I Found My Heart in San Francisco

Book 1: Awakenings

By: S X Meagher

Disclaimers: See Chapter 1

Feedback: I'm consumed by self-criticism; therefore only positive feedback will be read. If you enjoyed the story please stroke my fragile ego, if not, flush it from your memory bank and move on. You can email me at sx_meagher@mindspring.com

Chapter 16 (conclusion of Book 1)

Monday afternoon found Ryan patiently waiting in the gym at 4 o'clock. Jamie made light of the weekend, mentioning that she had decided to go to Hillsborough and that she had forgotten to wear her phone.

"Did you have a good time?" Ryan asked behind slightly hooded eyes.

"Yeah, pretty good," she said absently. "Hey, let's work extra hard on my legs since I didn't ride this weekend."

Ryan just nodded professionally, never asking why Jamie didn't give her prior notice that she would skip their Sunday ride. She was pretty much her normal self, but when they were done she just gazed at Jamie with an absolutely neutral expression on her face. They had been having dinner together at least 3 nights a week, usually on Monday, Wednesday and Friday after their training. But she made no mention of that as she shoved her hands in the pockets of her warm ups and continued with that penetrating gaze.

The last thing Jamie wanted to do was talk about Jack at this point so she just smiled and said, "See you Wednesday, okay?"

"Sounds good," Ryan said as her normally open face shut like a steel door.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

"I have never been so surprised by anything in my whole life!" Jamie nearly cried with elation as she recounted the events of the weekend to Anna.

"Tell me about how you felt when he made the overture," Anna urged.

"Just like I told you before," Jamie said with a touch of irritation. "I felt great! It was so validating to have him admit that he was in the wrong about so many things! It just made me feel great!"

"And you accepted his offer immediately," Anna said, stating the obvious.

"Well, yes! Why wouldn't I? He apologized for everything, Anna! I must not be making myself clear! He took away every issue that bothered me in our relationship. And he showed me in very concrete terms how willing he was to change. That's what really made me believe him."

"He didn't take away every issue, Jamie," Anna reminded her. "He didn't take away Ryan."

Jamie had to bite back a sharp retort. Anna obviously did not understand the gravity of Jack's actions but her slowness was beginning to irritate. "Anna," she said as patiently as she could, "He forced me to seek comfort and understanding from another person. I wouldn't have even noticed her if she had not been such a good listener. And I'm not accusing her of being opportunistic but I was in a really vulnerable space during all of this. She just filled a void that Jack should not have created!"

"So you believe that your attraction to women was just a reaction?" she asked with one raised eyebrow.

"I'm not attracted to women!" Jamie nearly shouted. "I was attracted to Ryan. Just Ryan. But if I can have a normal relationship there's no reason to even explore those feelings. I mean, what if Jack and I were married and I met a guy who I thought was just a tiny bit more compatible with me. I wouldn't explore that possibility. I would be committed to Jack and by its very nature that commitment precludes me from doing that. It's the same with Ryan. I might be able to have a sexual relationship with her, but how is that different from the scenario I just laid out? Just because I could love her doesn't mean I should! Besides, Ryan has never shown an ability to love one woman. I can't imagine anything worse than turning Jack down to be with her and have her find that she can't be monogamous! God, I'd kill myself!"

"Well, our time is about up, Jamie," she said as she stared directly into her eyes. "But before Wednesday I think you should spend some more time thinking about this. Your life doesn't have to come down to a decision between these two people, either. Try thinking in terms of what you want from a person rather than Jack versus Ryan. Think of your attractions in general...the men and the women that you've been attracted to."

"Well I can save the time," Jamie said confidently. "I've never been attracted to another woman. Ryan's the only temptation I've ever had. And if I can keep her as a friend I think I would have everything that I want."

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Just before she got into bed Jamie's cell phone rang. "Hello," she said as she fumbled with the flip up cover.

"Hi," Jack's deep voice replied. "I wanted to make sure I got home in time to catch you before bed. How did I do?"

"I was half in," she admitted. "So I'd say you did well. How was your day?"

"Slow...very slow in fact. I was counting the hours until Friday when you come down." He paused a second and quickly said, "God! That was presumptuous of me! Do you want to see me this weekend, Jamie?"

"Yes, of course I do," she replied.

"Okay, would you like me to come up to Berkeley? I'd be happy to."

"You would?"

"Sure. Your house is lots nicer than my apartment. I'd be happy to stay with you. I don't even know how we got into the rut of you coming down here, anyway."

"I'm not sure myself," she said slowly. "But I like to get away from my roommates for a while. So I'll come down there," she offered.

"I still don't think I can wait until Friday," he mused. "How about dinner on Wednesday?"

"Okay," she said, completely charmed by his neediness. "I'm busy until 6:30. Meet me here?"

"Deal. I'll call you tomorrow," he said decisively. "I love you, Jamie."

"I love you too, Jack." I really do, she thought as the happiness welled up in her chest.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Wednesday afternoon was a replay of Monday except that Jamie kept up a constant dialog during their session. At the end she smiled at Ryan and said, "Gotta go, don't want to be late for therapy."

But this time Ryan didn't even reply. She nodded almost imperceptibly and turned to start her own workout, leaving Jamie standing in the middle of the gym, alone.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Her frustration was at the boiling point as she unloaded on Anna. "She acts like I owe her an explanation for my whereabouts! Just because we've had dinner together quite a few times does not mean that I'm obligated to do so does it?"

But Anna recognized that this question was rhetorical so she wisely kept her opinion to herself.

"She told me clearly that if I wanted to find a man she would support me totally! But now she acts so possessive! You should have seen her, Anna. She barely made eye contact with me!"

"Tell me again what she told you when you made that overture to her."

"She told me that if I wanted to be with men all I had to do was tell her and she would understand," she said with a glower.

"You haven't upheld your end of the bargain, Jamie," she gently reminded her.

"What?"

"You haven't told her anything. You're rolling along as usual and all of a sudden you don't go on your bike ride, you don't answer your phone and you don't keep your normal dinner plans. You've told me how perceptive she is. Don't you think she knows something is going on?"

"I shouldn't have to report every little thing," she scoffed.

"Jamie, this isn't a little thing. You can obviously make your own choice but if you want to retain Ryan's trust I think you should at least tell her that you need some space. That would be much more generous than just ignoring her."

Jamie took in a deep breath as she shook her head and grumbled, "This is why I've never had many close friends. They're too much trouble!"

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Jack showed up at 7 on the dot, carrying a big paper bag that emitted a delicious aroma. "I thought you'd be tired after running around all day. I remembered that you liked that Dim Sum place down by me, so I stopped and picked up dinner."

"That is so sweet!" she cried as she tossed her arms around his neck. "Kitchen or dining room?" she asked as she led him into the kitchen to obtain plates.

"How about your room? We can be a little more casual up there."

She gave him a knowing grin but quickly acceded to his wishes.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

An hour and a half later they were sprawled across the loveseat. Her torso was on his lap with her legs spread wide, one over the back and one over the arm of the small piece, jeans and panties on the floor. His fingers were busily working away at her throbbing vulva, guided gently by her own hand. Their foreplay was so extensive that a few minutes of the soft stroking propelled her towards a very fulfilling orgasm. She had slid lower and lower on his lap and by the time she recovered her face was level with his painfully erect penis. "Can I help you with that, Mister?" she asked with a sly grin.

"Much appreciated, Ma'am," he said as he grimaced and tried to unzip. She gently pushed his hands away and took over for him, feeling bolder as she proceeded. He lifted up and she pulled his jeans and shorts down fully, then lay right back down where she had been.

She used her hands again but her mouth was so temptingly close that she could not help give him a few gentle kisses. She got a perverse thrill from his reaction, smiling broadly as his penis actually jerked rather dramatically at the sensation. The mere thought of her mouth on him was obviously arousing and he finished almost immediately, sinking back against the cushions of the loveseat, satiated and content.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

She knew that Ryan was generally free on Thursday evenings, so after her last class she paged her. It only took a few minutes for the return call. "Hi," she said rather neutrally. "What's up?"

"Can we have dinner tonight?" Jamie asked hesitantly.

"Um...let me think about that for a moment," Ryan replied. "Okay," she finally said, "I can do it."

"If it's not convenient..."

"No, I was just trying to remember what we were having since I'll have to eat it for lunch tomorrow," she said with a chuckle.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. You're worth cold pork chops. I'll be there in 15 minutes."

* * * * * * * * * * * *

"So..." Ryan said after they were seated at her favorite little Chinese restaurant on Telegraph. "Why did you want to see me?"

"Gosh, can't I just want to have dinner with you?" she asked rather sharply.

"Sure you can, you just haven't seemed to want to lately," Ryan replied as she leveled her gaze and stared right into Jamie's shifting green eyes.

"I've uh...I've just had some things to do. I didn't know we had any plans that I was breaking," she said defensively.

"We didn't," Ryan assured her as she reached over and covered her small hand with her own. "You just seem like something's bothering you and I've been concerned."

"No, nothing's bothering me," Jamie assured her. "But I do have some interesting news to report." Ryan didn't reply verbally, but her eyebrows lifted in question. "Um...I've re-established contact with Jack," she said quickly, afraid of the look she would see in Ryan's eyes. But her friend either did not have a reaction or she was very good at hiding it. Ryan just tilted her head slightly and nodded, encouraging Jamie to continue.

Ryan still held her hand while she maintained her gaze. A couple of guys, obviously students, walked by the table. The one in the lead muttered, "Dykes!" as they passed, much to the enjoyment of his friend. Jamie yanked her hand back roughly, shocking Ryan in the process. A look of quiet sorrow flashed across her handsome features, but she composed herself almost immediately without commenting on the men.

Jamie couldn't bring herself to mention it either so she jumped into her reason for the dinner. "I'm ah...not sure where this will lead but he seems very sincere about changing the things that bothered me about our relationship."

"That's encouraging," Ryan said absently as their food was delivered. She dug in immediately, savoring the spicy tastes as her attention was fully occupied. After several bites of everything she said rather flatly, "Tell me more if you want to."

But Jamie did not feel safe with her tonight. She wasn't sure if Ryan had a barrier up or if she just didn't feel comfortable but she had said all she was willing to say. "Not much else. I'll let you know how it goes."

"Do that," she said with a 10 watt smile.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

"Let me get the check, Ryan," Jamie said as she tried to tug the bill from her friend's hand when they were finished. The rest of the dinner was filled with periods of very stilted silence and Ryan slowly drove her crazy as she fixed her with a penetrating stare every time she looked up. But the dark, enigmatic woman had nearly nothing to say. Jamie had to carry the entire conversation and by the time they were done she was really ready to go home.

"Not necessary," she assured her. "Your portion is $11.26," she added after a quick glance as she pulled her neatly folded bills from her side pocket.

Jamie tossed $15.00 at her and quickly got to her feet. "Keep the rest for tip," she mumbled as she stumbled out the door, trying to stop the tears from flowing. Ryan quickly settled the bill and chased her down the street, having to grab Jamie's shoulder to slow her down.

"Jamie, please stop and talk to me," she begged. But Jamie was resolute in her determination to hide her face from her friend. No matter how Ryan approached she turned her back quickly, brushing her aside with finality.

"I tried to talk to you...that's why I asked you here tonight. I...I thought you'd be happy for me," she sniffed, still unable to face her.

Ryan came up behind her back and silently wrapped her arms around her small waist. She leaned in close and closed her eyes as she felt her stiff body start to relax into the hug. "Jamie, I am happy for you if this is what you want," Ryan whispered. "It just hurt my feelings that you've been so distant. I swear I support your decision, no matter what you choose, but I don't want to lose you as a friend. You've been avoiding me for a week and it's really hurt my feelings," she admitted. "I'm sorry that I didn't hide that better."

"You don't have to hide anything, Ryan," she tearfully assured her. She slowly turned in her embrace and rested her head on Ryan's chest. "I'm sorry," she sniffed. "I didn't mean to do that but I've just been feeling overwhelmed," she admitted.

"That's what makes me your friend," she insisted. "I want to be there for you when you feel overwhelmed. Don't shut me out, Jamie." She looked down at her with pain-infused eyes and Jamie immediately felt disgusted with herself for doing just that.

"I...I was afraid that you'd..."

Ryan gripped her chin with her fingers and tilted her head up so she had to look into her eyes. "I want you to have what you want...what you need...I am your friend, Jamie. I meant what I told you. If you want to be with men I just want you to have the man who makes you happy. If that's Jack, I say good for him." Her eyes gave credence her sincerity but there was a tiny hint of sadness that was impossible for Jamie to ignore.

She dropped her head again and nestled against Ryan's broad chest. "Thank you, " she whispered. "Thank you for being my friend."

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Friday afternoon found her once again in Anna's office, musing about her relationship with Ryan. "Thank God I was right about her," she said with relief. "She was very supportive and I really believe that she wants what's best for me."

"She has been an extraordinary friend," Anna agreed.

"Yeah, I haven't proven worthy of her a few times, but she always welcomes me back." She hesitated a moment and then told Anna, "I think I'm going to sleep with Jack this weekend."

She just nodded non-committally.

"Do you think that's a good idea?" Jamie asked.

"Hmm, do you really want me to make those decisions for you, Jamie?" she asked her seriously.

"I guess not," she replied glumly. "I just wish I knew I was doing the right thing."

"Right thing?"

"Yeah. Am I sure I want to be back with him? Should I be certain before I sleep with him? All that stuff."

"Have you tried to stay present and just let yourself feel your feelings?"

"Yeah, I think I have, but it's sometimes hard for me to stop analyzing things."

"That is hard," Anna agreed. "But it's the best advice I can give you, Jamie. Just open your heart and let your emotions guide you."

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Just to be safe she carried a box of condoms in her overnight bag. She knew she was over reacting a bit since she was still on the pill but she was not sure that Jack had not been with anyone else during their hiatus and she did not really want to know if he had, so she thought it was best to make him think the condoms were a necessity. She also had not told her parents she was coming down, reasoning that she would just go over there if she didn't feel comfortable sleeping with him.

Their dinner was a very pleasant affair. He had ordered carry outs that were waiting for her when she arrived. "I hate to see you spend your Friday evenings cooking for me," he said sweetly. "I know you have a long week too, and it just seems unfair."

"You," she said as she tapped his nose, "are making a lot of brownie points with me, Mister."

"I'm not trying to make brownie points, Jamie," he said with a sincere look on his face. "I'm just trying to be considerate."

After dinner he proposed a walk in the neighborhood or even a movie. "No, I'd rather stay in and concentrate on you fully," she said with a smile.

They relaxed together on the sofa, talking about their respective weeks. The time flew by as they sipped several glasses of cabernet, getting closer and closer until they were fully entwined. Jack placed their glasses on the coffee table and started to kiss and caress Jamie with a relentless intensity. He kissed her more and more passionately until she was squirming against his weight. "Let's go to bed," she murmured into his ear. He was on his feet in a nanosecond, tugging her up with him.

When they reached the bedroom he tenderly undressed her, slowly running his hands over each part of her body as it was revealed. "You look so awesome, Jamie," he said in a nearly reverent voice. "Your body is so firm and sleek. The muscles really make you look hot," he whispered as he nibbled her neck.

She spent a long time undressing him, gazing at his long, lean body with complete approval. She crossed the room and retrieved her bag, pulling the box of condoms from it with a flourish. "A whole box?" he said with a rakish look.

"Don't be a glutton," she chided with a toss of her head. She went into the bath and got ready for bed, stopping to stare at herself in the mirror for a moment. I want this, she said firmly to her suspicious conscience.

When Jack had finished brushing his teeth she was lying on the bed with the covers pushed back. He slid in next to her and started to kiss and touch her again. It didn't take long to yank her right back up to her previous heights of arousal and a few minutes later she whispered, "I'm ready for you, Jack."

But instead of entering her immediately he started to lightly touch her vulva just as he had at her house on Wednesday. This surprised her but it felt divine so she did not complain. Automatically her hand went to his groin and she began to touch him in a similar fashion. They began to kiss again as their hands worked away and the dual sensations caused her to be swept away to a delightful orgasm rather quickly. He followed close behind, uttering soft little moans of pleasure as he climaxed.

They rested for a brief time and she finally broke the silence when she murmured, "We didn't get to use a condom."

"No big deal," he assured her. "I had a great time."

"That was exactly what I have wanted sex to be like," she murmured slowly as she sank into a peaceful, satisfied sleep.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

He woke up on Saturday ready to go again but he very happily settled for a little manual assistance. Jamie got all of the cuddling she wanted so they both started the day in an ebullient mood. They both had studying to do so they spent the better part of the day in front of their respective books. But at around 6 he suggested they take a walk and have dinner in the neighborhood. When they returned at 9 she was beat and she found that she had no interest in sex. He accepted her choice without complaint, cuddling against her after a few chaste kisses.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Sunday was another day of surprises. "How about brunch?" he asked with a sunny smile as she woke from a nice dream.

"Brunch?"

"Sure. We can go somewhere in the neighborhood, or we could go to the club if you want to go with your parents."

"Hmm, I'd rather be with just you," she said, not mentioning that she didn't want her parents to know of the reconciliation attempt quite yet.

"Great, you pick the place and we're there."

* * * * * * * * * * * *

They had a great time together and he even let her pick up the check, smiling sedately as she whipped out her American Express card.

Heading back to his apartment they each spent a few hours reading. She had already decided that she needed to be home early to work on a paper on her computer. At around 3 she looked up to see him eyeing her hungrily. He's been such a darling, she thought to herself. Come on and make the first move. She didn't say a word as she got up from the sofa. Rather, she extended her hand and led him into the bedroom. He smiled shyly at her as she started to undress him, but he happily allowed her to continue. After he had returned the favor he picked her up and carried her the short distance to the bed.

The next 15 minutes were spent driving her absolutely wild. He placed her on her stomach and started at her heels, slowly kissing and licking and sucking every bit of skin that he could reach. She just hummed with pleasure, murmuring small words of encouragement. He rolled her over onto her back and started at the bottom again. Unable to hold back her question any longer she lifted up onto an arm and said, "Where did you learn all of this?"

He chuckled deep in his chest and released her foot from his grasp. "I...um...read some books," he said with an adorable blush that covered him from his chest to his hairline.

"You read books?" she asked in amazement.

"Yeah, that's how I learn everything else," he explained. "Why not this?"

She flopped back down on the bed and spread her arms out in surrender. "Those were some very, very good books," she murmured compliantly as he continued his quest.

He moved up her body an inch at a time, smiling at her encouraging entreaties, but not moving any faster than his current torturous pace. When he reached her breasts he worshiped them for long minutes, ignoring Jamie's small, soft moans and her invitingly spread legs.

She felt more turned on than she had ever been before, finally feeling safe to abandon some of her inhibitions and show him just exactly how she felt. He seemed to be enjoying himself just as much as she was which increased her arousal even more. But try as she might she began to grow tense as he tentatively moved between her legs and gingerly spread her lips apart. She could actually feel her heart thumping in her chest and she tried to breathe deeply to relax. But a quick glance down showed a look on Jack's face that mirrored that of an anxious father trying to assemble an intricate bike on Christmas Eve. His brow was furrowed and he looked very hesitant but he took a deep breath and moved forward.

"Oh my God!!" she cried aloud when his soft, smooth tongue glided across her aching flesh. Her legs spread even further open in an unconsciously automatic gesture. His forehead was still knotted in concentration but he began to move his head slowly, like a cat lapping milk from a saucer. How can anything that feels this good make me this anxious? she asked herself in recrimination. But she was anxious, very anxious in fact, and her anxiety was compounded by the fact that she knew this was a seminal event in their sexual relationship. She desperately wanted to be able to enjoy oral sex if she was going to be with Jack for the next 50 or 60 years but she knew that he would not have the confidence to try again if she was not receptive. But he just looked so tense and rigid lying between her legs that she fought with the instinct to just tap him on the shoulder and pull him up.

You have to concentrate on the feeling! she reminded herself over and over. The feeling is fabulous! Don't look at his face, that's throwing you off! She closed her eyes tightly and tried to concentrate fully on the sensations flooding her body but it was rough going. She realized that the only way to enjoy this experience was to shut off her conscious mind, something that she found difficult to do in the best of situations. But this act required an openness that she was not sure she possessed. She desperately tried to force herself to think of calming thoughts and experiences but something kept creeping into the corners of her mind.

Her unconscious mind knew the truth, though, and it kept reminding her that the most relaxed she ever felt was when she was with a certain dark haired beauty. She tried to keep those images out of her head but eventually she grew tired of fighting and just succumbed. Jack's rigid body was immediately replaced in her mind's eye by the long, smooth body with the soft sensual curves. His tense face gave way to the dark flowing hair, so silky and smooth as it trailed over her sensitive thighs. The dark head lifted just a touch, and those clear blue eyes, so confident and experienced, twinkled up at her as one brow lifted rakishly. The crystal blue eyes stayed locked on her own as that soft pink tongue dipped down to take another taste. A look of indescribable pleasure settled onto her beautiful features and her eyelids fluttered heavily as she dropped her head to lustily consume the tortured flesh. Suddenly, nothing existed except those few precious inches of real estate. Every sensation in her body went to and came from her vulva. Before she was even conscious of her actions she grabbed a handful of sandy blonde hair and thrust herself hard against his face, moaning deeply as her orgasm permeated every nerve and muscle in her body.

She was vaguely aware of Jack making some annoying motions as she tried to gather her composure but before she could even open her eyes his rock hard penis was poised at her lips, demanding entrance. She remembered Ryan's advice about being on top but she was too enervated to breathe, let alone manipulate him onto his back. Making the best of the situation she opened her mouth and took his latex covered member into her mouth. She fought hard to keep him shallow and after a few moments she adjusted to the odd sensation and began to actually try to think of ways to enhance his enjoyment rather than just lie there and let him control the movement. She found that the condom made the experience much more enjoyable for her since she would not have to deal with his climax. Her receptivity and his intense arousal combined to send him over the edge just a few minutes after he entered her mouth. It was strangely thrilling to feel him jerk and pulse inside her mouth, but the condom gave her a confidence that she would not have expected. His softening member remained within her and she delicately withdrew it as she gave it one last kiss. God, another minute or two and I would have come again, she mused from her satiated fog. She knew something was bothering her but she was too exhausted to think of it, instead just wrapping her arms around Jack's heavy body and drifting off into a dreamless sleep.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Soft lips nuzzled her neck and she shifted slightly to increase the sensation. Oh God, Ryan, you are so good, she mused from her sensual haze. She turned to kiss those rose tinted lips but as she turned and met Jack's twinkling eyes she nearly screamed in shock.

"What's wrong, Honey?" he asked quickly upon seeing her jerk.

"Oh, nothing, nothing," she insisted. "I was just dreaming...I must not have been fully awake." She shook her head roughly, trying to focus on who she was, where she was, and why she was in bed with Jack, since Ryan had just made love to her.

Oh shit, not this again, she moaned to herself as she became fully conscious. Why did I have to use her again? Jesus! He's doing everything I ever wanted him to do! Get out of my god damned bed, Ryan! But even though her emotions blamed Ryan she knew in her soul that it was not her fault. She couldn't help that she was gorgeous and sexy and alluring and so smooth and warm and soft when Jamie was wrapped in her strong arms. STOP IT! Just stop it right now! she ordered her mind. You're in bed with Jack and he's being the sweetest man on earth! Concentrate, damn it!

"Are you really okay, Jamie?" he asked rather tentatively, trying to connect with her far away look.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," she said as she tried to shake the image of that beautiful face from her brain. She smiled up at Jack and said shyly, "I think you sent me into another world with that orgasm."

He smiled down at her, beaming proudly at his accomplishments. "Should I send in a reader's review to Amazon.com on the books I bought?"

"Definitely," she said with a matching smile. While you're on there see if you can find me something on self-hypnosis, will ya?

* * * * * * * * * * * *

She had to head home and work on that paper. Yep, definitely time to get to work. But even though the shortest way to Berkeley from Palo Alto was straight up she found her little Porsche heading north on the 101 winding up in the Noe Valley. Her fingers automatically dialed the pager, waiting patiently for her friend to return the call. As usual it took mere minutes. "Hi," she said in a reasonable facsimile of her normal tone.

"Finished with dinner?" Jamie asked.

"Yep. I just finished being me and Brendan," she said with a chuckle, referring to their clean-up regimen.

"Any plans for tonight?" she asked as lightly as possible.

"I was going to spend the evening with a few thousand pairs of chromosomes but I could easily be persuaded to put my biology homework aside. What do you have in mind?"

"How would you like me to buy you dessert?"

"Sure. When will you be here?"

"About 30 seconds? I'm in front of your house."

"Get in here, you loon!"

* * * * * * * * * * * *

They decided to do the 'Double Rainbow Death March' as Jamie affectionately called it. The walk was not only long, it was terribly hilly, but it allowed her to gather her thoughts. They spoke of their respective weekends, and Ryan regaled her with a hilarious description of a frazzled ride leader who got over 50 people terribly lost in the Berkeley hills that afternoon. Ryan could clearly tell that something was bothering Jamie but she tried to keep the conversation light and let her go at her own pace. But by the time they reached the ice cream shop Ryan was out of interesting stories about her weekend with Caitlin and Duffy's latest exploits. They got their ice cream and started trudging back, the silence descending upon them until Jamie finally broke it.

"Can we talk about sex?"

"Uhh, sure," Ryan said carefully. "What do you want to talk about?"

"I want to talk about some pretty graphic stuff. Are you sure you're okay with that?"

"Hit me with your best shot," Ryan said with a confident smile.

"Well, you know I'm trying to work out some issues with Jack to see if we should get back together permanently." A nod urged her to continue. "Well, since one of our biggest problems is sex I decided to sleep with him this weekend." She wasn't sure but she thought she caught just a glimmer of pain flash across that beautiful face. But Ryan turned slightly and smiled at her, still not commenting. "Something really bothered me about it and I don't know who else to talk to."

"Go ahead," she urged. "I can take it."

"Okay," she said as she took a breath. "Um do you ever...ahh...fantasize while you're having sex?"

Ryan nodded just a tiny bit and said, "I think that's a very common thing for women to do. Some women do it once in a while, some do it every time. But I don't think it's necessarily anything that should concern you."

"You didn't really answer my question," Jamie said rather shyly.

"I didn't?"

"No. I asked if you ever fantasized."

"Oh...I guess you did, didn't you," she blushed. "Well, um...sure I have. I think everyone does some times."

"When do you do it?" she persisted.

"When? Like specifically when?" she asked lamely.

"This bothers you," Jamie said firmly. "We don't have to talk about it any more."

"No, no, it's not that it bothers me," Ryan admitted.