CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Part 4

Shawn nervously twisted her napkin. She had never been good at blind dates and this one was no exception. Thank goodness Amy had agreed to make it a foursome. Amy had spent more time talking to Shawn’s date than Shawn had herself.

"Will you stop," Amy whispered with a quick kick to Shawn’s shin.

Shawn dropped her napkin and reached for her wineglass instead. The evening had already been endless and they had yet to order dessert. She sighed quietly, then smiled across the table at Rebecca. She was attractive enough, Shawn thought, if you liked that skinny, angular look. And they certainly seemed to have a lot in common. Rebecca logged in thirty-five miles a week on the running trails and never missed an opportunity to hike the redwood forests north of the city. And camping. She loved to camp.

Shawn should have been thrilled. Instead, she let Rebecca’s high voice grate on her nerves and thought idly that her short hair made her face look that much more angular. My, but for someone who hadn’t been on a real date in years, she sure was being picky.

"We really should plan a camping trip some weekend." Rebecca spoke to all of them, though her eyes were on Shawn.

Amy laughed. "Shawn took me camping once. And once was enough. I found out I’m a true city girl." She turned to Laura, who had been nearly as quiet as Shawn. "What about you?"

"I’ve never been camping, actually. It always sounds like fun when someone else goes, but I’m a city girl, too."

"I guess that leaves us," Rebecca said to Shawn. Her smile was big and Shawn answered with one her own.

"Oh, we’ll talk them into it," Shawn said causally. She was not about to commit to a camping trip with a woman she didn’t know and wasn’t sure even liked that much.

It wasn’t until later, when she was safely tucked into bed, alone, that she wondered why she had taken a dislike to Rebecca. She was friendly enough, pleasant even. And Amy had apparently thought they would hit it off or she would never have suggested the date. She knew Shawn well enough not to play matchmaker.

But there was nothing, not even a tiny spark. Shawn knew she had hardly given Rebecca a chance, though. She just had very little interest in Rebecca and their conversation. When she closed her mind and let Rebecca’s high voice drift to the background, she saw Susan. And she wondered if Lisa had made it to the cabin, and even more, she wondered if they’d talked. If Susan was okay? If Susan wished that Shawn were there?

She sighed. She never meant to get so involved with them. It was Susan, she knew. They had become such good friends so fast, Shawn hadn’t had the time to back off. Now it was too late. She admitted she probably had a mild crush on Susan, nearing infatuation, really. More like a schoolgirl’s crush on her teacher, knowing it was unattainable, yet unable to resist the attraction.

Shawn rolled over. Not sexual attraction. No, of course not. Shawn did not think of Susan in that light. But still, she couldn’t help but compare Rebecca to Susan. Rebecca’s high voice, which by the end of the evening was grating on Shawn’s every nerve, was so different from Susan’s soft, soothing speech. Her sharp, angular features seemed nearly severe when compared to Susan. Her lips were too thin, her nose too pronounced, her eyes dull.

Shawn stared at the ceiling. Since when had she noticed Susan’s lips? But the eyes, yes. Had she ever looked into eyes that blue? Eyes that danced in amusement while watching Alex? Eyes that warmed at the sight of Shawn? Shawn rolled over again, punching her pillow just a little too hard. No, Susan was just a friend. And that’s all she ever could be.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Susan paced. She should have just called her. But surely she would come up, wouldn’t she?

What if the weekend in San Francisco turned out to be fabulous? Would she go back?

Susan paced again, pausing occasionally to glance out the window to the drive. She needed desperately for Shawn to come up. Susan had spent the entire week thinking about Lisa, worrying about Lisa, so much so that she had worked herself into a frenzy. And when Shawn hadn’t shown up last night, Susan drank the entire bottle of wine herself as she rehearsed conversations with Lisa.

"It’s not the end of the world," she murmured. Whatever was happening with Lisa would happen whether Susan was involved or not. She knew enough from talking with Shawn that whatever choice Lisa was having to make involved going with her feelings or fighting them.

Then again, maybe Susan was just jumping to conclusions. Maybe there was absolutely nothing going on between Lisa and Sheri. Maybe they were simply good friends, like Susan and Shawn were.

The sound of the truck door slamming brought Susan around and she had the front door opened before Shawn could knock. Her eyes warmed at the sight of Shawn and she hadn’t realized just how much she had missed her.

"Hey."

"Hey, yourself," Susan answered. Then she walked to Shawn and wrapped her arms around her neck, giving her a quick hug.

"Miss me?" Shawn teased.

Susan smiled, their eyes still locked. "I missed you. I was hoping you were coming last night."

"I had dinner plans last night," Shawn explained.

Susan ignored the sharp pain. Jealousy? "Another date? You are getting around lately."

"No date. Just a couple of friends from work. They thought I needed to get out."

Susan felt relieved and she wasn’t quite sure why. "So you’re just getting up here? Have you put your tent up yet?"

"No. I came straight here."

"Stay with me tonight," Susan offered.

Shawn smiled and her eyes darkened and Susan felt suddenly nervous.

"You finally have a weekend without company. Are you sure you want me here?"

Susan took her arm and drew her inside. "Very sure. And I have an ulterior motive."

"Oh?"

"I need to talk to you."

"You don’t have to bribe me with a bed," Shawn said.

"And food? And wine?"

"All of that? Well, how can I turn it down," Shawn teased. "What about Alex?"

"Oh, I missed Alex. I bought him some more treats, too. And, we’ll have ribs for dinner, that way Alex will have bones to chew on."

When Susan found Shawn staring at her, she raised her hands questioningly. "What?"

"You’re planning the meal around Alex?" Then Shawn grinned. "Susan, you need to get out more. I’m beginning to worry about you."

"You’ll need to worry when I won’t let you take him home with you."

They both laughed and Shawn saw some of the earlier tension seep away from Susan’s face. She had looked extremely stressed when Shawn first saw her and she assumed she had spent many a sleepless night worrying about Lisa. Of course, maybe it was something else. Maybe David had called. Maybe he had even come up.

Shawn didn’t like that scenario in the least. Susan was better off without him. Surely she could see that, even if Ruth could not. But she shook her head. It really wasn’t any of her concern.

"What?"

"What?" Shawn looked up and let Susan capture her eyes.

"You look troubled. You’re frowning. What are you thinking about?"

Shawn looked away. "Nothing."

But Susan grabbed her arm when Shawn would have turned away. "Shawn, we don’t have any secrets. Do we? I thought we had pretty much gone over all the gory details of both our lives."

"All right. I was thinking that you looked tense, stressed. Then I thought that perhaps David had called you, had even come up here. Maybe you were planning on reconciling. But then I thought that you were better off without him, even if Ruth doesn’t agree. Then I thought that it wasn’t any of my damn business." Their eyes held again. "That about covers it."

Susan put her hands on her hips and studied Shawn. "I haven’t heard from Dave. Actually, I haven’t given him a thought this week." Then she smiled gently and took Shawn’s hand. "And don’t say it’s none of your business. I wouldn’t have made it this far without you."

Shawn nodded, but said nothing.

"It’s Lisa I need to talk to you about."

Shawn’s back stiffened. So, Susan would give her no reprieve.

"Maybe we could take a walk? Take the trail to the Ranger Station?" Shawn suggested.

"Yes. I need desperately to get out of the house."

They were both quiet as they went into the woods behind the cabin. They found the trail to the Ranger Station without problem and Alex led the way, both women lost in their own thoughts.

"Shawn?"

"Hmmm?"

"Lisa came up here last weekend."

"Really? Ruth and your mother?"

"They were here, too."

Susan wasn’t sure how to approach this subject with Shawn. She didn’t want to offend her in any way, not that she thought Shawn would be offended by anything Susan said.

"Lisa brought a friend with her, a classmate."

Shawn nodded, but kept walking. Finally, Susan grabbed Shawn’s arm to stop her.

"I know you only met Lisa the one time, but did you happen to think . . . well, did Lisa give you the impression that she might be . . .oh, shit," Susan finished. She couldn’t even say the word. Not about Lisa.

Shawn stood quietly in front of Susan, watching the emotions cross her face. Finally their eyes met and Shawn saw the question that Susan could not bear to ask.

"Are you trying to ask me if I think she’s gay?"

"Do you?" Susan whispered.

Shawn remembered Lisa’s urgent plea not to tell her mother, but Shawn didn’t have the power to lie to those eyes.

"After I met her, yes, I thought she might be gay."

"Oh, no," Susan groaned. She covered her mouth with one hand, the other reaching out to Shawn. "I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that the way it sounded."

They stood there on the trail and Susan became aware of how quiet it had become. Even Alex sat patiently beside them and waited. She heard herself swallow nervously.

"The girl that she brought, and I’m sorry, but I did the stereotype again, but she had very short hair and earrings," she said pointing to her ear. "All in one ear. Just wore a tiny shirt under overalls."

Shawn grinned. "She’s in college, Susan. That’s how they dress. Or did she have that lesbian tattoo on her forehead?"

"No. It wasn’t that and don’t tease me. They were very familiar with each other . . . when they looked at each other, there was something more there than just friendship."

"Susan . . .."

"No. I’m worried about her, Shawn. What if . . .?"

"What if what?"

Their eyes locked together. "What if she’s gay?"

Shawn gripped both of Susan’s arms tightly. "Whatever is happening with Lisa will happen, regardless of what you say or do."

"But what if she’s just curious? What if this girl is influencing her?"

Shawn tried to pull her eyes away from Susan’s blue ones, but they held her. She forgot all about Lisa’s plea to her. She only wanted to ease Susan’s worry and bring the smile back to those eyes.

"Let’s walk." Shawn turned, not waiting for Susan, knowing she would follow. Alex immediately ran ahead, hoping to urge the women a little faster.

"What do you know?" Susan finally asked.

"Lisa came to my house that week before she came up here. She needed to talk," Shawn explained.

"Why didn’t you tell me?" Susan demanded, her voice echoing through the silent forest.

Shawn turned quickly. "Susan, Lisa is scared. She’s scared of what’s happening to her and she’s scared of what you’ll think of her. She trusted me with this. She asked me not to tell you."

"I’m her mother! You had no right to keep this from me."

"Don’t you think I wanted to tell you? She called me at the Women’s Center. I knew then what she wanted to talk to me about and I wanted to pick up the phone and call you right then, before I’d even seen her. But what good would that have done?"

Susan’s eyes misted over. Lisa was hurt, troubled, and she needed to talk. And she had called Shawn, not her own mother. What did that say about their relationship?

"So, she told you?"

Shawn saw the tears and quickly gathered Susan in her arms. "Don’t cry. Please?" Shawn couldn’t bear to see Susan hurting.

"Why couldn’t she have come to me? I thought we were closer than that." Susan laid her head on Shawn’s shoulder, thankful for the comfort of this woman.

"She doesn’t want to hurt you, Susan. She said that you had enough worries of your own without her adding to it."

"What did she say, Shawn? Please tell me."

"She’s going through that discovery stage, Susan. And she’s scared of what she’s feeling for Sheri. But I don’t think Sheri is pushing her into anything."

"You mean, they haven’t done anything . . . physical?"

Susan pulled back, but her hands still gripped Shawn’s forearms.

"Well, they haven’t had sex, as far as I know," Shawn said. Susan continued to stare and Shawn shook her head weakly. "They’ve kissed, touched."

Susan let her breath out quickly, trying to absorb this information, picturing Lisa and Sheri together.

"Don’t, Susan. Don’t think about it." Shawn took her hand and pulled her along the trail, making her walk.

"I can’t help it. I’m not a prude. And I know these things happen, I mean, look at you. But it’s different when it’s your daughter. I don’t want this life for her. She deserves better." Susan wanted to take back the words as soon as she spoke them. She very nearly bumped into Shawn as Shawn turned around quickly, her eyes angry.

"And what kind of life is this, Susan? A life of prejudice? A life of being pointed at? Looked down upon? People trying to imagine what two women could possibly do in bed together? People like Ruth thinking we’re out to rape and ravage the Country Club set?"

"I’m so sorry," Susan whispered, but Shawn ignored her.

"And you should be worried about Lisa. This is not an easy life and you learn quickly to become thick skinned. And just when you think you’ve found a friend that can get past all that, that can like you for who you are," Shawn paused, not afraid to let Susan see the tears in her eyes. "You learn that they still harbor that prejudice against you."

"Shawn, I never . . .."

But Shawn brushed by Susan without looking back. "Come on, Alex."

Alex ran past Susan, then stopped, looking back as if wondering why Susan was not going with them. Then Alex turned and ran after Shawn.

Susan let her tears gather, then fall. How could she have been so insensitive? Shawn had been there for her all these times without asking for anything in return. How could she have hurt her so?

"Shawn!" She made herself move, running along the trail, trying to catch up with Shawn’s long strides. Alex finally stopped and ran back towards her, his tail wagging, oblivious to the tension between the two women.

"Shawn, wait! Please?" Her voice cracked and she saw Shawn slow her strides then finally stop. The proud woman she had come to know stood with her back to Susan, shoulders slumped, head held low.

"Shawn, please forgive me. I never want to hurt you. Not you."

Susan walked around Shawn and stood in front of her. Their eyes finally met, both swimming in tears.

"You are my friend," Susan whispered. "Your . . . your lifestyle is not a consideration when it comes to that. I don’t even think about it. That’s why I so carelessly said those words. I’m sorry."

"I care about you," Shawn managed to get out of her tight throat. "I care about Lisa."

Susan felt her heart breaking. "And I care about you. Please forgive me."

Shawn nodded weakly and wiped at an errant tear that escaped down her cheek.

Susan wrapped her arms around Shawn and held her. "I’m so sorry," she said again.

"I’m sorry, too."

Alex decided he’d had enough and managed to wriggle his body between them until they finally drew apart.

"Come on. Let’s get a beer," Susan suggested.

Shawn tried to smile. "It’s not even noon. What in the world would Ruth say?"

Susan grinned. "She’d say I was corrupting you."

Shawn grabbed Susan’s arm, stopping her. "Susan, I’m sorry about Lisa. I know this is hard for you to understand."

But Susan stopped her apology with a quick squeeze on her shoulder. "No. Let’s don’t talk about it anymore. You’re right. Whatever’s going to happen will happen. I can only hope she turns out half as good as you." Then Susan turned back to Shawn, thinking she had said the wrong thing again, but Shawn was finally smiling.

"Thank you."

"I mean it Shawn, you’re a wonderful person. You’re a good friend. The best."

They sat quietly on the deck, both sipping occasionally from their beer. Shawn tossed the ball into the forest for Alex and Susan watched them, hating the uneasiness that had sprung up between her and Shawn. She had hurt Shawn, had made her cry. She suspected that Shawn rarely cried. Perhaps that was why she now had a hard time meeting Susan’s eyes.

"You never said how your weekend went." With only Lisa on Susan’s mind, she had forgotten about Shawn’s trip to San Francisco. "Did you get lucky?"

"If you think going on a blind date is lucky, I guess."

"Blind date? I thought you were going to see a woman friend." Now that they were talking about it, Susan wasn’t at all sure she wanted to hear details.

"Amy is a friend, yes. I met her here about six years ago at a counseling workshop and she’s insisted we keep in touch." Shawn smiled at that. She knew, if left up to her, they would have drifted apart years ago. But Amy was not one to let friendships slip away and Shawn made three or four trips to San Francisco each year to visit.

"So, you’ve never been . . .?"

"Lovers? No. But she has a friend she thought I’d like, so we met for dinner."

"Just the two of you?" Susan was aware of how much she wanted the answer to be no.

"No. Amy and her date went, too."

"And?" Again, Susan wasn’t at all sure she wanted to hear this. She was surprised at how possessive she seemed to have become over Shawn.

"She was nice. And we have a lot in common." Shawn didn’t elaborate. The look on Susan’s face told her that Susan didn’t really want to hear about it. And why would she? She just found out her daughter is most likely gay. She doubted Susan wanted to hear about Shawn’s love life. Or lack thereof.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

The rain that had been threatening all day started with a downpour and Susan listened as it drummed against the skylights. She wondered if the rain would keep Shawn away.

"You know, it wouldn’t hurt you to come to Fresno occasionally."

Susan’s sigh was quite audible. "And why would I want to do that, Ruth?"

"You have friends there, you have family there. A home. Susan, you have a husband there."

"No. This is home. At least, ever since I took Dave’s things down and put them away. Speaking of which, I have a couple of boxes I’d like you to take back for him."

"For God’s sake, Susan!"

But Susan wasn’t going to get into it with Ruth yet again. "Oh, did I tell you I spoke with an attorney this week?" As expected, Ruth was stunned into silence. "Apparently, Dave is not going to file, so I am."

"Susan! No, you can’t." Ruth jumped to her feet and stood in front of Susan, as if her presence would change Susan’s mind. "You’re being too hasty. It’s only been a few months. You haven’t even tried to speak with him about this."

"I don’t want to speak with him about this. I don’t want to reconcile. I want to divorce him, Ruth." Susan felt good saying the words out loud. Not that she doubted her decision. She knew it was the right one, but still, it was frightening when she thought about severing her ties with Dave and starting her life over.

"And have you even bothered to tell him this or are you just going to surprise him?"

"I doubt it will be a surprise, Ruth." But maybe she was being a bit immature about it. She should have the decency to call him, to tell him herself. And maybe she would. They did have twenty years of history between them. And one blonde. Well, one that Susan knew of anyway.

"I didn’t realize you were so vindictive, Susan."

Susan walked to the window and stared out into the rain. "Do you think I’m divorcing him just because he had an affair? If I loved him, don’t you think I would fight to keep our marriage alive?" She turned back to Ruth, her voice quiet. "Our marriage was over long ago. I just didn’t know it."

"But Dave . . .."

"Dave knows it too, Ruth. Why do you think he hasn’t been calling me? Why do you think he hasn’t come up here?"

"You told him to stay away. Why, every time I see him, he asks about you. He tells me that he wants you back. That you’re making a mistake."

Susan smiled ruefully. Dave always knew how to stay on Ruth’s good side. Just tell her want she wants to hear, he used to say.

"The mistake would be to go back."

"But what will you do? You can’t stay up here forever."

"No. I’ll stay through summer, then I’ll have to find a place." The thought of going back to Fresno depressed her, though. She found it better not to think about summer ending.

"I know you won’t have to worry about money, but still, you have to do something. You can’t hide in a house all day."

"No, I can’t. But I never finished college. I could always go back to school. Or I may follow Shawn’s advice. There are so many worthy causes that need volunteers. I just have to find the one that’s right for me."

"Oh, Susan." Ruth shook her head disapprovingly. "That woman will have you working at an AIDS hospice if you’re not careful."

"And what would be wrong with that?"

"Oh, Susan, I worry about you."

It was a phrase Ruth had been using quite frequently, Susan noted with a smile.

She and Ruth were both startled by the one quick knock on the door before it opened and a drenched Shawn stood there.

"Sorry," she said as she stood dripping on the mat.

"I’ll get a towel." Susan hurried into her bathroom, pleasantly surprised that Shawn had braved the weather. She returned to silence in the living room as Shawn and Ruth stared at each other.

Her voice was a teasing whisper as she handed Shawn the towel. "You know, there’s this neat invention they’ve come up with. You use it in the rain. It’s called an umbrella."

"Very funny," Shawn whispered back.

"Where’s Alex?"

"In the truck."

"In the truck? Well, go get him."

"No. It’s raining."

"You can’t leave him in the truck."

"He’s fine. He’s probably sleeping already."

One frantic, high-pitched bark brought their eyes together.

"Sleeping?"

"He’s fine."

"He’s scared. Go get him."

"No."

"Please?"

Shawn would have stood her ground, if not for that one whispered plea. She had no defense to that word with Susan.

Susan saw the change in Shawn’s eyes as she had whispered "please" and her heart warmed. After last weekend, she had been afraid that she had damaged their friendship somehow, fearing they may have lost the easy camaraderie they had built. But their teasing exchange with each other eased her fears.

Susan silently handed Shawn an umbrella and Shawn silently turned and ran back to the truck.

"You’re going to bring that dog into the house?"

"Yes, Ruth. And they’ll probably stay the night." She turned to Ruth, an unspoken challenge in her eyes. "I hope that’s okay with you."

A few seconds later, Shawn and now a wet Alex stood on the mat. Susan took Shawn’s towel and proceeded to dry Alex, all the while telling him what a good dog he was and how mistreated he’d been to be left in the truck. Alex licked Susan’s face in thanks and never gave Shawn a second glance.

"You know, I’m wet, too," Shawn finally said, interrupting the lovefest in front of her.

"And you deserve it." Susan handed Shawn the now wet towel and led Alex into the kitchen. "I’ve got a bone for you, sweetie."

"I get a wet towel and ‘sweetie’ gets a treat," Shawn murmured.

"What?"

Shawn laughed. "I’m just complaining about this unfair treatment, Ruth." She took off her wet boots and socks and strode barefoot across the rug. She eyed the sofa, then her wet jeans, and promptly squatted on the floor.

"Susan said you would probably stay the night."

And I bet you’re thrilled about that prospect, Shawn thought. But she shrugged. "The rain doesn’t appear to be letting up." Then she smiled, hoping it didn’t look as insincere as it felt. "You don’t mind, do you?"

"It’s not my house."

Alex ran into the living room with a rawhide sticking out of his mouth and Shawn playfully tried to steal it.

"You know, I’ve got another," Susan offered. "But I thought you’d rather have this."

Shawn leaned back on her elbows and looked up at the beer being held over her head.

"Mmmm. Thanks."

Susan sat behind Shawn on the sofa, her eyes moving over the wet hair and T-shirt. She resisted the urge to straighten the damp locks that hung across Shawn’s forehead. She could feel Ruth watching her and she squared her shoulders. She was doing nothing wrong. Her relationship with Shawn was perfectly innocent. With that, she reached out and caught a drop of water as it slowly slid down Shawn’s neck.

"You’re wet," Susan stated.

Shawn turned her head and their eyes locked as a slow grin appeared on Shawn’s face. She arched one eyebrow seductively. "Really?"

Susan blushed from head to toe and nervously glanced at Ruth. Shawn’s husky laugh was for her ears only and Susan cleared her throat before speaking.

"Would you like some dry clothes? Sweatpants, at least? We’re about the same size. I think you could get into my pants without a problem." Again the arched eyebrow shot up over amused eyes. "Will you stop," Susan whispered, her face turning scarlet again. God only knew what Ruth must be thinking.

"I would love to get out of these wet clothes."

Their eyes held again and Susan wondered why everything they said suddenly sounded so sexual. Ruth was, no doubt, close to having a stroke. Susan rummaged in her drawers, finding a clean pair of sweats. Shawn would never be able to fit into one of Susan’s T-shirts, though.

"I left the pants on my bed."

"Thanks. Be right back."

Susan watched her walk away. Saunter was more like it, she thought. Shawn didn’t walk like most women. Her stride was purposeful, confident. Cocky, she added. And sexy. Now where did that come from? She blushed again and found Ruth staring at her.

"What?"

"I can’t believe you plan to let her stay here."

"Why not?"

"Have some sense! Can’t you see the way she looks at you? The way she talks to you?"

"Looks at me? Oh, Ruth, you’re imagining things."

Ruth’s reply was cut short when Shawn walked back into the room. Her wet T-shirt had been replaced by one of Susan’s. It was a size too small and even the bright floral pattern of the front could not hide the fact that Shawn wore no bra.

"I hope you don’t mind, but I borrowed a shirt, too."

"A little tight?" Susan teased.

Shawn tugged at the neckline. "Snug."

She sat on the sofa with Susan, drawing her legs up and tucking her bare feet under her. Ruth was staring at them and Shawn had had about all she could stand of Ruth. She had no idea how Susan tolerated her.

"So, Ruth, what brings you up here this weekend?"

"I’m just visiting. What about you? Hard to camp in the rain, isn’t it?"

Shawn grinned. "Not hard. Just messy. Besides, I think the rain has let up."

"Doesn’t matter. You’re staying here tonight," Susan told her.

Shawn nodded. "Thanks." She patted the sofa beside her. "A dry sofa is better than a wet tent any day."

"You’re not sleeping on the sofa. My bed is a queen. You can sleep with me."

Susan wanted to ignore the gasp from Ruth and she hoped Shawn had not heard it.

"Susan, if Shawn wants the guestroom, I don’t mind the sofa," Ruth offered.

"No one is sleeping on the sofa."

"Well, then I could move into your room and Shawn could still have the guestroom."

"That’s silly, Ruth."

Shawn watched this exchange between sisters, wondering who would win. Ruth obviously did not like the idea of Shawn in Susan’s bed, probably thinking that this would be the night that Shawn attempted to ravish her. And she suspected that Susan was intentionally doing this to piss Ruth off. She smiled at that thought.

"I really don’t mind the sofa," Ruth tried again.

Susan stood up. "But I do." Her eyes hinted at a challenge as she glanced at Shawn, who said nothing.

We have a winner, Shawn thought.

"I’m going to set the table for dinner." She turned to Shawn. "Soup okay?"

"Yeah. It’s a great night for soup."

An uncomfortable silence filled the room, then Ruth shifted uneasily.

"I suppose you find this all amusing," Ruth said.

"Pretty much, yeah." Shawn didn’t try to hide her smile. It was amusing as hell!

"I know it was you that put all these ideas of divorce into her head. She was perfectly happy."

"In case you haven’t noticed, Susan has a mind of her own. And she was not perfectly happy, Ruth." Shawn leaned forward, her voice low. "You’ve got to let Susan live her own life. Trust her to know what’s best for herself. She’s not a child, you know."

"She’s making a mistake."

Shawn sighed. Susan was right. Ruth was impossible to talk to. "Well, if she’s making a mistake, it’s her mistake to make, not yours."

"Oh, how poetic," Ruth cooed. "And I suppose you’ll be here to pick up the pieces after it’s all over?"

"Why do you assume she’ll need someone to pick up the pieces? Susan is a very strong woman, Ruth. She’s going to be fine."

"Bullshit! I know what you’re after," Ruth hissed.

"Excuse me?"

"Don’t play dumb with me! I know your kind. Even if Susan can’t see it, I can."

"See what?"

"You’re only after one thing."

"You’re way off base here, Ruth." Shawn felt her anger towards this woman rise to the surface and she stood suddenly, startling Ruth. "But I assure you, if there was anything going on between Susan and me, there is nothing you could do to prevent it. You understand?" Her voice was barely a whisper when she finished, but Ruth was pressed back against her chair as if Shawn had been yelling.

Susan stuck her head out of the kitchen. She had been surprised to actually hear conversation going on between the two of them, but by the looks on both women’s faces, it had hardly been pleasant.

Her eyes found Shawn. "Hungry?"

"Starved."

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

"A glass of wine in bed?"

Susan stared at her, but Shawn turned to the cabinets, quickly taking down two wineglasses. A stunned Ruth watched in silence.

"Do we have a candle?"

Susan swallowed nervously. "In the bedroom."

"Good."

Shawn left and Susan and Ruth exchanged glances.

"Well . . . goodnight, then," Susan murmured.

"Susan, I beg you," Ruth whispered. "Don’t go in there with her."

"Ruth, I’ll be fine. Really."

"Can’t you see what she’s doing?"

Yes, Susan thought, she’s trying to upset you. And it seems to be working. "We’re just going to have a glass of wine before bed and talk."

"My God, you are so blind! She’s trying to seduce you! Wine and candles? Have some sense!"

Susan was certain Ruth’s attempt at whispering could be heard throughout the house, and it took all of her control not to laugh at Ruth’s obvious seriousness.

Susan patted Ruth’s arm. "I’m in no danger, I promise. Now, go to bed, Ruth. I’ll see you in the morning."

It was all she could do to contain her laughter and it bubbled out as soon as the bedroom door was closed behind her.

"You are so bad!"

"I’m sorry, but she pissed me off. If she had offered me the goddamned guestroom one more time, I was going to scream. Jesus!"

Susan handed Shawn the wine and corkscrew, then went into the bathroom to change. "You know she won’t get any sleep tonight."

"Good!"

Shawn was sitting cross-legged on the bed, jogging shorts and T-shirt having replaced Susan’s borrowed clothes. Alex was curled like a perfect angel at the foot of the bed. Shawn had the wine opened and poured by the time Susan came out. She was wearing a long T-shirt that reached nearly to her knees and Shawn grinned at her.

"Is that all you’re wearing?"

"It’s what I sleep in."

Shawn smiled wickedly. "Why don’t you pass by Ruth’s door, just to show her what you’ve got on?"

"So, you’re really trying to give her a stroke?" Susan joined Shawn on the bed, mimicking her cross-legged position.

"She drives me insane. I don’t know how you stand her."

Susan nodded. "She is a little obsessed with you, I think. You frighten her."

"She’s lying in bed with her door open, just waiting for any sound."

"Sounds of passion?"

"Oh, I doubt Ruth could even imagine two women being passionate with each other. No, I’ll bet she’s listening for the sounds of rape. Surely, you would never willingly submit to my advances."

"She’ll run in and pull you off of me, saving me."

"And she’ll wonder how I managed to get you naked so fast," Shawn teased.

They laughed quietly, then touched glasses.

Susan leaned back into the pillows, her mental image of Ruth pulling a naked Shawn off of her equally naked body causing sensations she’d rather not have. What if Shawn did try to seduce her? Would wine in bed do it? Would she fight it?

But she would never find out, she supposed. Shawn simply finished her wine and crawled under the covers, leaving ample space between them.

"Don’t hog the covers," Shawn murmured and she rolled onto her side, her back to Susan.

Susan smiled at Shawn’s back. Barely two months, yet they were so familiar with each other, it was scary. Susan was now embarrassed for her earlier thoughts. Shawn had become a good friend. Her best friend. How could she even think that Shawn would try to turn it into something more?

Susan turned out the light and pulled the covers to her chin, her feet bumping Alex as she tried to stretch out. She listened to Shawn’s even breathing, surprised she was able to fall asleep so quickly. Susan closed her own eyes, feeling comforted by Shawn’s presence in her bed.

She woke only once during the night, her body pressed against Shawn’s warm back, her face buried in the hair at Shawn’s neck. She made herself move away from that warmth, wondering when she had sought it. Shawn stirred briefly, then stilled again, her even breathing the last thing Susan remembered.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

The sun had just peaked over the mountains and Shawn slipped on sunglasses. She was as apprehensive as she’d ever been driving up the mountain, Lisa’s phone call still fresh in her mind.

"I’m going to tell her."

"So, this is for sure?"

"Oh, yeah, it’s for sure." Then, "Will you be there? I need you to be there."

"I’ll be there, Lisa. Susan will need me there, too."

It had been her Friday to cover the phones and after she’d gotten home, it was much too late to drive up. She had told Susan the week before that she probably wouldn’t be up until Saturday, but still, she had nearly called her.

This was getting much too complicated. She told herself she had no business spending every weekend with Susan, but little good it did. If she wasn’t careful, this . . . infatuation she had for Susan could get out of hand. Infatuation?

"I’m beyond that, aren’t I?" she asked Alex. "But so are you," she told him.

When she pulled into Susan’s drive, she didn’t know whether to be relieved or not. Lisa was not there yet.

Alex ran around the cabin, obviously knowing Susan would be on the deck and Shawn laughed.

"I think you love her more than you love me," she murmured.

She found Alex with front paws sprawled across Susan’s lap as she tried to balance coffee cup in one hand and Alex’s head in the other.

"I think he missed me."

"I think you’ve spoiled him so badly that he doesn’t like me anymore."

"I think you don’t buy him enough treats."

"I think you buy him too many."

Susan laughed. "So, who do you think he likes more?"

"He likes you more and I’m highly offended."

Susan finally pushed Alex out of her lap and wiped her face with her hand. "He gives good kisses, too."

"Well, I taught him that, of course."

Their laughter echoed through the forest and Susan finally managed to offer Shawn coffee.

"Stay. I’ll get it. You want some more?"

Susan handed her empty cup to Shawn. "Please."

They sat in comfortable silence, with Alex perched importantly between their chairs, enjoying occasional attention from both women.

"Lisa’s coming up today," Susan finally said.

"Really?"

"I haven’t seen her since . . . well, since she was here with Sheri."

"Is she coming by herself?"

"I think so."

Shawn had a moment of panic and her mouth opened, ready to prepare Susan for what Lisa had to say, but she turned away, pretending interest in a woodpecker as it drummed on the spruce tree that hovered over the cabin. She kept telling herself this wasn’t any of her business, that she was just a friend willing to lend a helping hand. But with Susan, it was more than that. She couldn’t bear to see pain in those blue eyes.

"You haven’t talked to her, have you?"

Shawn swallowed with difficulty. She had promised Lisa, she reminded herself. "No." Oh, she would pay for that lie.

"She said she would be here early, but I guess her early is not like yours."

The sound of a car door slamming brought their eyes together. Shawn saw a touch of fear there and she offered a reassuring smile. Susan returned it briefly, then reached out and squeezed Shawn’s hand.

"I’m glad you’re here."

She already knows, Shawn thought. And she’s prepared.

Mother and daughter’s hug was longer than normal, then Lisa turned to Shawn and included her, too.

"Wow! What did you do? Cut two feet off your hair?" Shawn rubbed Lisa’s hair, cut nearly as short as Shawn’s.

"Probably more. Do you like?" Lisa posed for both Shawn and her mother.

"Yeah, but I’m partial to short hair."

"Mom?"

Susan smiled warmly at her daughter. For nineteen years, her hair had reached below her shoulders, some years nearly to her waist. Lisa was changing in more ways than one.

"I love it," she said sincerely and was rewarded with another hug from Lisa.

"Did you come up last night?" Lisa asked Shawn.

"No. Just got here." She raised her coffee cup. "First one."

"Do you want a cup, Lisa?"

"Thanks, Mom."

When Susan left them, Lisa whispered, "She knows, doesn’t she?"

Shawn nodded.

"Maybe this was a bad idea."

"No, it’s not. Susan loves you. Don’t be afraid to talk to her. Let her share this part of your life with you, Lisa."

Susan stood at the door, watching as Shawn gripped Lisa’s arms, no doubt pleading with her about something. Lisa’s scared to tell me, she thought. Shawn’s telling her it’s okay. She smiled sadly. How would she and Lisa muddle through this if Shawn weren’t here? Would they make more small talk about her hair? Would they gossip about Ruth? Would lunch come and go without them broaching the subject that was on both their minds?

A part of her wished for those very things.

Then Shawn looked up and caught her staring. She swallowed the lump that had formed, seeing understanding in Shawn’s eyes. And something more.

After taking a deep breath, she made herself move. She kept a smile on her face, as forced as it may have been, and hoped her tone was light.

"Shawn, I didn’t offer you another cup."

"I’m fine. Actually, I think I’ll go look for a place to put the tent up tonight."

"Stay here tonight." Susan knew it sounded more like a plea than an offer, but she didn’t care. She would need Shawn to be here, she was certain.

"Lisa’s going to stay." Shawn thought they would need time together, but Susan’s eyes captured her own and she recognized the near panic there.

"I may not," Lisa said.

"Please?" Susan resorted to the whispered plea she knew Shawn could not refuse. Shawn’s eyes warmed instantly and again Susan felt a tightening in her chest.

"I’ll stay, then." Relief replaced panic and Susan finally released Shawn.

The silence grew between them and Shawn wanted to simply fade into the background. She was about to offer an excuse of unpacking her truck when Lisa spoke.

"Mom? You want to . . . maybe take a walk or something?"

Susan’s mind screamed "no", she wanted no such thing, but she bravely nodded. She turned back once, looking for reassurance from Shawn, but Shawn had already left them.

She turned to Lisa and the look of fear in her eyes nearly broke her heart. She smiled and linked arms with Lisa, trying to offer any support she could.

"There’s something I need to talk to you about," Lisa started.

"Actually, there’s something I wanted to tell you, too."

They both smiled and Lisa relaxed. "You go first," she offered.

"I went to see an attorney," Susan said.

"Divorce?"

"Yeah. What do you think?"

Lisa shrugged. "What does Dad say?"

"I haven’t told him, although I’m sure Ruth has."

"Well, it’s really your decision, isn’t it? I mean, regardless of what they think, right?"

"Right."

"Mom, are you sure? It’s kinda quick, isn’t it?"

"Almost three months." Susan draped one arm across Lisa’s shoulders and squeezed. "But I’m sure, Lisa. He’ll always be your father, but that’s all he’ll be to me." Then she said, almost to herself, "I’m still young. There can be a whole new beginning to my life."

Susan paused, then turned Lisa to face her. "Now, what did you want to talk to me about?"

"Oh, well, it’s really not that important," Lisa said nervously.

Susan gently tipped Lisa’s chin up. "It is important, Lisa."

"You already know, don’t you?" Lisa managed before tears closed up her throat completely.

Susan gathered Lisa in her arms. "Yes, I know, honey."

"I’m so sorry," Lisa whispered. "I didn’t want to hurt you."

Susan pushed Lisa away. "You listen to me. I love you, no matter what. You have nothing to be sorry for, Lisa."

"I didn’t know how to tell you or even if I should. But Shawn said I shouldn’t hide this from you."

"Shawn was right." Susan again draped an arm across Lisa’s shoulders and they walked on slowly. A thousand questions formed in Susan’s mind and she didn’t know where to begin. Finally, "When did you know, Lisa?"

At first, Susan was afraid that Lisa wasn’t going to answer, then she cleared her throat before speaking.

"In high school, I guess. But I wasn’t ready to admit it. I thought maybe it would go away."

"But it hasn’t. You’re sure?"

Lisa smiled. "I’m sure."

"And . . . Sheri?" Susan asked hesitantly.

"Yes."

"Have you . . . well, have you and Sheri . . .?"

"Yes."

"I see." Susan felt her face flush as she pictured her daughter locked in an intimate embrace with another girl.

"Mom, I know you don’t understand this, but . . .."

"I know you think I’m old and come from the Dark Ages, Lisa, but I do understand. And now that Shawn has come into my life, I understand a lot more. I want you to be happy, honey."

"Thank you."

"Now, your father and Aunt Ruth, that’s a whole different story."

Their laughter relaxed them both, then Lisa gave her mother a fierce hug. "I love you, Mom."

"Love you, too."

"Shawn’s probably pacing by now. We should go back."

"Probably. I take it she knew you were going to tell me this."

"I called her this week. We talked about it."

"Oh? You called her?" Shawn would pay for that little lie.

"Yes. I hope you don’t mind, Mom, but I needed to talk to someone and Shawn’s been the greatest."

Susan nodded. Yes, Shawn’s always there when they need her. And pacing, indeed. They found her walking from side to side on the deck. Her eyes flew to Susan, silently asking if she was okay. Susan suddenly felt near tears at the look of concern on Shawn’s face.

"I’m going to take a shower and put on some shorts, if that’s okay," Lisa told her mother. "I just kinda got up and left this morning."

"Of course." Susan didn’t miss the quick touch on the arm as Lisa passed by Shawn.

"Can I get you something?" Shawn finally asked.

Susan let out her breath slowly and shook her head. "I’m just going to sit, I think."

She slid the chair into the sun and sat down with a heavy sigh. She felt, rather than heard, Shawn move behind her and she closed her eyes. Two gentle hands rubbed her shoulders soothingly, then moved to her neck, knowing instinctively where the knot would be.

Susan’s head bent forward slightly and Shawn moved her hands into Susan’s hair, gently massaging her scalp. The deep moan that Susan uttered caused Shawn’s pulse to quicken and she swallowed back the desire that threatened. With a shake of her head, her hands returned to Susan’s shoulders and she felt the muscles relax beneath her fingers.

It felt too good, too right. Sensations completely foreign to Susan traveled through her body, causing her pulse to beat a little too fast and she was frightened by what she was feeling. She covered her arms, trying to hide the goosebumps that had formed there at Shawn’s gentle touch. Then Shawn’s hands returned to her shoulders and she made herself relax. It was just a backrub, nothing more.

When Lisa opened the door a short time later, Susan expected Shawn to pull away. Perhaps it was her own guilt showing, but Shawn gave Susan’s shoulders one last squeeze then nonchalantly pulled a second chair out into the sun for Lisa.

"Backrubs are free this morning," she offered Lisa.

"I see you almost put Mom to sleep."

Susan rolled her head lazily to the side, finally daring to meet Shawn’s eyes. "Thank you," she said quietly.

"My pleasure." Then she grinned. "I’m making lunch, by the way."

Susan laughed. "You’re going to cook?"

"What’s so funny?" Shawn demanded.

"Oh, how about the fact that you can’t cook?"

"You can’t cook?" Lisa asked.

Shawn gave Lisa her best scowl. "I can get by." She then walked confidently off the deck, not looking back. She only hoped the lasagna turned out. She had heard the advertisement on the radio the week before. "We make. You bake." How hard could it be? Pop it in the oven for an hour and eat.

As it turned out, she had a little help with lunch. Susan insisted on garlic bread and Lisa insisted they eat on the deck. The picnic table was soon covered with a red and white checked tablecloth and Shawn watched as Susan expertly placed plates, napkins and utensils in their proper place. Then she and Susan argued over which bottle of wine would go best with the lasagna. Susan won that argument while Lisa watched from the sidelines.

It wasn’t until Lisa brought up Sheri that Shawn noticed the tension returning to Susan’s face.

"I want to spend the 4th with you, but I want Sheri to be welcomed, too."

"Aunt Ruth will be here. So will your grandparents," Susan warned.

"So, you don’t want me to come?"

"Of course I want you to come. I think your cousins will be here, too."

Lisa laughed. "Oh, now that’s tempting."

"Do you . . . do you plan to tell everyone?"

Shawn watched the exchange silently. For all Susan’s brave words, it was still unsettling to have a gay daughter.

"I don’t plan to make a major announcement, if that’s what you mean. Mom, I just want to be with her, you know? I want to spend the day with her, too."

"Of course. I’m sorry. Here I am, more concerned with what the family will be thinking than what you want. And they’ll find out soon enough, I suppose."

"Thanks, Mom."

Lisa left soon after lunch. Shawn and a silent Susan stood in the driveway and watched her drive off. As soon as the car was out of sight, Susan moved into Shawn’s arms without thinking, knowing they would close around her and offer comfort.

Shawn gently cradled Susan’s head, wanting nothing more than to take away the hurt. Her eyes closed as she stroked Susan’s hair, and she felt Susan’s wet tears run down her neck.

Susan pressed her face into Shawn’s neck and her tears fell silently. She wasn’t crying because of any particular emotion. Rather, she realized she was grieving for a life now gone. Her marriage. And her daughter’s childhood.

"Don’t cry, please," Shawn whispered into Susan’s hair. "I can’t stand it when you cry."

"I’m okay," Susan mumbled against Shawn’s throat, breathing deeply. She slid her arms completely around Shawn’s waist and rested heavily against her, trusting Shawn to support her.

"Do you want to talk?"

"No," she murmured.

Susan finally pulled out of Shawn’s arms, away from her comfort, but she couldn’t meet her eyes. She was embarrassed but knew Shawn wouldn’t expect an apology.

But Shawn wouldn’t let her off the hook that easily. She cupped Susan’s chin in one hand and forced her head up, not speaking until Susan finally met her eyes.

"It’ll take some time."

Susan nodded.

"She needs you to support her right now. Don’t make her choose between you and Sheri."

"I wouldn’t. I just don’t want her to be hurt and who knows what Ruth is going to say to her."

"Knowing Lisa, she’ll give it right back."

This made Susan smile and Shawn released her.

"Now, how about a hike? I think we both have some lasagna we need to work off."

"Did I tell you how good it was? You’re a very good cook," Susan teased.

"You should be ashamed for doubting me."

They both avoided the subject of Lisa during the hike, but by the time they returned to the cabin, Susan had grown increasingly quiet. Shawn missed their normal teasing banter, but left Susan alone with her thoughts. Like she’d said, it would take some time.

With dark approaching, they sat on the deck and Susan watched as Shawn put two cigarettes between her lips and lit them. She reached for hers gratefully, silently. Then, without asking, she went to Shawn’s truck and brought back two beers.

Their silence was relaxing and Susan sighed, her eyes sliding shut. It had been a day she had been dreading, yet expecting for weeks. But she was glad it was done with. And it wasn’t as if it had been a great shock. She’d had several weeks to get used to the idea of having a gay daughter. She wondered if Lisa suspected how much Shawn had told her.

"You okay?" Shawn asked quietly.

"Yeah."

Silence again.

"Will you sleep with me tonight?"

Shawn nearly choked on her beer. "Excuse me?"

"I don’t want to be alone," Susan explained quietly.

Shawn nodded. "All right."

Susan wore the same long T-shirt as before and Shawn intentionally kept her eyes away from Susan’s exposed legs. She had shed her shorts, but dutifully kept her T-shirt on. Sleeping in the nude was something she had gotten used to years ago, but she would suffer through the confines of a shirt tonight.

"Your hair is still wet," Susan observed. "I’ve got a blow dryer."

Shawn ran her fingers through her hair. "Just damp. It’ll dry."

Susan turned out the light without another word. She silently moved into Shawn’s arms without asking and closed her eyes when those same arms closed around her. She ignored the pounding in her chest and her sudden shortness of breath, instead seeking out the comfort that she craved tonight.

Shawn held Susan tightly, trying to stifle the desire that threatened. Susan needed her, trusted her. But as a friend, nothing more. And if this was all that Shawn could have, it was enough. Susan’s friendship meant more to her than anything and her arms involuntarily tightened. She would not betray that trust by trying to turn their friendship into something more, something that Susan obviously didn’t, couldn’t want.

Susan breathed deeply, smelling the scent that was uniquely Shawn’s mixed with the faint smell of soap. She sighed, trying not to think about the soft body beneath her head. How had it come to this? Was there a time in her life that she could imagine seeking comfort in another woman’s arms? It didn’t matter anyway. Shawn would never do anything inappropriate. She could count on that.

But then, who determined what was inappropriate?

Shawn held Susan until her even breathing spoke of sleep. Susan’s body was limp in her arms and she gently rolled Susan over, pulling the covers over them both. She was much more likely to get sleep with Susan out of her arms.

Susan woke once and found herself curled against Shawn, her arm draped across Shawn’s flat stomach as if she slept this way every night. She realized that the soft pillow under her head was Shawn’s breast and she trembled. She should move, she told herself, but her eyes slid closed again and she let out a heavy sigh. In a minute, she thought.

The unfamiliar weight against her breast caused Susan to stir and she let out a contented sigh. She was on her side, facing the wall, but Shawn was pressed against her, her arm wrapped securely across Susan’s waist. She could feel Shawn’s breasts pressed against her back and her breath caught in her throat. Eyes now wide open, the stirrings of sexual desire ran through her and she felt her body tremble with need, want. She struggled to get her emotions under control.

"Shawn," she whispered.

She rolled slowly onto her back, hoping Shawn would wake and roll over, too. But Shawn’s arm remained, raking across Susan’s breast as she rolled under it. The quick moan escaped before Susan could stop it and her breasts ached for attention.

She looked at Shawn and saw her eyes open slowly. They locked together and Susan watched as Shawn’s eyes darkened. Then she moved, pulling her hand away from Susan’s breast and stretching as if she’d had the greatest night’s sleep in months.

"Looks like you were hogging the bed again," Shawn murmured.

Susan saw that, indeed, they had been sleeping on only half of the bed.

"Sorry."

"Mmmm."

Shawn rolled away from Susan and within seconds was fast asleep, leaving Susan wide-awake and wondering. Was she the only one feeling this . . . desire? Shawn acted totally unaffected and Susan thought she should be glad, but . . . still, she wondered.

They had a late breakfast and lingered over another cup of coffee before Shawn finally took her leave.

"Will you come up next weekend?"

"The 4th? You’re going to have a house full, Susan. Of family."

Susan grinned. "You don’t want that torture, I take it?"

Actually, after last night, Shawn thought they needed a break. Or at least, she needed a break. Her feelings were all over the place and she needed to put some space between she and Susan.

"I think I’ll stay away from the crowds," Shawn said. "Maybe take in the fireworks in town or something."

Susan felt oddly disappointed, but knew Shawn was right. She would have a house full of company and she wouldn’t have any spare time for Shawn.

"Well, I’ll miss you," Susan said. "I hope you’ll think about me as I’m entertaining Ruth and her family."

"Yes, and I’ll be so thankful I’m not here."

They smiled at each other, then Susan walked closer to Shawn and hugged her. The hug lasted longer than necessary, but Susan was in no hurry to pull out of Shawn’s arms. Finally, Shawn loosened her grip and they stepped apart.

"Thank you for being here yesterday," Susan said.

"I’ll be here anytime you need me."

Susan nodded. "I know."

She felt a sharp sense of loss as Shawn and Alex drove away. Maybe spending a weekend apart would be good for them. Susan was becoming much too dependent upon her.

Part 5

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