CHAPTER TWENTY
Part 5
"Susan, I can’t believe you allowed Lisa to cut her beautiful hair off."
"Allowed? Ruth, it’s her hair, she can wear it as she likes."
"But still, she looks so . . . boyish."
Susan felt her back stiffen and a biting retort was on her tongue had not Tiffany chosen that moment to walk in.
"Mother, Brandon will have some more wine," she purred, handing Ruth the empty glass. "Aunt Susan, will Uncle Dave be up this weekend?"
Susan would have laughed had she not known that Tiffany was being completely serious. Like mother, like daughter.
"No, Tiffany, David was not invited."
"But Mother said you were going to reconcile."
"Oh, she did?" Susan bit her lip. "Well, she was mistaken," she said, glaring at Ruth.
"Here you go, dear." Ruth handed her daughter the glass of wine and smiled after her. "Doesn’t she look gorgeous? Pregnancy agrees with her." Then she smiled at Susan. "Of course, pregnancy agreed with me, too."
Of course it did, Susan thought. And I’m sure being a grandmother will agree with you as well, she added silently.
"So, what’s up with Lisa?"
Susan continued seasoning the burgers, thinking she very well may ignore the question, but Ruth moved closer.
"She’s taking the rest of the summer off. Classes start again in late August," Susan said vaguely.
"I mean with this . . . girl?"
"Her name is Sheri," Susan said. "And what about her?"
"They’re nearly inseparable."
Susan could sense that Ruth was ready to go for the kill and she wouldn’t allow it.
"Yes, they are," she said. "Lisa appears to be very fond of her."
"Fond? Don’t you think it’s a bit odd?"
"Odd? For whom?"
"Well, certainly not for your friend, Shawn," Ruth said brightly. "But this is Lisa we’re talking about. Or has Shawn rubbed off on her?"
It took all of Susan’s control not to slap the smirk off of Ruth’s face and she balled her hands into fists, clutching them to her side. She silently counted to ten, her voice sounding unusually calm even to her own ears.
"Ruth, you don’t need to concern yourself with Lisa. She’s perfectly fine."
"Fine? You call cavorting with . . .?"
Her outburst was cut short when the kitchen door swung open. Both women turned to find Lisa staring at them.
"Mom? You want me to start the grill?"
Susan nodded eagerly. "Yes, please." Then she turned to Ruth. "Would you take out the dip?" She shoved it into Ruth’s hands along with the bowl of chips. Anything to get her out of the kitchen.
Lisa watched Ruth walk away, then turned to Susan. "What’s going on?"
"Nothing. Ruth’s just being . . . a bitch," she allowed and she and Lisa both laughed.
"Asking questions?"
"Yes."
"Did you tell her?"
"No, Lisa. That’s not something Ruth would be able to talk about maturely. Or intelligently," she added. "She will go on speculating and making her rude comments and I’ll go on ignoring her as best I can."
"You looked like you were about to rip her face off."
"Well, I wanted to. She infuriates me sometimes!"
"Yeah, well, her kids infuriate me. I’m so tired of hearing about babies, I could throw up."
Again they laughed and Susan thought that just maybe she could get through the evening after all. Lisa paused at the door.
"I wish Shawn were here."
Susan sighed. "So do I, honey." More than you know, she added silently.
Later, as she sat next to Lisa and Sheri, she wondered what Shawn was doing. Did she go watch the fireworks alone or did she have a date? She didn’t want to think about Shawn on a date, so instead, she thought back to last weekend and the night she’d spent curled up securely against her. A sudden warmth settled over her, making her heart thud just a little too fast. She didn’t want to admit it, but she knew her feelings for Shawn were getting dangerously close to surpassing friendship. And she had absolutely no idea what to do about it.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Shawn drove up the mountain in a daze. She remembered nothing of the drive, of going home to pack, of getting Alex. An unlit cigarette still hung in her fingers and she finally stuck it between her lips.
All these years. She thought she had put it behind her, she thought she had healed.
She should have called Susan when it happened. She should have driven up last night. They could’ve talked, she could’ve gotten it all out. It had been a mistake to go to the Center today, she knew that now. It had only made things worse. The hours spent talking to the police brought back memories she had thought were long buried.
She cursed when she pulled into Susan’s drive and saw Ruth’s car there. Could they not have one weekend alone? She finally lit her cigarette, smoking only half before walking to the door.
Susan had heard Shawn drive up and Ruth’s monologue about the Country Club drifted into the background. Shawn was much later than normal and Susan had begun to wonder how much longer she could put off dinner without Ruth and Mother making some snide comment.
She was still angry that they were here at all. Wasn’t last weekend enough? Surely this urgent message from Dave could have been handled over the phone. She had been looking forward to a quiet weekend with Shawn, one that didn’t involve entertaining her family.
She had the door open just as Shawn raised her fist to knock. Susan saw immediately that the smile on Shawn’s face did not reach her eyes. She hugged Shawn quickly, then stepped back.
"What’s wrong?" she whispered.
"Rough week."
"You’ve come to the wrong place to relax." She motioned with her head. "Company again."
"It’s okay. I just needed . . . to see you."
Susan had never known Shawn to be depressed or withdrawn, but her normally warm eyes were cloudy, cold. It was as if it took all her effort to walk into the living room.
"You’re just in time for dinner," Susan called after her. She rubbed Alex’s head as he walked in but her eyes were still on the silent woman ahead of him.
Shawn turned to say that she wasn’t hungry, then closed her mouth just as quickly. She wouldn’t be rude. She could manage a few bites, she supposed.
But the conversation went on without her and she knew Susan was concerned. Shawn didn’t even try to stop Susan as she fixed a plate for Alex and set it on the deck for him, despite Susan’s attempt to tease her.
"Coffee?" Susan offered.
"I’m really tired." Her eyes met Susan’s for the first time since they had sat down for dinner. "Do you mind if I shower?"
"No. Go on to bed, Shawn. I’ll be there soon."
She walked out with shoulders slumped and Susan was really getting worried. This quiet, withdrawn woman was not her Shawn. Not the same woman who had kept her sane all summer. Susan couldn’t imagine what had happened to her this week.
"Well, she’s certainly quiet tonight," Ruth said as she helped Susan with the dishes.
"Maybe she’s sick," her mother said.
"She’s not sick," Susan said sharply. She wished for the hundredth time that they were not here and she could simply go to Shawn and find out what was wrong.
"Where is she going to sleep?" her mother asked.
"I’m sure she’ll squeeze in between you and Ruth." Susan did not even blink as both Ruth and her mother gasped.
"Susan!"
"Where do you think she’s going to sleep, Mother?" Susan wrapped the chicken in foil, almost wishing Ruth would make a comment. She’d had it with their subtle remarks about Lisa, insinuating that Shawn was somehow to blame. She had half a mind to send them both packing right now.
"Susan, we’re just worried about you. It’s not normal for you to have this kind of a relationship with . . . that woman."
"Normal, Mother? Shawn’s probably the most normal woman in this house tonight. She’s my friend . . . my closest friend and you can both leave right now if you can’t accept that."
She left them staring after her, but she didn’t care. Shawn needed her, she could see that. Whatever had happened to her this week, Shawn needed her tonight.
Susan opened the door and let Alex slip in then closed it without turning on the light. Shawn lay quietly, covers drawn to her chin, and watched Susan undress in the darkness. She should have turned her head, she knew. It would have been the proper thing to do but she caught sight of Susan’s small breasts in the moonlight and she couldn’t tear her gaze away. The tightening in her stomach moved lower as she imagined her hands . . . and lips there. Then Susan slipped on a T-shirt and Shawn finally let her breath out.
"Let me wash up," Susan said quietly. "I’ll be right there."
"I’m okay."
"I’m sorry they’re here, Shawn."
"Me, too."
Shawn listened as the water ran. She imagined Susan brushing her teeth, going about her normal bedtime routine. Shawn felt comforted just being here. She hadn’t even asked Susan if she could stay at the cabin, much less share her bed. But she knew not to mention the tent. They were so attuned to each other’s feelings that she knew Susan was worried about her, she knew Susan wouldn’t let her leave tonight. Ruth was probably beside herself by now, wondering what was happening with them. And Shawn hadn’t even asked Susan how the family weekend went with Lisa and Sheri both there. She smiled weakly. So many things to talk about. But that’s what friends did. They shared in each other’s lives.
She was lost in thought when Susan lifted up the covers and crawled in beside her.
"Now, tell me what’s wrong," Susan said immediately, not bothering with small talk.
"A woman committed suicide while I was on the phone with her," Shawn blurted out.
"Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. Come here."
Shawn didn’t hesitate when Susan opened her arms. She buried her face against Susan and let her tears come.
"Tell me what happened," Susan coaxed and she felt Shawn cling to her tightly.
"It was just like her all over again."
"Your mother?"
"Yes. I thought I had put all that behind me."
Susan’s hands soothed Shawn, caressing her hair, rubbing across her shoulders. "Tell me."
"Oh, God, Susan, I just lost it," Shawn sobbed. "I knew what she was going to do and I couldn’t stop it. Nothing I said made any difference. Nothing. I begged her not to do it. Her mind was already made up. She just didn’t want to do it alone. Just like my mother. And then . . . God, I just keep hearing that gunshot over and over again. I can’t get it out of my mind."
"Shhh, shhh. I’m so sorry," Susan whispered. "It’s not your fault, honey. You know that, don’t you?"
Shawn gripped Susan’s hand, squeezing it tightly between both of her own. "She killed her husband and . . . her six year old daughter." Shawn could barely get out the words for her tears and Susan pulled her close.
So much pain, she thought. She kissed Shawn’s head, trying to soothe her, but the tears kept coming.
"It’s okay. Just let go."
"I’m sorry," Shawn said and her voice was hoarse with tears. "It just brought everything back like it was yesterday. All the pain, the loneliness. I couldn’t handle it."
"Let it out, Shawn. I’ve got you," she whispered, again kissing her damp hair. "I’ve got you."
Susan held Shawn until her tears faded, smoothing the hair away from her face occasionally. Finally, Shawn’s breathing changed and Susan knew she had relaxed enough for sleep. So much pain, she thought again. And she always endured it alone. But not this time. She had reached out to Susan, had needed her, and Susan’s arms tightened protectively around Shawn.
She wanted to think of this as comfort given to a friend, maybe a daughter. But the woman she held in her arms was certainly not her daughter and had quickly come to mean more to her than any friend she’d ever had. Her arms tightened again.
"Shawn, what are you doing to me?" she whispered. Her lips pressed against Shawn’s warm forehead and she acknowledged the desire that she was feeling as she let her lips linger. What are you doing to me?
Susan woke only once, but it was impossible to sleep afterwards. Shawn was curled at her side, face resting against her shoulder, Shawn’s hand gently cupping her breast.
Susan found she couldn’t breathe as she watched that hand covering her. She felt her nipples harden and she willed these feelings to go away. Before she could stop herself, she bent and lightly brushed her lips across Shawn’s cheek, and, in sleep, Shawn’s hand tightened possessively on her breast and Susan couldn’t stifle the soft moan that escaped.
Susan squeezed her eyes shut but the mental image was there, staring her right in the face. She was intimately holding another woman in her arms, a woman who had come to mean more to her than her own family. A woman whose hand was curled possessively over her breast.
It was barely daylight when Susan slipped away from Shawn. She showered quickly and dressed, leaving her short hair damp and pausing only long enough to start coffee before settling down with Alex on the deck.
She needed to think, but that was the last thing she wanted to do. It had happened so fast, so unexpectedly, that she couldn’t pinpoint the exact time that her feelings had moved beyond friendship. And changed into something else entirely.
Was there ever a time in her life that she was attracted to women? No. And the only reason she could have for it now was her divorce, all the changes in her life, in Lisa’s life. That must be it, she told herself.
But no, that wasn’t it. Truth be told, Shawn stirred feelings in her, feelings that Dave never brought to the surface. Feelings Susan wasn’t even aware she could have. When she looked at Shawn, she saw strength, confidence, caring. And something else. Attraction? Love?
How hard has it been for Shawn, she wondered? Has she been struggling to put her feelings in the right perspective? Is she, too, trying to maintain that tenuous hold on friendship? And subconsciously, in sleep, she allows herself to move past friendship, to touch Susan?
Susan thought Shawn would be mortified if she knew that Susan had awoken and found Shawn’s hand wrapped around her breast, as if it belonged there. As if it were the most natural thing in the world.
Susan got a warm feeling inside as she remembered the feel of that gentle hand upon her. It felt as if it did belong there, she admitted. For the first time, Susan let herself wonder what it would be like to make love with Shawn. She closed her eyes, letting visions in that she dared not before, visions of them together in bed, visions of Shawn’s hands coming to her. Visions of Shawn’s mouth moving over her naked body. She blushed scarlet as she imagined just where that mouth would end up.
"What am I going to do?" she whispered to Alex. But he didn’t have any answers for her. He simply nudged her hand and she stroked his head, her mind still reeling with images of Shawn.
When the door opened a short time later, it was Ruth, not Shawn that greeted her.
"Ready for coffee?"
"Please."
They sat quietly and listened to the sounds of morning. Alex perched beside Susan’s chair and she absently scratched his ear as she sipped her coffee.
"You’re very attached to him, aren’t you?"
"Very," Susan agreed. And to his mother, too, she thought.
"Is Shawn okay this morning?"
"She was better last night after we talked," Susan said. Then, vaguely, "They had some problems at the Women’s Center last week that upset her. I think she’ll be fine today."
"Have you given any thought to seeing Dave?"
Susan sighed. Oh, yes, the important message from Dave. She had forgotten. He wanted to meet her for dinner one night this week. To discuss the situation between them, Ruth had said. He didn’t want a divorce.
"I may call him," she said. When Ruth would have spoken, Susan raised her hand to stop her. "Don’t, Ruth. I’m so goddamned tired of talking about this," she said quietly. "I’m not the same person I was then. I don’t think Dave would like me too much now, anyway. So let’s just drop it, okay?"
"How can you be so strong through all this?"
Susan looked up at Ruth, surprised at the sincerity of her voice. "What do you mean?"
"You find out your husband is having an affair and instead of begging to continue your marriage, you pack up and leave him, leave your home, your things."
"Is that what you would have done? Begged him to let you still share his life, even though he was getting his sexual favors elsewhere?"
"It’s what I have done," Ruth admitted quietly.
"Ruth?"
"Franklin has had numerous affairs over the years. More than I’m even aware of, I’m sure. But he still comes home to me."
"Oh, Ruth, I’m sorry. But I just couldn’t live like that."
"You take what you can get. I’m not a young woman anymore, Susan. I don’t have that sense of independence that you seem to have."
"I’m not going to be in a loveless marriage for the sake of security, Ruth. I haven’t been happy in our marriage in a long time. And obviously, neither has Dave. I’m not going to settle. And thank God, my entire life will no longer revolve around Dave and the Country Club."
"That’s the way we were brought up, Susan. Provide a home for the husband while he works to take care of you." Her voice lowered, "Do you think our own father never had affairs?"
"I’m sure he did. But unlike you and mother, I can’t just ignore it. I can’t live like that, Ruth. I have more pride."
"It’s all I know," she said sadly.
Susan finally understood why Ruth had been coming up the mountain so much this summer. Franklin wasn’t there for her and Susan’s marital problems were as good an excuse as any to leave home. Ruth simply didn’t want to be by herself.
"I’m sorry." Susan didn’t know what else to say. Any advice she could offer Ruth would be dismissed with a wave of her hand. She still had her children, but Susan suspected they didn’t involve Ruth in their life as much as Ruth pretended.
"It’s of my choosing." Ruth sighed. "But I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t say anything to Mother. She knows, of course, but we don’t discuss it."
Susan nodded, wishing they would be as considerate of her own affairs.
Their mother joined them and the conversation shifted to less personal things. Susan was thankful. She let her mind drift as Ruth and Mother discussed the Country Club and other people that Susan wasn’t concerned with anymore. It was from another life, she knew now. She couldn’t see herself going back to it. She wanted to go forward. A new life. A new beginning with endless possibilities.
It was nearly eleven o’clock when they were cleaning up from breakfast and Susan still had not heard a sound from Shawn. She was normally such an early riser that Susan was beginning to worry. She opened the bedroom door quietly and peeked inside.
Shawn lay in a tangled mass of covers, one long leg sticking out, the other hidden from Susan’s gaze. For some reason, the sight of Shawn in her bed, clutching Susan’s pillow to her caused her breath to catch and she hugged herself tightly.
She should have left, but her feet moved of their own accord towards the bed. In sleep, Shawn looked so peaceful, so content. The lines of worry that had framed her face last night were gone. Susan sat down on the side of the bed, and her eyes strayed to Shawn’s lips, which were parted slightly, invitingly and Susan let herself imagine kissing them.
"Hey."
Her gaze left Shawn’s lips and found brown eyes on her, still heavy with sleep.
"You okay?" Susan whispered. Before she could stop herself, her hand reached out and gently brushed the hair lying haphazardly across Shawn’s forehead. "Are you?"
"Better." Then Shawn leaned up on both elbows. "What time is it?"
"Eleven."
"Why didn’t you wake me?"
"I guess because I thought you needed to sleep."
Shawn sat up completely and ran hands through tasseled hair. "I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to stay in so long."
Susan clutched her hands together, this time resisting the urge to brush at Shawn’s hair. "You probably got no sleep the night before."
Shawn reached out and took one of Susan’s hands. "Thank you for last night. I’m sorry I was so . . .."
"Don’t be sorry," Susan said quickly. "You can’t be strong all the time, Shawn. It’s okay to need someone. I’ve needed you so many times, I’m just glad I could be here for you."
Shawn nodded, not trusting herself to speak. Susan’s hand was soft in her own and she was disappointed when Susan finally pulled it away.
"I’m making sandwiches. We’re going on a short hike for lunch and I’d really like for you to go with us."
"Okay. Give me a minute. I’m sure I look like hell."
Susan let her gaze drift over disorderly hair, sleepy eyes and soft lips. Susan thought she looked like heaven.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
It wasn’t until they were starting dinner, when Susan finally found herself alone in the kitchen that she allowed her thoughts to drift to Shawn. They had been together all day, yet they had not had one moment alone. Either Ruth or Mother was always underfoot. But Shawn seemed more like her old self; intentionally baiting Ruth just to get a reaction, whispered words that were meant for Susan’s ears only, amused glances when she thought the others weren’t looking.
And mentioning her blind date in San Francisco! Susan laughed. She had thought that Ruth would have a stoke right there. But it was Mother who had finally asked if she was dating anyone. One quick look Susan’s way, then a shrug. "Not really." What exactly did that mean, Susan wondered?
She finished washing the potatoes, then put them in the oven to bake. She should really go out and rescue Shawn. God only knew what Ruth and Mother were talking to her about.
"And so you’ve always been this way?"
"Mother!"
But Shawn laughed, her eyes dancing with amusement at Susan’s wide-eyed stare at her mother.
"It’s not contagious, Gayle."
"Well, I’ve just never met one before."
"Mother, please!"
Shawn pulled out a chair for Susan close to her own and beckoned her to sit. "It’s okay," she said quietly. "At least we’re talking."
Susan held her gaze, amazed at this woman. Just last night, she had been in tears, clinging to Susan as if her life depended on it. Now, discussing her sex life with Susan’s mother as if it were nothing out of the ordinary.
"At least," Susan murmured. "Do you want something to drink?"
"I was just about to get us a beer."
Susan watched her walk away, her stride again confident and sure. And that walk. Susan blushed. She had no business looking at her as she did, but her eyes remained locked on her until Shawn rounded the corner. She cleared her throat, only to find Ruth watching her intently.
"Shawn’s been much more talkative today."
"Maybe because you’ve been talking to her more. She’s really a very nice person, Ruth. Give her a chance."
"Did you know that her parents are both dead?"
"Yes, Mother."
"That’s a shame. She’s so young."
When Shawn came back and handed Susan her beer, Susan smiled warmly at her. At least Shawn was making an effort. Maybe Ruth would follow suit. And who knows, maybe Ruth could learn something from Shawn.
Susan let Shawn take over with the grill and Susan found herself watching Shawn again, the way she stood, the way her brow creased when she was concentrating. When her gaze dropped to Shawn’s breasts, though, she made herself stop. This was getting out of hand . . . this attraction she had. What was it, exactly, she wanted from Shawn? Did she even know herself?
During dinner, she often felt Shawn’s eyes on her. Once, she looked just as Shawn was pulling her gaze away and Susan could have sworn Shawn had been looking at her breasts. Did Shawn have a memory of touching her last night? Susan felt the flush move up her body and she was suddenly warm. She reached for her wine and noticed that her fingers trembled. How would she get through another night with Shawn sharing her bed?
But Shawn was all business. She helped clean the kitchen, then made an early exit to shower. By the time Susan went into the bedroom, Shawn was already under the covers.
"Asleep?" Susan whispered.
"About there," Shawn murmured.
"Sorry."
Susan undressed quickly, then quietly shut the bathroom door. She hurried through her shower, not even pretending as to why. But when she crawled under the covers, Shawn was already asleep.
With the direction her thoughts had been taking today, she thought it was probably just as well.
So she lay back, carefully avoiding any contact with Shawn, and closed her eyes, letting Shawn’s even breathing lull her to sleep.
But it was the gentle stroking on her cheek that woke her. Her eyes opened and she looked into warm brown ones staring back at her in the early morning dawn.
"Hey."
Susan lifted her head away from Shawn’s breast, wondering when she had discarded her pillow for Shawn. Then she became aware of the tangle of bare arms and legs and her eyes flew to Shawn’s again. She was lying practically on top of Shawn.
"Sorry," she murmured.
Shawn’s breath was only a whisper. "No."
Then Shawn’s hand reached out and cupped her cheek softly and Susan leaned into it, all the while never breaking the eye contact that Shawn had established. She trembled when Shawn’s thumb raked across her lips and with a soft moan, her lips parted. She felt as if in a dream, a delicious dream, and her teeth bit gently at Shawn’s finger. When her tongue would have followed suit, Shawn pulled away slowly.
"Susan . . .."
"I’m sorry," Susan whispered. But she watched as Shawn’s eyes left hers and settled on her lips and she wasn’t sorry at all. She longed for those lips to touch her own.
Shawn’s hand came back to her, her thumb again caressing her cheek, moving lightly over Susan’s lips. Susan saw desire in Shawn’s eyes . . . desire and fear. Then Shawn’s head bent, lips only inches from her own.
"Shawn . . . please," she murmured.
"No," Shawn whispered.
Susan became aware of her uneven breathing, of the desire she no longer could hide, of her hands digging into Shawn’s shoulders. She wanted to beg Shawn to kiss her. She tugged slightly on Shawn’s shoulders, bringing them closer still, so close she could nearly feel Shawn’s lips on her own. Then other sounds came to her. Shawn’s own rapid breathing, her eyes, now nearly black with desire. Then other sounds intruding. Someone in the kitchen, someone in the spare bathroom.
Their eyes held again, both silently acknowledging what had just happened between them. Both knowing they wanted much more.
Then Shawn pulled away, taking her warmth with her and Susan rolled over and faced the wall, not knowing what else to do. Their relationship had suddenly taken a turn and Susan wondered if they would be able to go back. Or if she even wanted to go back.
Shawn stood under the hot spray of the shower, cursing herself for what had nearly happened, for what had happened. She should have just let it go, but she had been awake for hours. How could she sleep? Susan had moved to her in the night, curling her body around Shawn’s as if they slept that way every night. But Susan had ended up practically on top of her, hands and mouth innocently touching Shawn’s breasts and Shawn could stand it no more. Her arms had closed around Susan and she held her, giving into the feelings that had been threatening for so long. Susan wasn’t supposed to wake. Shawn just wanted to touch her. But when those blue eyes opened and looked into Shawn’s very soul, she could not stop herself.
Shawn had to put some distance between them. What was happening could not continue, she knew. If she weren’t careful, she would ruin this wonderful friendship that she and Susan had formed.
For Susan’s part, she thought she handled it well. She was just pouring coffee when Shawn came into the kitchen and she managed to only spill a few drops. She had even been able to hold a conversation with Ruth. But then Shawn walked close to her, reaching beside her head for a coffee cup, and Susan felt her knees weaken as she inhaled her familiar scent.
Ruth was carrying on the conversation without her, for when her eyes collided with Shawn’s, the world seemed to stand still and it was just the two of them. Their intense stare could not be broken and she felt as if she were melting, head to toe, under the heat of Shawn’s gaze.
I could lose myself in those eyes, she thought. Or maybe I’ve finally found myself.
"Susan, have you not heard a word I’ve said?"
Finally, mercifully, Shawn turned away, busying herself at the coffee pot, and Susan turned unfocused eyes to Ruth.
"What?" she asked weakly.
"What is wrong with you? You look a thousand miles away."
"I’m sorry," she mumbled. "What did you say?" But as if a glutton for punishment, her eyes followed Shawn from the room, her glance dropping to the muscular, tan legs and bare feet.
"You’re acting very strange this morning, Susan," Ruth told her. "We were talking about Lisa. I asked if you were planning a birthday party for her?"
"Oh." Susan couldn’t remember any of the conversation she had with Ruth about Lisa, so she tried to wing it. "Her birthday’s in two weeks."
"Yes. We covered that. But what about my idea of a family birthday party up here? I know you don’t have room for everyone to sleep, so we could make it early on Saturday. We just had such fun over the 4th with everyone here. Have you ever seen our father looking so relaxed?"
A family party? Lisa would kill her.
"I’ll see what Lisa wants," Susan said.
"Well, I’ll get with Mother about it. I don’t suppose you’d want her father here?"
"That would be a little awkward, don’t you think?"
"He is her father. It is her birthday. It doesn’t have to mean you’ve given in to him or anything."
For some reason, that made perfect sense to Susan.
It was only a short time later that Shawn announced that she was leaving. She said she had some errands to do in town. To Susan’s ears, it sounded like an excuse made up on the spot, but she let it pass. Shawn had been quiet all morning. It was obvious to Susan that Shawn was uncomfortable and most likely worried about what had happened in bed that morning. Susan wanted to put her at ease, but she wasn’t quite certain what to say or do.
"I’ll walk you out," she offered. Susan thought for a second that she saw a look of panic on Shawn’s face, but she finally nodded.
They stood silently at the truck while Alex patiently waited inside.
"Shawn, we need to talk . . . about us," Susan finally said.
Shawn ignored her. "I won’t be up next weekend. I meant to tell you earlier."
"Why?" Please don’t make some silly excuse, Susan silently begged.
"I need to go to San Francisco." Need was the word, Shawn thought. She needed to get away from Susan, she needed to be with someone, she needed sexual release.
"You have a . . . date?" Susan could barely get the word out. She wanted to beg her not to go, but she had no right.
"Yeah." It was a lie and Shawn wasn’t able to meet Susan’s eyes.
"I see. Well, of course. Why wouldn’t you?"
"Susan . . .."
"No. That’s fine. You have a date. How nice," she murmured.
"Susan, I have to get away. For both of us."
"I don’t want you to have a date, Shawn."
"Susan, we can’t . . . I have to."
"Fine then. Do what you have to do. Maybe I’ll see you in a couple of weeks. If you think you can be around me." Susan’s voice sounded odd to her own ears. Perhaps it was best. She had no business having these feelings for Shawn. They were friends. That should be enough.
But Shawn hesitated and finally their eyes locked, both softening the instant they met. This is madness, Susan thought, but she went to Shawn, wrapping both arms around her shoulders in a tight hug. Shawn held her closely and Susan felt a fire at each point their bodies touched.
"Susan . . .."
"I know, Shawn," she whispered. "Don’t you think I know? I’ll see you in a couple of weeks?"
Shawn nodded and without another word, was gone.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Rebecca had been attentive all evening and Shawn wished desperately that she could feel something, anything for this woman. The bar was dark and each dance Rebecca held her closer, the message unmistakable. It would just be sex, Shawn reasoned. A release. And she needed it, God how she needed it.
But why did Susan’s face, her voice, keep intruding at the worst possible times?
When Rebecca kissed her, Shawn’s mouth opened and she deepened the kiss, allowing Rebecca’s tongue inside.
"Let’s go to my place," Rebecca whispered.
"Yeah, okay."
Shawn followed her blindly down the sidewalk . She could do this. She would get it all out of her system. And maybe the next time she saw Susan, she wouldn’t, in great detail, imagine what her kiss would be like, what her touch would be like, how soft her skin would be . . . how she would taste.
Shawn trembled.
Her apartment was small and Rebecca roughly pulled Shawn after her into the bedroom. Clothes were discarded without thought and soon Shawn lay back, Rebecca straddling her hips, pushing against her. Shawn’s mouth opened again and Rebecca’s tongue explored every corner.
"I want you so much," she cooed into Shawn’s mouth.
They were words she longed to hear. But not from this woman. Shawn gently pushed her away, not knowing how to explain.
"I’m sorry." Those words were usually a good start.
But Rebecca laughed. "Who is she?"
"Excuse me?"
"You’ve been thinking of her all night. You’ve had that faraway look in your eyes and I assume it wasn’t because you were imagining making love to me."
"Rebecca, I am so, so sorry. You don’t deserve this."
"You’re right. I don’t. But at least you didn’t just do the pity fuck and pretend you were enjoying yourself."
Shawn winced at the words, knowing full well she deserved them. "I’m an ass," she said by way of explanation.
"Some other woman obviously has you in her spell and you can’t have her." Rebecca stood and reached for a robe that was slung casually across a chair. "She’s a fool if she doesn’t want you."
"Thanks," Shawn murmured. "I think."
"Get dressed. I’ll make some coffee and you can tell me all about it."
Shawn sat on the bed, amazed. Rebecca should have thrown her out on her ass, butt naked. But instead, she was offering friendship for a night.
Rebecca stirred sugar into her coffee and waited for Shawn to begin. Shawn didn’t know where to start.
"She’s living in a cabin in the National Forest. I met her on the trails in early May. Her husband was cheating on her, she left him and is going to file for a divorce."
Rebecca stared open-mouthed.
"Did I mention that she’s straight?"
"Have you lost your mind?"
"Apparently."
"Look, honey, take my advice. Don’t get mixed up with a straight woman whose husband just cheated on her. You’re looking for nothing but heartache. I’ve been there."
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Shawn listened to the message again. And again, it tugged at her heart.
"It’s Lisa’s birthday and she wants you to be here. I want you to be here, too. We’re going to have a house full, but you can put your tent up behind the cabin. Please?"
Please?
Did Susan have any idea what that one word did to her?
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