CHAPTER SEVEN
Part 2
Susan was just putting the casserole in the oven when she heard the car door slam. She glanced at the clock, then smiled with pleasure. Shawn was early. Good. Maybe she could talk her into a quick walk. Relieved that her week of forced silence was over, she grabbed a dishtowel and went to the front door to meet Shawn.
But it was not Shawn who stared back at her through the window. It was Ruth, with Mother in tow.
"My God, what have you done?"
Susan stared blankly at Ruth, then Mother.
"Your hair," Ruth pointed. "What have you done?"
"Oh." Susan fingered her now short locks. She self-consciously tucked a stray curl behind her ear and forced herself to smile at Ruth. "I felt like a change."
"Change? You look eighteen," Ruth snapped.
"Why thank you very much. I was only aiming for twenty-five," Susan shot back.
"Girls," Mother warned.
She brushed past Ruth and grasped both of Susan’s arms. "I think your hair looks very nice, dear. It reminds me of when you were young."
"Thanks," she murmured.
"Of course, if you used a blow dryer and curling iron, you could get rid of those childish curls."
"If I wanted to use a blow dryer and curling iron, I could have left it the way it was." Susan wasn’t going to let her mother get in the last word and was rewarded with a curt nod from her.
"Well, I’ll have a scotch, dear," her mother said, ending their conversation on the haircut.
Susan started to walk toward the kitchen then stopped and turned, hands on hips.
"Wait a minute. What are you doing here?" she finally asked.
"We came to talk some sense into you, of course," Ruth explained. She tossed her sweater onto the sofa and settled down on one end. "I’ll have wine."
"Look, I’m not really in the mood for company yet. I’ve been enjoying my time," Susan said weakly. "And I really don’t want to talk about Dave."
"Of course you need to talk about it."
"Ruth, I didn’t invite you here." She raised her hands and shrugged. "I’m okay, really," she said, trying to soften her words.
"Okay? You call this okay? You’re getting so thin, you don’t even look healthy. And you’ve abandoned your husband, ignored your friends and family and you say . . .."
"Abandoned?" Susan’s voice raised an octave as she cut Ruth off. "I escaped," she hissed.
"Don’t you think you’ve punished him enough?"
"Oh, Ruth, don’t start with that." Susan shook her head, heading into the kitchen for their drinks. She wanted something much stronger than wine. She stood in the kitchen, her hands shaking with anger. How dare they come here and speak to her like that? As if she was the one in the wrong. Where were their consoling words? Their compassion for a wife who had been cheated on?
She wanted to scream in frustration and pound the counter top with her fists. But instead, she walked to the back door and stared into the forest, counting silently to ten as she calmed herself. This was so like them. Nothing out of the ordinary, really. In fact, both Ruth and Mother had made a habit of popping over unannounced several times a week. She didn’t know why it surprised her that they had driven up the mountain now.
She took out the bottle of wine she had chilling for dinner and poured two glasses. She sighed. She had so been looking forward to a quiet evening with Shawn. She was anxious to see her reaction to her haircut and Susan wanted to show off the new clothes she had bought. She had splurged on a couple of pairs new jeans and two sweaters and even dared to buy a pair of hiking boots, much like Shawn wore.
"Susan?"
"I’m coming, Mother." Susan motioned with her head to the bottle of scotch. "Help yourself."
Susan silently handed Ruth the wine, then drank nearly all of hers in one gulp.
"Do you know what the wives are saying at the Country Club?"
"I don’t really care, Ruth."
"Obviously you don’t. But they’re saying that you’re having your own affair. Why else would you stay away?"
"Yes, why indeed?"
"What is wrong with you?" Ruth demanded. "Are you having an affair?"
"Of course not!" Susan spat. "I was angry, Ruth. I wanted to get away from him. I wanted to be by myself."
"Well, you’ve had time. You need to get back, get on with your life."
"I’m not ready to go back, Ruth."
Susan walked to the window and stared out, wishing she had the nerve to tell Ruth to mind her own business, wishing she had the nerve to send them right back down the mountain.
"Susan, men do this sort of thing," Ruth said quietly. "What do we really know about it? Men are different."
Susan twirled around, her blue eyes piercing Ruth. "How dare you take up for him? I walked into my house, into my bedroom and found them in my bed," she whispered, her fingers pounding her chest with each word. "I didn’t just find them in bed, Ruth. I found them . . . in the act." She turned away from Ruth, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. "In my bed," she repeated.
"I’m sorry."
"Yeah, well, thanks." Susan gave Ruth a sarcastic smile. "I really appreciate the sincerity of that."
"What do you want me to say? He made a mistake, I agree. But you can’t throw away a twenty-year marriage, your family and friends, the Country Club, just to hide up here. People are talking."
"The Country Club? You really don’t have a clue, do you?"
"What are you talking about?"
"This is about me, Ruth," Susan said, tapping her chest. "Me. I don’t care about the damn Country Club. I don’t care about Dave. I have to take care of myself for once."
Ruth stared at her, eyes wide, until Susan turned away.
"I listen to you talk and it’s like I don’t even know you, Susan."
Susan nodded. "You’re right. I feel like I’m just getting to know myself, actually. And I think I like myself better every day."
"I think you need professional help," Ruth suggested stiffly. "Of course, not in Fresno. You’ll need to go to San Francisco."
"Yes, we wouldn’t want anyone to talk."
"Susan, I’m serious."
"Why are you here, Ruth? Surely, you didn’t come all the way up here just to lecture to me?" She motioned to the kitchen. "With Mother, no less."
"We’re worried about you, Susan."
"Bullshit," Susan said quietly. "You’re worried what people are thinking and Mother’s only concerned about what time she can start drinking."
They both looked up as the kitchen door swung open and Mother walked out with wine bottle in one hand and a full glass of scotch in the other.
"I thought you might need a refill."
Susan sighed and held her glass out. "I suppose you’ll be staying the night."
"We haven’t seen you in a month, dear. Ruth and I thought we would stay the weekend with you."
Susan nodded. Great. The whole weekend spent talking about how silly she was to be hiding up here. How she was going to lose her wonderful marriage if she didn’t go back.
She looked up with relief when she heard the truck door slam. Shawn. Finally. She had half expected her not to stop when she found another car in the driveway.
"Are you expecting company?" Ruth asked, stretching her neck to see out the windows.
"Yes. Shawn. A friend," Susan explained, hurrying out the door.
She found Shawn still standing beside her truck, a hesitant look on her face, but she smiled when Susan reached her.
"Look at you! It’s looks great." Shawn reached out casually ruffled Susan’s hair. "Do you like it?"
"Oh, yes," Susan smiled. "Definitely wash and wear. I now have an extra forty-five minutes after a shower." After the last hour with Ruth, Shawn’s smiling eyes looked like heaven and Susan only barely resisted the urge to hug Shawn.
Shawn motioned to the house. "Someone send the troops?"
"Ruth and Mother are here, trying to talk some sense into me," Susan explained as she reached down to pet Alex, who was rubbing against her leg.
Shawn nodded. "I understand. I won’t bother you with dinner, then."
"You’re not leaving," Susan insisted.
"This is family stuff. I shouldn’t be here."
"Don’t be silly." Susan grabbed Shawn’s arm and lowered her voice. "They’ve tortured me for an hour. Don’t think I’m letting you out of here that easily."
Susan’s voice was teasing but Shawn saw the anguish in her eyes. She nodded again. "Okay, but you owe me."
"Yes and I’ll pay you double if you have a beer back there," Susan said, looking around Shawn to the back of the truck.
"Of course." Shawn raised a teasing eyebrow to Susan. "But is it safe for you to be seen drinking beer?"
"Yes. Country Club rules don’t apply up here."
"Thank God."
Shawn twisted the tops off of their beer and they touched bottles with a light salute before drinking.
"Ahhh," Susan sighed. "Thank you." Then she lowered her voice again. "I’m afraid I’ve already tapped into our dinner wine."
"It’s okay. I don’t expect a fancy dinner." Then Shawn motioned to the cabin. "Do they?"
Susan smiled at Shawn, amazed at how quickly Shawn had put her at ease. She felt in control again. She felt like she could face Ruth now without being on the defensive.
"I’ve already done a lifetime of fancy dinners for Dave’s clients. I think I’m done," Susan stated. "Come on. I’ll introduce you."
Shawn hesitated and turned worried eyes to Susan.
Susan smiled reassuringly and touched her arm. "Don’t worry. They won’t bite." I hope, she added silently.
When Susan opened the front door, Alex walked in without a care and they both heard the gasp from Ruth. Identical smiles touched their mouths, then eyes before Shawn called Alex back.
"That was Alex," Susan explained to Ruth. She tugged Shawn in after her and motioned with her hands to Ruth and Mother. "My sister Ruth and my mother, Gayle." Another nervous wave of her hand slapped Shawn in the arm. "This is Shawn."
Shawn walked into the living room, hand extended to Ruth, who politely gave it a gentle squeeze. Gayle’s handshake was a little firmer, although just as brief.
"Nice to meet both of you." Shawn was met with an icy stare from Ruth and simple indifference from Gayle.
"Shawn is staying for dinner." Susan felt compelled to start the conversation, although she had no topic in mind and she looked frantically to Shawn for help.
"A beer, Susan?" Ruth’s voice dripped with sarcasm. "My, you have come down a notch or two."
Susan felt Shawn stiffen beside her and quickly turned to Ruth and gave her a short laugh. "Actually, I find beer quite refreshing." Her eyes found Shawn and gave a silent apology.
"Shawn, how do you happen to know our Susan?" Gayle asked.
"I suppose you own one of the cabins here," Ruth offered.
"Afraid not," Shawn shrugged. "I own a tent though."
Susan covered the grin on her face with her hand, silently watching this exchange.
"A tent?"
"For camping," Shawn explained. "I come up on weekends."
"And sleep in a tent?" Gayle asked slowly.
"Yeah."
Susan drank from her beer, surprised to find that Shawn seemed to be enjoying baiting Ruth and Mother.
"And you know Susan how?" Ruth asked.
"Ruth, Shawn and I met out on one of the trails," Susan finally spoke, ignoring Ruth’s eyebrows as they shot to the ceiling. "Well, Alex introduced us." She and Shawn shared a smile and Susan desperately wished that Ruth and Mother were not here. She didn’t realize how much she had been looking forward to Shawn’s company and she was disappointed that they wouldn’t have any time alone.
"Out on the trails?" Ruth repeated. "So you’ve only known Shawn since you’ve been . . . vacationing?"
"Is that what you’re doing?" Shawn was unable to keep her mouth from lifting in a smile when she glanced at Susan.
"Vacation from my marriage, maybe."
"Susan! I can’t believe you are taking this so lightly." Ruth looked pointedly at Shawn. "And this is nothing that needs to be discussed in front of strangers."
"Shawn is not a stranger, Ruth. She knows all about David and his sordid affair."
Ruth shook her head. "I won’t discuss this with you now."
"Good. I’m not really in the mood, anyway." Susan glanced helplessly at Shawn whose warm eyes were sympathetic and friendly. She should never have made Shawn stay for dinner. It was torture enough for her. Why should she put Shawn through it?
"Shawn, why don’t you sit down?" Gayle offered.
She patted the sofa next to her and Shawn reluctantly moved to join her.
"Now, tell me about yourself. What do you do for a living?"
"Ah, well . . .," she began, her eyes darting quickly to Susan. She felt Ruth’s eyes on her, taking in her faded jeans and wrinkled T-shirt and Shawn shifted uneasily.
Both Gayle and Ruth eyed her suspiciously.
"You do work?" Ruth finally asked. "You don’t look like a housewife."
"Do you have a husband, Shawn?" Gayle asked.
Susan had had enough of the questioning and finally intervened. "Shawn spends most of her time at the Women’s Center. She’s a volunteer there."
"The Shelter?" Ruth asked, not bothering to hide the disgust in her voice. "Mostly drunken women who have been beaten up by their equally drunken husbands. It’s their own fault to begin with. I can’t believe you actually volunteer at a place like that."
Susan expected an immediate protest from Shawn, but was surprised by the half-smile on her face.
"Sadly, there are those," Shawn agreed. "There’s also a lot of innocent children involved and very young women who don’t know how tohandle an abusive husband. Then there’s the women who’ve been married fifteen, twenty years and their husbands turn into strangers and start beating them for no apparent reason."
Ruth had the good grace to flush slightly as Shawn’s voice softened but Susan wanted to throttle Ruth anyway. The buzzer on the oven sounded, saving Ruth.
"Dinner," Susan stated. "Let me get the table ready."
"I’ll help." Shawn was on her feet before Susan could protest.
When the kitchen door swung shut, they both let out heavy sighs.
"I’m so sorry," Susan began.
"It’s not your fault. They’re just . . . very uptight."
"You think so?" Susan pulled the casserole from the oven as Shawn took down plates. They easily sidestepped each other as they set the table, Shawn adding the finishing touch by lighting the two candles.
"You owe me big time for this, by the way."
Susan looked up, but Shawn’s eyes were teasing. She relaxed and shoved Shawn away with a quick bump of her hip.
"We still have to get through dinner," Susan warned. But she shouldn’t have worried. Neither Ruth nor Mother was too impressed with her vegetarian casserole. Even Shawn declined seconds, although a look at her clean plate told Susan it was not because she didn’t like the dinner.
When Shawn brought her plate to the sink, Susan whispered, "Don’t you dare offer to do dishes!"
"No. And I really hate to eat and run, but I’ve got to get going. If Alex doesn’t get his walk in, he’ll be up all night."
"Uh-huh, right." Susan grinned at Shawn’s attempt of an excuse. "Well, let me walk you out."
After quick good-byes to Ruth and Gayle, they escaped out the back door and both let out a collective sigh of relief.
"What a pleasant meal," Susan said sarcastically.
"Yes. Stimulating conversation, too."
"I’m so sorry I put you through this."
"Don’t apologize. It’s over and we survived." Shawn reached inside her truck for her cigarettes. "Want one?"
"Better not." But Susan looking longingly at the one hanging from Shawn’s mouth.
"Share?"
"Do you mind?" Susan asked, already reaching for the lit cigarette.
Shawn crossed her arms and leaned against the truck, watching Susan. She seemed so different from the woman Shawn had met only a few weeks ago. Not only her new haircut, but also the way she carried herself, that streak of defiance in her eyes.
"Oh, I had forgotten what a stress relief smoking could be." Susan handed the cigarette back to Shawn and watched as she put it between her lips.
"Well, if you’re planning on spending the weekend with them, maybe I should leave you a few." Shawn handed the cigarette back to Susan. "They are staying the weekend?"
Susan nodded. "Probably until Sunday."
"Lucky you."
"You could come by tomorrow for breakfast? Or lunch?"
Shawn laughed. "Don’t push your luck."
"What about Sunday?" Susan asked hopefully.
Shawn shook her head. "I need to get back early. I’ve neglected my yard enough."
Susan nodded and watched as Shawn and Alex fought over the seat. She felt cheated, she realized. She had been looking forward to spending the weekend with Shawn and instead, she was stuck with Ruth and Mother.
"Hey," Shawn called from the road. "Love your hair."
Susan grinned and waved goodbye, then forced her feet to carry her back inside. She didn’t have to wait long for Ruth’s interrogation.
"Where in the world did you find her?"
"I told you, out on the trails." Susan walked past Ruth and into the kitchen, immediately pouring herself a scotch. She took a deep breath and waited for Ruth to continue.
"Oh, Susan, you just can’t invite strangers into your home. You never know what kind of people are out there. And she sleeps in a tent, for God’s sake!"
"That’s what people do when they come up here to go camping, Ruth. They sleep in a tent." Susan turned on the water to rinse the dinner dishes, hoping Ruth would tire of this conversation and leave.
"Does she even have a job? My goodness, and the Shelter. Do you know what kind a people are at the Shelter? What can you possibly have in common with that woman?" Ruth demanded.
Susan turned to face Ruth and frowned. What did she and Shawn have in common? Nothing, really. Nothing she could put her finger on, anyway. They just enjoyed each other’s company.
"We’ve become friends, Ruth. She’s someone I can talk to."
"Talk to? I can’t believe you told a complete stranger about your marriage. Have you no shame?"
Susan turned quickly, unmindful of her soapy hands. "Shame? My husband was fucking a twenty year old girl in my bed."
"Susan!"
"Oh, Ruth, just get over it." Susan went back to her dishes, long weary of this conversation.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Shawn tossed another stick into the fire, then leaned back in her chair. She felt restless. And Alex was no help. He had energy to burn and even in the dark, he wanted her to throw his tennis ball. She picked up the ball, now wet with dog slobber, and tossed it for him yet again.
She looked at the three empty beer bottles beside her chair and reached for the crumpled pack of cigarettes. She didn’t really know what was the matter with her. She normally enjoyed this quiet time by the fire, far away from the stress of her life.
It was Susan, she admitted. She kept wondering what Susan was doing, whether Ruth had her cornered or not. Shawn was surprised at how quickly she and Susan had become friends. She didn’t have a lot of them. A few in San Francisco, a handful in Fresno. That was it. Shawn knew it was her fault. She rarely let people get close to her.
But Susan was different. She had seemed so desperate that first day that Shawn’s training from the Women’s Center had taken over. She had simply wanted to help. She hadn’t thought that Susan would actually want . . . or need her as a friend. Or that she would come to think of Susan as a friend. A friend she looked forward to seeing on weekends.
Maybe that was why she was so restless now. They had hardly had a chance to talk and she didn’t realize how quickly she had gotten used to Susan being around.
Alex finally settled down, tennis ball tucked securely between his paws, and Shawn tossed the rest of her cigarette into the fire. Maybe she would hike into the backcountry tomorrow. A nice, long hike where she could let her mind wander. Then head back down the mountain. No sense hanging around until Sunday, she thought.
CHAPTER NINE
Susan finally stopped her pacing and accepted that Shawn was not going to show. She had not talked to her since last Friday at dinner and now she wished she had given in and called her. Lisa was coming tomorrow and Susan was anxious for them to meet.
Susan spent the rest of her Friday cleaning the already spotless cabin and eating her solitary meal at the bar. She had been tempted to drive to Shawn’s normal camping spot, but she didn’t know what she would do if Shawn were there. Which would simply mean that Shawn didn’t want Susan’s company tonight and had stayed away. Susan preferred to think that Shawn just hadn’t made it up the mountain yet.
Her loneliness eased somewhat when she curled into a corner of the sofa, pulled the blanket over her legs, and started on one of the trashy novels she had bought that week. But she found her thoughts drifting to Dave, Lisa and even Ruth. And Shawn. She didn’t understand her need for this friendship she had formed with Shawn, but it was there. She sat up, suddenly realizing that there was no other friendship in her life. Not really. The wives at the Country Club could hardly be called good friends, even though she had known most of them since she had been married. And Ruth? She shook her head. No, she wouldn’t call what she had with Ruth friendship.
She closed the book, wondering at her isolation. Hadn’t she missed having a close friendship with another woman? And how was it that she was just now noticing how empty her life had been?
She couldn’t fight off the depression any longer and her shoulders heaved only once before the tears came. She wept silently, hands covering her face as tears flowed between her fingers.
***************
"Alex, give me a break." Shawn kicked the tennis ball away as she tried once more to lay out the tent. But Alex was persistent. The dirty tennis ball once again found its way on top of the tent. "All right, already." She dropped the tent and rain cover, picked up the ball, and threw it into the forest. She quickly assembled tent poles and in-between throwing the ball to Alex, finally managed to get the tent up.
It was still early and she craved another cup of coffee. She had left Fresno before dawn and had stopped for a bagel and coffee on the way out of town. That was two hours ago. She wondered if Susan was an early riser. She could always go bum a cup of coffee from her.
Actually, it was as good an excuse as any. She was relieved to find only Susan’s car at the cabin. She raised her hand to knock, then saw Susan sitting on the sofa in the dark, apparently lost in thought. Shawn watched her for a moment, then Susan turned, as if sensing her presence.
When Susan opened the door, Shawn noticed the red, puffy eyes immediately.
"What’s wrong?"
Susan saw concern and compassion in Shawn’s eyes and she smiled wearily, drawing Shawn into the room.
"Nothing. Just a night of feeling sorry for myself."
Shawn followed her into the kitchen and accepted the coffee she had yet to ask for. They stood there quietly, both watching the other.
"I missed you." Susan finally broke the silence.
"Yeah?"
Susan smiled. "Yeah."
"I worked late," Shawn explained. "I hate trying to put the tent up in the dark, so I just drove up early this morning."
"You could have stayed here at the cabin, you know."
Shawn reached out and touched under Susan’s eye. "Why have you been crying?"
Susan turned away, embarrassed.
"You can tell me," Shawn urged.
Susan turned back around and found warm, gentle eyes on her. "I was feeling lost and alone . . . and depressed."
"Why didn’t you call me? I would have come up."
Susan folded her arms across her chest. "It’s hardly your responsibility to be here for me."
"Susan, that’s what friends do. They come when they’re needed."
Susan couldn’t stop the tears that formed in her eyes and she didn’t try to hide them. "And here I was thinking I didn’t have a friend in the world."
Shawn put strong arms around Susan and drew her close. Susan hesitated only a brief second before relaxing completely in the younger woman’s embrace.
"PMS," Susan explained. "My emotions are all over the place." Susan finally pulled out of Shawn’s arms. "Don’t you think it’s odd? With us, I mean."
"Odd?" Shawn asked.
"This friendship that we seem to have found. I mean, we’re so different, different backgrounds, different lifestyles. Yet I feel like I’ve known you for years."
"That’s just packaging," Shawn said. "Once you take all the wrappings off, we’re just two people, stripped of our protective barriers." Shawn walked to the sink and rinsed her cup. "But I know what you mean. If we had met on the street in Fresno, I doubt we would have given each other a second glance."
Susan nodded, knowing perfectly well that Shawn was right. "I’m really glad you’re here."
"Me, too."
Susan pushed off the counter, trying to shake her dark mood. "Lisa’s coming up today. I really want you to meet her."
"I’ll look forward to it. And how did it go last weekend?"
Susan laughed. "They’re both convinced I’ve lost my mind. Have you had breakfast?"
"Yes. Has David called you?"
"Per Ruth, he’s giving me my space. Presumably until I come to my senses."
Shawn watched as Susan fidgeted with the dishtowel in her hands. "Have you decided anything?"
"I’ve decided that I’m a coward," Susan said wearily.
"You’re not a coward, Susan."
"Then I should be able to call him up and tell him that I want a divorce."
"Is that what you want?"
"I don’t know."
"Are you scared of being alone?"
Susan shrugged. Was she?
"Susan, don’t run from this. It’s not just going to go away."
Susan looked up and met her eyes. "Why do I get the impression that you’re practicing your counseling techniques?"
"Sorry. I didn’t realize I was."
"I need a friend, Shawn. I don’t need a goddamned therapist." Susan regretted her words as soon as she said them. Shawn veiled her eyes, but not before Susan saw the hurt there. She silently cursed herself and the hormones that were running wild. PMS was always an excuse for being a bitch.
Their eyes met again and Susan’s begged to be forgiven. "I’m sorry," she whispered. "That wasn’t fair. I know you’re trying to help."
Shawn nodded but it was a long moment later before her eyes softened.
"I’ve got to get going, anyway. Alex has abundant energy this morning."
Susan wanted to beg her not to go, but Shawn was already at the back door.
"Shawn?"
"I’ll see you later, Susan. I’m going to take Alex out for a hike."
Before tears could well up again, Susan hurried into the bathroom and stripped off her clothes. Standing under the hot spray, she tried to understand why she had lashed out at Shawn for no apparent reason.
But she knew, didn’t she? She wanted to hide up here. She wanted to run from her life. And she knew that Shawn wouldn’t let her. But she was scared. And she had every right to be, she told herself. What did she know about living on her own? Shawn had been doing it since she was a kid, but Susan had always been taken care of by someone else. And she didn’t know what she was going to do.
***************
Shawn followed Alex along the trail, trying in vain to forget about Susan. She was angrier with herself than she was with Susan. Susan was scared, she knew that and Shawn had no right to push her. Susan would eventually have to make a decision . . . or David would make it for her. Maybe that was what Susan was afraid of, that David would make yet another decision that would affect the rest of her life.
She stopped to let Alex swim and she took a long drink of water from her flask. It was a warm day and she wiped the sweat from her brow with the back of her hand. If she was to meet Lisa today, she supposed she would have to shower and be somewhat presentable. She hoped the ranger station had their showers opened. If not, a sponge bath would have to do.
CHAPTER TEN
"Mom! You look great!"
Susan returned Lisa’s hug enthusiastically. "I’m so happy to see you."
"Your hair! Why didn’t you tell me?" Lisa demanded.
"I wanted to surprise you."
"Aunt Ruth’s gonna shit a brick when she sees you," Lisa said with a laugh.
"She’s already shit one, I’m afraid. She and Grandma were up here last weekend." Susan carried Lisa’s bag in one hand and wrapped her other arm around her daughter’s shoulders. "You’re getting taller."
Lisa laughed. "You haven’t seen me in a month. Besides, I think I’m past the growing stage."
Susan tossed Lisa’s bag on the sofa before going through the kitchen and onto the deck. Lisa raised her arms to the sky and took a deep breath.
"I had forgotten how beautiful it was up here." She pointed to the pot of geraniums that Susan had put out. "Getting domestic on me, Mom?"
"Do you think it’s too late for me?"
Lisa put her hands on her hips and studied her mother. "Better than having the yard man come and do the flowers, isn’t it?"
"I suppose." Susan watched as Lisa studied her.
"Are you okay, Mom?"
"I’m much better than I was a month ago." Then she smiled. "Actually, I feel great. Despite what your Aunt Ruth thinks."
"And what does Aunt Ruth think? That you should go crawling back and beg for forgiveness?"
"Something like that." Susan smiled at her daughter. "When did you get so grown up?"
Lisa gave her mother a lopsided grin. "Please. I’m nearly twenty."
"Yes. Practically ancient," Susan murmured. "Do you want some iced tea?"
"Herbal?"
Susan rolled her eyes. "Herbal?"
"Is it at least decaf?"
"Since when have you been concerned with your health?"
"I’m getting older. I have to take care of myself."
Susan laughed at Lisa’s obvious seriousness. "Well, it’s not decaf. Hopefully this one time won’t hurt you." At the kitchen door, she turned back to Lisa. "You haven’t become vegetarian, have you?"
"No. I’m saving that for my thirties."
"Good. Because we’re having steak for dinner. I’ve invited a friend, too."
"A friend?" Lisa hurried after her mother. "Like a guy friend?"
"No. Like a girl friend."
"Really?"
"Yes, really. What’s wrong with that?"
"Nothing. I just don’t remember you ever doing something with a friend, other than, you know, the group doing the wine-tasting thing."
"You’re right. And she’s definitely not from that group. I met her up here, actually."
Lisa laughed. "Now you’re picking up strangers. What would Aunt Ruth think?"
Susan grinned. "She met her last weekend." She handed Lisa the glass of tea. "What?"
"You’ve changed."
Susan sighed. "Yes, I suppose I have."
"I meant that in a good way, Mom. You seem . . . younger. I’m afraid to say it, but happier, too."
Susan felt relieved. She had half-expected Lisa to echo Ruth’s feelings. That she had changed so much, she didn’t even know her.
"Thanks. Ruth says I’ve changed too much."
"Oh, shit, what does Aunt Ruth know?"
Susan grinned. "Two years ago you wouldn’t have dared to use that word in front of me."
"Two years ago I was a kid."
Susan laughed. "Oh, yeah, I forgot. You’re all grown up now."
*************
Shawn sat in her truck with the heater on, huddled in sweats. The showers were indeed unlocked and open. They failed to warn her that there was no hot water, however. Alex stood beside the door, a frown on his face as he watched her through the window.
"I’m cold," she said and he cocked his head. "Don’t act like you understand."
He whined once, then lay down, still watching her.
She brushed her damp hair, then got out to finish dressing, hopping on one foot as she tried to put socks on.
"What are you looking at?" she asked Alex. She needed to hurry. It was after three and she knew Susan would be looking for her. She only hoped Susan’s mood had gotten better since that morning.
She traded her sweatpants for clean jeans and slipped into her worn Nikes. She still could not chase the chill away and made Alex suffer with the heater as she drove to Susan’s cabin.
"All right, already," she mumbled as Alex climbed over her lap when she stopped.
She followed Alex around to the back and found Susan and Lisa on the deck.
"Shawn."
Their eyes met and they both were surprised at what was conveyed by a single glance. You came. Did you think I wouldn’t? I’m sorry about earlier. Don’t worry about it.
Shawn pulled her eyes away and turned to Lisa. "I’m Shawn Weber. Nice to meet you."
Lisa extended her hand and gripped Shawn’s firmly. "Lisa Sterling. Always nice to meet Mom’s new friends."
"Lisa!"
Shawn and Lisa laughed.
"Well, it is, although Shawn doesn’t seem like your usual snooty Country Club type."
Shawn grinned. "Definitely not Country Club material." She raised her eyebrows at Susan. "Beer?"
"Please."
"Lisa? You want a beer?"
"Oh, I don’t think she drinks . . .." Susan started, but Lisa quickly interrupted her.
"I’d love one."
"You would?" Susan stared at her daughter. "Since when?"
"Oh, Mom, please. I’m nearly twenty."
Shawn left them to argue. Lisa was not at all what she expected. There were no fancy clothes and makeup, no evidence of her Country Club upbringing. She favored Susan, although her hair was much darker, long and straight.
Shawn stopped and frowned, then shook her head. No, surely not. So Lisa dressed like a tomboy? Lots of girls did. And no makeup? Well, not every twenty-year-old was into makeup. But still, there was something there, something in her eyes when she’d looked at Shawn.
Shawn shrugged it off. She was over-reacting. She pulled three beers from the ice walked back, letting the issue drop. It wasn’t any of her business anyway.
"Here you go," Shawn said, handing first Lisa, then Susan a beer.
"Mom says you’ve met Aunt Ruth." Lisa smiled, showing even, white teeth. "That must have been exciting."
Shawn laughed. "Yes. I haven’t gotten over it yet."
"And neither has Ruth," Susan said.
Shawn scooted her chair next to Susan’s and asked quietly, "Are you in a better mood?"
"I’m fine," Susan whispered, her eyes telling Shawn not to bring it up in front of Lisa.
Shawn nodded and relaxed into her chair, crossing one ankle against her knee. She looked up, surprised to find Lisa’s eyes on her. She met the young woman’s gaze, her eyes asking Shawn all the questions she dared not, but Alex interrupted, laying a brand new tennis ball in Shawn’s lap.
"Where did you find this?" she demanded.
"I bought a can for him," Susan confessed.
Shawn just shook her head and threw the ball into the forest. "Next thing you know, you’ll be picking up dog treats for him."
Susan looked away guiltily, but not before Shawn saw the smirk on her face.
"What did you get?"
"Rawhides."
"Susan, he’s spoiled rotten."
"Not my fault, I assure you."
"I didn’t know you liked dogs, Mom." But Lisa’s eyes were on Shawn.
"Well, Alex doesn’t really know he’s a dog," Susan explained.
"And how long have you known . . . Alex?"
Susan’s eyes met Shawn’s, not Lisa’s. "A month?"
Shawn nodded, her eyes flicking to Lisa.
"Shawn probably regrets the day," Susan said to Lisa. "Let me get the charcoal going. You two visit."
Shawn watched Susan until she disappeared into the kitchen, then turned her eyes to Lisa.
"You smoke?"
"Depends."
Shawn put two cigarettes in her mouth and lit them, handing one to Lisa without looking.
"You’re wondering about me and your mother, aren’t you?" Shawn finally asked.
"Yeah." Lisa leaned forward, elbows resting on her knees as she lightly held the cigarette. "Does she know?"
"Know?"
"That you’re gay," Lisa whispered, glancing quickly toward the door.
"Oh. Well, yeah, she knows," Shawn said easily.
"Really?"
"Really."
"Cool."
"Cool?"
"Well, not too many mothers hang with lesbians, you know."
**************
Susan watched from the kitchen, her gasp stifled by her hand when Shawn handed Lisa a cigarette.
At least they’re talking, she thought. And smoking and drinking beer.
"I’m a horrible mother," she murmured.
She walked out with the bag of charcoal, noting that the conversation immediately stopped.
"Steak okay, Shawn?"
"Of course."
Susan went back inside, then turned, noting that the conversation had picked up again. She frowned. What could they possibly be discussing that they needed privacy?
****************
"I have some gay friends."
"Yeah?"
"A few," Lisa said. She leaned forward again and spoke softly. "How did you know . . . that you were gay?"
"Well, all those things you were told you’d feel when you fell in love, I felt them with girls, not guys." Shawn shrugged. "It was easier for me than most. I didn’t fight it. I didn’t freak out or anything. And I didn’t have a real close family. It wasn’t like I was trying to hide it from my parents. I didn’t think they’d care one way or the other." They had their own problems, she added silently.
"Yeah, but weren’t you an outcast? I mean, that must have been ages ago."
Shawn laughed. "I’m only thirty-three. It wasn’t that long ago, although I know things have changed. Your generation apparently doesn’t find the need to hide it like most of my friends did back then."
"I guess. Some don’t, anyway."
"Are your friends out?" Shawn watched Lisa’s eyes flick away in embarrassment.
"One is," she said. "We’ve become friends."
Shawn nodded. She’d been around enough people struggling with secrets to know that Lisa needed to talk. However, she wasn’t certain how to approach the subject with her. Lisa would probably be afraid that Shawn would say something to her mother. She would never confide in Shawn if she were afraid.
"Lisa?"
Shawn met troubled eyes, but Susan came back out and Lisa quickly looked away.
"I hate to even bring this up," Susan started. "But have you talked to your father?"
Lisa made such a sour face that Shawn nearly laughed. She turned to Alex instead, trying to give them privacy.
"He’s called a couple of times. Wanted to know if I’ve talked to you, wanted to know if I can ever forgive him." Lisa then glanced at Shawn. "I guess she knows about all this?"
Susan smiled warmly at Shawn and briefly touched her arm. "Yes. Shawn knows everything."
"Well, I told him that I was mad that he hurt you, but really, this is between the two of you. But Mom, it’s weird, you know? It’s like he wants us to forget that he did this, that you found them in your bed, and for things to be like they were. I mean, what is he thinking?"
"He’s a man," Shawn muttered, before she could stop herself. They both turned to stare at her and she shrugged. "Sorry."
But Susan’s eyes were swimming with amusement. "Scum of the earth?"
Shawn grinned. "Don’t get me started."
Susan turned back to Lisa and gave her hand a squeeze. "I know what you’re saying, honey. But what’s worse, your Aunt Ruth thinks I should just ignore this, too."
"Aunt Ruth lives in another world. She and Uncle Franklin probably haven’t had sex in years. At least, not with each other."
"Lisa!"
"Have you ever once seen them touch each other? Besides that, when’s the last time you’ve actually seen them together?"
"Ruth seemed to be extremely unhappy," Shawn added.
Susan waved her away. "Ruth always looks unhappy."
"Maybe it’s because her marriage sucks."
"Lisa!"
"How do you think she feels? Here you are, living up here alone, you go and cut your hair and buy new clothes . . .."
"You bought new clothes?" Shawn asked.
"I haven’t seen you look this happy in years, Mom. I mean it."
"Thanks. I certainly feel different than I’ve felt in years."
"Mom, I would never have said this to you in a million years, but you’ve just looked so totally miserable, especially in the last year. I’m almost glad this happened."
"Why, thank you, Lisa. I’m sure your father would be happy to hear that." Susan turned to Shawn and whispered, "Do you think Ruth’s having an affair?"
Shawn laughed. "No way. She’s much too uptight to be having sex. I’m with Lisa. They probably haven’t slept together in years."
"You both should be ashamed," Susan said, but she joined in their laughter. "But you’re probably right." Then she frowned. "That could be me."
"What are you talking about? You mean you and Dad . . .."
Susan pointed her finger at Lisa and shook her head. "No. I will not go there with you."
It was Shawn’s turn to laugh and she finally got up. "Let me get the steaks on. You two look like you’re having too much fun with this conversation."
"No. I’ve had enough," Susan said.
"Well, I’ll still get the steaks." Shawn paused at the door. "I could use another beer, though."
Susan smiled, then glanced at Lisa and shrugged. "You want another?"
"Where are they stashed?"
"Shawn’s got a cooler on back of her truck."
Susan got up and Lisa followed.
"I’m glad you’ve found a friend, Mom."
Susan linked her arm through Lisa’s. "Me, too. Shawn’s been great."
"She doesn’t seem your type, though," Lisa said.
"Oh, you’re right. We should have nothing in common, yet we can talk for hours. I’ve told her things I would never dream of telling anyone else."
"Mom, you know . . . she’s gay, right?" Lisa asked hesitantly.
Susan laughed. "I haven’t been living in a cave, Lisa. Of course I know she’s gay. But I don’t care about that. She doesn’t really talk about it, anyway."
"Well, I’m glad you’ve got a friend. But you know Aunt Ruth is gonna shit a brick if she finds out she’s gay."
"Who cares," Susan murmured. "It’s not any of her business." But she stopped walking. "You don’t have a problem with this, do you? With Shawn?"
"Yeah, right," Lisa said sarcastically. "I’m not Aunt Ruth’s daughter, Mom."
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