah, since it was only because I was a girl. If he was going to be a jerk cause I was a boy he should have been a jerk when I turned out to be a girl!"

"You're something else, Ryan," she laughed. "So then what happened?"

"Oh, I had to sit there until Da came to get me."

"Was he mad?"

"He was more mad about the parking fee than anything else," she laughed. "But I had to pay him back for that out of my allowance. Since I only got $2 a week it took me a month!"

"Was that your only punishment?" she asked, not imagining that Martin would ever hit a child.

"Yeah, plus a very long lecture that I really deserved about using a handicapped ramp for play. We learned our lesson that day though," she admitted. "From then on we always kept one kid near the ramp to warn us if a real handicapped person was coming!"

"You are incorrigible, Ryan O'Flaherty."

"Yeah, well hanging out on my skateboard was nothing compared to the trouble I got into down here," she smirked as they entered the business district of Castro St.

"It looks so...ordinary," she remarked as she looked around.

"You expected what? Dungeons, transvestites in every window?"

"No...I don't know what I expected but it hardly looks gay at all," she mused as she turned in a complete circle.

"Yeah, it's pretty hard to tell," Ryan dryly remarked as they stopped in front of a small house wares store. "Do you like those towel bars?"

Jamie squinted at the very small towel racks that were displayed right near the front window. The bars were actually cast concrete replicas of massively engorged penises, all extra large. The towels were embroidered as usual for guest towels. One read 'Cum Towel', and other 'Trick Towel', and a pair that hung together read 'His and His'. She stood in slack jawed shock, finally turning to her grinning friend as she muttered, "I don't know what a trick towel is and I don't think I want to!" as she turned and continued to march down the street.

Another little video store had a display up celebrating the upcoming Academy Awards. Cute little Oscar replicas lined the display window but each Oscar was sporting a massive gold erection. Jamie gazed up at her smirking friend and asked, "Is the other side of the street all vaginas?"

"No," Ryan laughed. "It's pretty much all about the penis in the Castro."

Now Jamie's sense of equality was insulted. "That hardly seems fair," she demanded with hands on her hips. "Lesbians need love too!"

"I couldn't agree more," Ryan soothed as she wrapped her arm around her feisty friend to continue their walk.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When they reached the 'Double Rainbow' Ryan insisted that Jamie get two scoops of the double chocolate flavor. Because it was a little cold out they ate in the small shop. Ryan had ordered a hot fudge sundae and Jamie watched her eat with obvious pleasure.

"Are you sure you like kissing better than eating?" she teased.

"I'm positive," she replied with a little eyebrow wiggle.

"Then you must really like kissing," she said slowly.

"You have no idea," she intoned solemnly as she slowly shook her head.

Oh God, but I want to know. I really want to know!

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Back on the street they decided to return via the opposite side just in case there were hidden vaginas that Ryan hadn't previously noticed. "It really seems unfair to me Ryan," Jamie insisted as they confirmed that the street was clearly focused on gay men and their equipment. "I mean, the Castro is supposed to be this big gay Mecca and it's all about men. I mean lesbians are the least interested group in the world when it comes to penises."

"Well," Ryan drawled, "one's with feeling in them at least."

"Huh?" she asked as she turned to face her friend, cocking her head slightly as she did so.

"Sorry," Ryan said quickly. "I was just making a joke. I was merely referring to lesbians interest in non-human penises."

Jamie gazed down at the ground for a moment and Ryan thought she had offended her by the little joke. But she was obviously considering the matter because she finally looked up and said, "Is that really a 'thing'? I mean, I thought that was a bad joke that guys always make."

Ryan's color rose dramatically as she pursed her lips and tried to decide how much to reveal. "Um...well, it's kind of a...do you really...um...should I give you my personal response or do you want a lesbian-wide answer," she finally got out.

Jamie immediately grasped her arm as she assured her, "I'm sorry, Ryan, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable. I've just heard snide little comments about lesbians and their fake penises for years. I guess I want to know if there's any truth to it."

"Well, you did see the assortment at 'Good Vibrations', " she reminded her.

"Yeah, but I thought the vibrators would be the lesbian thing. I kinda thought the penises were for gay men."

"Um...well...I guess it depends on the um...person..." she stammered.

"You don't have to answer, Ryan," she assured her. "I just...I guess I'm surprised this bothers you since nothing else has seemed to."

Ryan considered this as they started to walk again. "Hmmm, you are right about that," she mused. "Maybe it's because I know you a lot better now. I don't know, Jamie," she said slowly. "Maybe I don't want you to think badly of me...you're opinion has come to mean an awful lot to me," she admitted shyly.

"Ryan," she said emphatically, "why would something like this change my opinion of you?"

"I don't know," she mumbled, looking oddly adolescent. "You've been so conservative with your sexual expression, I guess I worry that you'll think my experiences make me kinda...I don't know...um, maybe slutty?" she gazed down at Jamie through the long bangs that had fallen into her eyes, adding to her adolescent demeanor.

"Ryan!" she nearly shouted. "You are a totally honorable woman! I would never think any such thing about you! But I also have no desire to make you uncomfortable. Let's just drop the whole topic, okay?" she asked gently.

" 'Kay," she agreed, happy that Jamie respected her privacy. She slung her arm around her friend's shoulders and asked, "Um...I would like to talk about Tracy a little. Are up to hearing about it?"

"Yes, definitely," she said sincerely as she turned slightly and Ryan's arm dropped from her shoulder. But she was not ready to relinquish the contact so she reached over and grasped Ryan's hand. She threaded their fingers together as they walked along, hand in hand, as Ryan gathered her thoughts.

"Okay," she finally began. "I've told you that I don't want to be sexual with her until I'm sure that there will be some permanence there." She looked to Jamie for acknowledgment.

When she got it she continued, "When we first discussed this she was very much in support of that." Here she looked a bit sheepish, "But she seems to have changed the rules on me and I'm not sure what to do."

"What do you mean, 'Changed the rules'?" Jamie inquired, having a pretty good idea about this change given Tracy's behavior earlier in the day.

"Well, last night she really pushed me, and I nearly gave in. But I didn't," she said proudly. "But if I'm gonna stay focused I need to stop going to her apartment. God! She put on this little camisole and a thin silk robe when we got back from dinner. In no time at all my hands were inside that robe and she felt better than naked in just that thin, soft silk." They had been making steady progress on their walk but this thought made Ryan stand stock still for several moments. She looked positively transported by her memories and Jamie actually had to give her hand a squeeze to bring her back. "Wow!" she blushed. "I'm sorry for zoning out like that. It's just..." she mumbled as she shook her head.

"I know," Jamie said gently. "She's obviously decided that she's ready to sleep with you, Ryan. Women don't put on clothes like that just to stay cool."

"Right," Ryan nodded. Then as if she had just heard her statement she looked at her and laughed as she gently shook her head. "Well last night was bad enough, but today, I went downstairs to change. I thought she would stay upstairs, but I had my pants half off when she came down and literally threw herself at me. I had to actually fight her off!" she said with a bewildered expression. "It's hard enough to hold my own lust in check. There's no way I can keep a handle on hers at the same time!" she said rather helplessly.

"Do you want to be with her...like that?" Jamie inquired.

"Yes, ... yes, ... God, yes!" she stated with conviction. "I want her so much my teeth ache," she moaned. "I've never in my life turned down sex from someone that I wanted like this Jamie."

"So....what's the problem? She wants you, you want her...."

"I feel like I want her like I normally want women. I'm used to having sex, Jamie. A lot of sex!" she said. "I think Tracy is beautiful, and very sweet. She's smart and quick and funny. And if she makes love as good as she kisses, I bet she is tremendous in bed," she intoned solemnly.

"And those are bad things?" Jamie asked, thoroughly confused.

"No, those are good things. But I have a hard time imagining that she is the last woman in my life. I don't know if I'm in love with her," she said thoughtfully. "And since I made this pledge to her and to myself, I don't feel right about breaking it."

"I can't tell you how much I admire your self control, Ryan," she said with conviction. "I know how hard this is for you."

"I guess you probably do know, given how long you waited to be sexual with Jack," she admitted. "How did you deal with the frustration?" she moaned as she shook her dark head slowly.

"Well, besides the obvious ways of releasing pressure," she grinned, "I just knew it was the right thing for me. And to be honest, I enjoyed those days a lot more than I enjoyed actually having sex," she admitted.

Ryan stopped dead in her tracks, mouth gaping open. "You did?" she squeaked out.

"Yeah, I did," she replied as she looked down at the pavement. "I guess that should have been a clue that things weren't going well in the relationship, huh?"

"That must have been awful for you, Jamie," she said sincerely. "What do you think changed?"

"Mia tells me that this is what to expect from a lot of guys," she said with disgust. "She says that they like kissing and touching but that once you will have sex, they focus on that instead of foreplay."

"Conor always teases me that lesbian sex is all foreplay," Ryan laughed. "Obviously it's not, but I'm not sure if it would bother me that much if it was," she said thoughtfully. "There is nothing on earth that I enjoy more than kissing a woman," she closed her eyes in pleasure and Jamie felt her own close as well. "I guess that having a penis just changes the focus of sex," she ventured.

"From my limited experience I would tend to agree," Jamie said, her voice straining a bit as they climbed the aptly named Hill St. "With Jack, sex was all about intercourse and orgasm," she said. "I would just be getting into it and he'd be done."

"Ouch," said Ryan as she visibly grimaced. "You've told me about him not liking oral sex after intercourse but I guess I didn't realize how pervasive the problem was," she admitted. "Were things ever good?"

"Yes, sometimes we'd be on the same wavelength. But usually I just felt like I had to have an orgasm by the time he did or it wouldn't happen. It made me feel under pressure to finish and that just doesn't work for me."

"I don't know anyone who can finish if they're under pressure to do so," Ryan agreed. "I know it doesn't seem like it now, but maybe it's best that Jack broke it off," she said. "If you were really in love with him don't you think sex would have been great?" she asked.

"I always thought so," Jamie replied. "I've just assumed there was just something wrong with me, that I wasn't responsive enough or something."

"I rather doubt that," Ryan said with a grin. "I bet you'd be a little firecracker with the right person," she said as she slid her arm around her shoulders again.

And you're the one I want to light my fuse, she silently replied.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Ryan finally turned to her and asked, "What do you think I should I do about Tracy?"

Don't ask me that, please! she pleaded. I want you to drop her like a hot rock and kiss me until I pass out! But she stoically quieted her inner conflict and responded thoughtfully, "Tell me how you feel about her."

"I like her a lot," she replied confidently. "She's got all the attributes that I want in a woman. But there is one thing that really bothers me," she said.

"What's that?" Jamie inquired.

"I don't think she likes my family much," she said thoughtfully.

"How could that be?" Jamie asked in true surprise. "You've got the nicest family on earth!"

"Obviously, she's always been complimentary, but she has very good manners, so I would expect that. She's from a wealthy family in Los Angeles." After a beat she added, "No offense," with a little grin.

"None taken," Jamie replied with a smile.

"She doesn't speak badly about her own family, she just wouldn't do that. But I don't sense any real love there. She doesn't like to visit them and she never mentions talking to them on the phone." She shook her head, "I just can't imagine that."

"God Ryan, I just cannot imagine not loving your family. I miss them when I haven't seen them for a few days!" she laughed. "Maybe she just hasn't had enough time with them."

"No, that's not it. I've had her over for dinner at least 6 times. After it became clear that I was trying to get close to her Da encouraged me to have her over more often. She always says she's had a nice time, but she always seems to prefer getting me alone."

"I can see that would concern you, but maybe she wants to spend her time getting to know you. Maybe she thinks you'll have time later for the extended family," Jamie offered.

"You may be right," she said slowly. "But I suggested that we take the baby for the day and she was decidedly unenthusiastic."

"Well, that seems very odd. Caitlin is the most precious thing on earth. But again, maybe she just wants to be alone with you."

"Maybe," Ryan mused. "But when I talk about my desire to have children she always changes the subject or tries to distract me. The other day I asked her flat out if she wanted children and she just laughed and said she hadn't spent much time thinking about it."

"Well, she is young," Jamie reminded her. "Lots of women don't make up their minds about that until they're in their 30's."

"True. And if you both agree that's just fine. But I don't want to wait that long. Having kids is one of the biggest reasons that I want to be in a stable relationship. And I want to have them before I get terribly involved in my career. If Tracy and I are to be a couple she has to be enthusiastic about having kids in the next couple of years. And I sure don't get the idea she's on that same wavelength."

"I guess you have to be more blunt with her, Ryan. Tell her what your plans are and see if she is willing to share them. She might surprise you," she offered.

"Well, there is one other thing," Ryan added somberly. "And it's one thing that could be the deal breaker."

"What's that?" Jamie asked.

"She doesn't believe in God," she said quietly.

"Do you mean she's agnostic?" she inquired.

"Nope. She's a card carrying atheist," she replied. "I don't think I ever considered that I would require a girlfriend to have some spiritual belief, but I think I do." She added thoughtfully, "It wouldn't even bother me if she was agnostic, you know, like she didn't believe in God, but she allowed that there was a possibility of a God. But we've talked about this several times. She believes in nothing. No God, no creator, no karma, no afterlife. She thinks we're here by some cosmic accident and she thinks every bit of our energy dies and is put in a box. She has actually referred to spirituality as a 'fairy tale'."

They were approaching the crest of the hill that led them back to the Noe Valley and Jamie had to concentrate just to keep her breathing even. But the pause let her collect her thoughts for a moment. "I think I know what you mean, Ryan. My faith is so much a part of my life that I would hate to not be able to share it with someone I loved."

"Exactly!" Ryan replied. "I mean it's clear that I have issues, big issues with the Catholic Church. I go back and forth between being really connected and really disconnected. I'm in a disconnected period right now, as a matter of fact. But my belief in God as the source of love and goodness and peace is unwavering. I just don't know if I can love someone who doesn't believe in what I trust to be source of love," she said with conviction.

"I get it, Ryan, I really do. I mean, I love to go to church. It's often the highlight of my week. And I could love someone who didn't go. I could love someone with an entirely different view of the world, like a Buddhist or a Hindu. But I would hate to have my lover think I was wasting my time, or doing something foolish."

"That is precisely the problem with Tracy. It's not just that she doesn't believe, I think she equates my faith with believing in the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus. She seems to think it's kind of a cute little phase that I'll grow out of when I mature. I mean, I like her so much, but if I'm going to be committed to her we have to have a similar moral framework. My faith and my family are so integral to me, it's almost like she can't know me if she can't understand and respect that."

"It sounds to me like you've already made up your mind, Ryan," she observed.

"Yeah," she glumly replied as she let out a breath. "I suppose I have. I've just been trying to convince myself that it can work. I mean, it's hard to find everything you want in one person, and she seems so close," she said emphatically as she held her hand up and spread her thumb and index finger just a tiny bit apart.

"What will you do?"

"I guess I could tell her I'm not interested in a committed relationship and see if she just wants to play around," she replied with a leer. "Or I could just tell her I'm not ready to go any further, and stop seeing her." She gave a little scowl. "I don't like option number two, but that's probably what I'll do."

"I think you'll feel better about yourself if you do that, Ryan. Although you could tell her the total truth and see if she's open to changing her opinions," she replied.

"I think the Spanish Inquisition showed that you can't force faith on someone, Jamie," she teased.

"I don't mean that, Goofy. I mean, tell her the whole truth and see if she wants to just fool around for a while."

"I'm not certain what I'll do. But I guess she deserves total honesty for putting up with me for almost 4 months."

"That is a lot for one poor woman to bear," she laughed in response. "Gosh, we're home already!" she said as she looked up and noticed they had turned onto Noe. "That went fast."

"Yeah, it did," Ryan agreed. "But time always flies when I'm with you."

Jamie looked over at her grinning friend's guileless face and gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "You can say that again, Pal."

Ryan let her smaller friend precede her as they climbed the short flight of stairs up to the front door. When they were nearly at the top she leaned in close and whispered, "Just for the record I've been on both ends of artificial penises. As Martha Stewart would say, 'It's a good thing!' "

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When they went back downstairs, Jamie had to admit that she felt a lot better about her breakup but now she had a whole new topic setting her teeth on edge. Both ends?? What in the hell does she mean by that? she mused, unable to get the images of Ryan and art