Impulse: Book Two
IT'S JUST THE BEGINNING
"This is Book Two in my series called Impulse.
If you haven't read Book One: AFTER ALL IS SAID, you might want to start there."
DISCLAIMERS: (see INSTALLMENT ONE)
Copyright © 2002 by Mezzo All Rights Reserved
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Breathless and sweaty but fully sated for now, Brett and Tori lay together spent by hours of sensual discovery. Brett was softly drawing circles on the back of Tori's shoulder with her fingers while Tori sleepily rested across Brett's chest.
"Tori?""Hmm?" She replied in a blissful haze.
"Tell me?" Brett asked wondering if Tori would remember.
"Tell you what, Baby?" Not quite sure what Brett was asking.
"You know? Tell me?" Brett said emphatically.
Lifting her head, Tori looked into Brett's eyes. She couldn't possibly be referring to that dream I had this afternoon of us on the beach. Could she? "What will you give me if I do?" She gave Brett a coy smile.
"I'll give you all the
"Nope. I'm a diehard coffee drinker now." Tori shot back.
"Uhm…How ‘bout all the ice cream in the world?" Brett moved her eyebrows up and down.
"Nah, ah…I'm not quite the sucker for that bit of temptation…. unlike someone who shall remain nameless. You've got to give me something better." Tori snickered and snuggled even closer loving the feeling of the warmth that was between them.
"Brat…" Lightly slapping Tori on the shoulder. "Okay. Why don't you tell me what you want and I'll see what I can do?" Brett counter offered, ever the bargainer.
Tori looked up and thought hard about what she wanted. "Okay… You give me you and I'll spend a lifetime telling you anything you want to hear." Tori gave Brett a sweet look of affection and stretched up to give Brett a sensuous kiss.
"Mmm…Tori, you have me. You've always had me." Brett paused for a minute and wondered why a memory of their childhood kept flashing through her head. "Do you remember that day on the beach? When you asked me to tell you that you were my best friend and always would be?" She searched Tori's eyes for recognition.
"Yeah, I do. As a matter of fact, that's what I was dreaming about this afternoon." Tori looked at Brett, wondering if their connection was so strong that they could read each other's thoughts.
"How do you suppose two people that obviously cared deeply for one another could drift so far apart? I used to remember that day and wonder what I did to lose you. It hurt so bad to think I had lost my best friend. I would do anything not to feel that way again. I don't think I'd survive it if I did." Brett's eyes started to fill with tears. She had felt so much pain when she lost Tori. All of it seemed to be rushing back at her in waves.
Tori sat up from her position so she could look into Brett's eyes. "Oh sweetie, I'm sorry. At the time, I really thought I was doing the best thing for you. I didn't mean to put you through all that. That's exactly what I didn't want to happen." Tori reached over to wrap Brett in an embrace. Surprisingly, Brett pulled away. The conversation was quickly getting away from Tori and she truly didn't understand what had brought it on.
"No, you were wrong." Brett needing space suddenly got up and wrapped a throw blanket around her naked body. "Why is it people always take it upon themselves to know what's best for me? I trusted you more then anyone, Tori. Why? Why did you take all the decisions out of my hands?" Brett's hands were shaking as she ran them through her hair in frustration. "Maybe if you had told me how you felt, I wouldn't have had to suffer like I did. When you left, you left me vulnerable to so much." Years of pent up anger and disappointment bubbled over. Feelings that Brett thought were resolved were surfacing uncontrollably. "I know we were young, but you always told me you'd be there. You lied." Brett's tear filled eyes pinned Tori in her place. "You said we'd always be friends. I meant every word when I told you the same." Brett spat out. "Friends don't leave friends when the going gets tough. But you did." Brett pointed a finger at Tori. "Where were you when I was so lonely, that the only thing I could turn to was my writing? Where were you when my lack of self-esteem, told me the only person that would ever want me was some mentally ill woman, who couldn't love herself much less me." Tears were flowing now mixed with anger. " You weren't there when she kept coming at me, even after I begged her to stop. You weren't there when I lay in a hospital bed fighting for my life or when I prayed for the pain to stop as I fought my way back in therapy. You weren't there, Tori. You weren't there. Damn you. You weren't there…." Tori ran to Brett but was stopped by Brett's beating fists against her chest. Brett wanted Tori to feel the pain that she was feeling. Breaking down, Brett collapsed to her knees and curled up in a fragile ball crying on the floor uncontrollably taking Tori with her.
Tori was stunned as she was finally able to capture Brett's wrists to stop their assault. Tears escaped her eyes as she heard Brett's words. Every plea, every accusation stabbed her in the heart and slapped her in the face. She didn't want things to be this way. At first, she thought the Brett had regretted them being together. That she decided she didn't want to work things out after all. However, when Brett started screaming about someone hurting her, that got Tori's full attention. What is she talking about? Who hurt her? What is this about a hospital? Oh God, what have I done? At first, she thought it was best if she left. But that had never accomplished anything. Tori remembered Brett telling her earlier that they both had wounds that needed healing. She asked me to fight for this and that is exactly what I'm going to do. Kneeling beside Brett, she put her arms around Brett's shoulders and behind her knees. She lifted Brett on to her lap. She needed to understand what Brett was going through.
"Please baby. Tell me what's going on. Who hurt you? I'm really confused here and the thoughts that are going through my head are really scaring me." Panic started to settle in when Brett didn't respond.
"I know I haven't been there for you. But I'm here now. I promise I'm never going to leave you, ever again." Tori lay soft kisses on Brett's head rocking her ever so slowly to coax Brett back to her.
"You're right. I should have told you back then how I felt. But we were so young", Tori started. "I was scared and I didn't understand the feelings I was having. I'm not trying to make excuses, but how could a fourteen-year-old understand what infatuation and love meant? Nobody ever explained the different kinds of relationships there were in the world. It wasn't until I left for school that I found out I wasn't the only person in the world that could feel this way about someone of the same sex." Tori wiped away the tears that continued to fall down Brett's face. "If there was any other way I could have handled the situation better, believe me, honey, I would have done it. It ripped me apart to not have you in my life…..to not share my feelings with you. But when I thought about the look I would find in your eyes if I slipped and kissed you or the look of horror when I couldn't stop touching you, I just couldn't stand to see you look at me with disgust or hatred when you found out my love for you ran deeper than friendship. I was the older one. I was the one who needed to act responsibly. You were so young, so innocent. We both were. I was thinking as a fourteen year old, not a rational adult. Please baby. Please don't shut me out. I need you, honey. Please. I love you so very much." Tori tightened her hold around Brett, desperate to feel their connection. "After everything we've just shared, there is no way I could go on without it. Not now." Tori's heart was breaking and tears flowed down her face. As she thought about the pain she had caused Brett, she would spend the rest of her life erasing every ounce of it if she had to.
Brett stayed quiet for a long time. While Tori lay kisses of reassurance on her forehead, Tori rocked Brett in her arms until she felt her relax.
All the while Brett searched through her mind for an answer to why she had chosen that moment to lay into Tori. Tori's reasons were valid. There was no one to blame. But Brett hated when people made decisions for her. They took away her fundamental right to choose her own destiny. Maybe for the first time, Brett truly understood what she had been missing all those years. What it felt like to be truly loved. Her first experience should have been beautiful. Instead it was so one sided. When Tori made love to her, it felt pure, honest, and so instinctively right. It made her feel so cherished and yet, it made her question everything she had done and had been done to her these past years. So much wasted time and so much hurt endured. Maybe this was the last door that needed to be closed. So that she and Tori could truly build a life together. Build a life that did not have the haunting memories of an unfilled love. Maybe it took the other half of her soul to help heal this last bit of hurt.
"It was Jenna who hurt me." Brett said as she broke the silence. Her voice cracking as she tried to choke back the tears that trailed down her face, leaving a streak of sadness in its path.
Tori reached down and cupped Brett's cheek. She wiped away the tears as they fell with her thumb. She bent down and locked Brett's eyes to her own. "Tell me. Tell me everything. So you'll never have to carry this pain alone again. Not ever again."
Brett proceeded to tell Tori about the details that led to her and Jenna's demise. Much to Tori's credit, she let Brett tell her story.
Though it was tearing her apart inside, she knew that Brett needed to get this out. So the healing process could finally come full circle. She wanted nothing more than to take vengeance on Jenna. For taking away the innocence that was so intrinsically a part of Brett. However, if she thought about it, she put the ball in motion. Brett was such a forgiving soul. Where others would have just seen Jenna as an unforgivable monster, Brett saw her as a victim of circumstance. Instead of crossing Jenna off as a lost cause, she did what she could to make sure Jenna got the help that she needed.
Listening to Brett tell her story. Tori for the first time really saw Brett for the woman that she was. This was not the child of her youth or the fantasy in her head. This was a beautiful, intelligent, compassionate woman. Tori not only loved Brett, but fell deep in love with her that night. Her whole being was now infused with Brett's and their souls would never feel the loneliness of separation again. Though what they endured while they were apart was very painful, each knew that in some way their separation made them stronger. Some say that in order to realize your true being, you must see what you are not in order to see what you are. In this case, Brett and Tori needed to see whom they were apart in order to know what they were together. Light and dark can not exist without the other. Nor can joy or pain. After talking for hours and making love several times to seal their commitment, the two slept in peaceful bliss waiting for the sun to greet the moon. Both knowing that the lives they would experience together would be a beautiful counterpoint of all that they had both grown to be.
TO BE CONTINUED. Installment Six